10,000 Miles and Untold Tears

 

For some reason, Mary Chapin Carpenter's song "10,000 Miles" from "Fly Away Home" came drifting lazily into my mind this morning, and as I stopped to let the melody and words materialize, the tears began to slowly fall.

Twenty five years ago when Melanie was just about to turn three, I had a Mommy and Daughter date day.  We went to the circus on one of these outings, just her and me.  Then, we went to eat dinner together and to the movies to see "Fly Away Home".  I was so so pregnant with Kaitlyn - - a high risk pregnancy that left me unable to do much for most of the pregnancy.  These date days with Melanie were (and have remained) some of the fondest mommy memories.

After the arrival of the second child, my relationship with Melanie changed.  This is always true with changes in family dynamics.  It was a change I was never ready for nor did I always welcome.  I would be so caught up dealing with the new baby that I often felt I hadn't seen or interacted with Melanie for days.  I would watch her playing with that intense curiosity that I often see in Sophia now and my heart would ache to just crawl into her make believe world and live with her forever.

This song makes me weep.  My heart is so completely shattered at the loss of my daughter.  As I say this, I think of a longtime friend who actually lost her daughter, and I feel shame for feeling like my daughter is gone.  In many ways, Melanie is gone.  She's made decisions that separate her from her family.  Whatever the reasons for her choices, the fact that my first born is not a part of my life haunts me.

All I can do today is whisper a prayer - I pray that my sweet child finds the courage to fight the addiction that controls her, that she finds the strength to heal, that she finds the ability to quiet the desperate voices making horrible choices for her.  For a moment this morning, I wondered if the song drifting into my mind was a sign of something ominous, and I panicked.  Having hope at this stage is almost impossible, but I understand fully how valuable hope is.

Then, Now and the crazy journey between

This photo was only 6 years ago, and oh, my breath catches.  What happened?  These were those wonderful moments when I loved my life so much I scarce could breath.  That time is gone, and I mourn.  Truly, I grieve with a depth I've never known -- not when I divorced nor when my father passed.  Missing these three brave and fierce young women consumes me.  It's not healthy, and I must find a way to reconcile all this longing, to compartmentalize it, or it will negatively shape the days remaining in my life.  It will torture and twist memories.

My precious daughters, I love you.  There are not enough words in the world to truly explain this love in my heart for you.  Nor do words exist to explain my great sadness in the absence of those wonderful family moments that not only defined me, but shaped me.  This one moment in time is my heaven, and if I could repeat a day until my last breath, it would be this one.

As you three continue to shape and define your own adult lives, remember this one brief second in time and remember all the love and joy poured out to you from your mother.  This day may have been for you just one more "blah" moments, but for me, it seared a taste of heaven into my soul.

I've been pondering of late the reason people seem so in a hurry, why it seems we just keep pushing forward with little or no regard for the sweet memories of the past.  Those past memories are often painful, albeit sweet at times.  Watching your sweet babies grow and evolve holds joy and wonder, but also grief.  

From Kat's musings

From April 16, 2014

See and Believe
We all wear our hearts
Freely on our sleeves-
Break my bones
But love still shows-
I'll grow onto you
And you'll die undone-
Dusk isn't a lie, live by
Dads aren't always right
So don't believe-
The past times you like
You create & escape nights-
I wish back n forth
That life was just a kiss:
No tied emotions,
No hidden motions,
Something that misses us
Like friends with benefits-
Show your love for tomorrow
Grow your heart open for sorrow
Flow deep like bone marrow.

Forgiveness

Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States.  I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place.  As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind.  Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again.  Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me.  For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger.

To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions toward me, similar to what you do right now.  Some of these emotions are:  anger, resentment, rejection, confusion, hatred, disappointment.  I truly wish I could include other emotions like joy and contentment on this list, but those are not emotions you have toward me or toward the life I've built for you.  I am not singling out anyone specific when I say "my daughters"; although Whitney has not developed many of these emotions yet, she often is angry and disappointed.  She tends to be more forgiving at her age (I hope this continues).

It is a natural part of adolescence to harbor resentment and anger toward parents.  Parents are the ones pushing hard and expecting so much.  In our immediate family, I am the only parent, so I am often tired and more demanding.  One of my saddest regrets is that I have always had to be the stricter parent because Jack would not establish clear boundaries.  I hope my daughters know that what I wanted was to be the sweet and loving mother, the one who got to doctor the boo boos and listen to hurts.  I know that as I tried to balance out our lives to include the softer side of me, it did so little to console all the bruised feelings.

As I reflect backward onto my own life, I realize more and more that I was the parent I was simply because it was whom I was.  With my own scars and disappointments, not to mention my intellect, I parented the only way I could.  This revelation made me look at my own parents with new eyes and understand that they, too, did the best they could.  Love of a parent is complicated that way.

So, as you look backward someday, forgive yourself your negative emotions.  Allow them to be replaced slowly with positive emotions.  I forgive each of you.

 I have held so much love and joy in my heart for each of you, my daughters.  You three are the only reason I have breath in my lungs.  The hope that someday each of you will look at me with respect and want a relationship with me is all that sustains me.  Please take time to remember all the silly and fun things we used to do, even though maybe all you remember right now are bruised feelings and anger..............things such as picnic hikes to the Greenbelt and carving pumpkins on Halloween.  Remember splashing around at the pool or having carpet picnics.  My deep and sincere prayer is that you allow the sweet memories to invade and destroy all the walls you have tried to build up. "Just because you hide your eyes does not mean I can't see you."

What's Wrong with Us?

(original draft date - April 2015)

For a long time, I felt like something was wrong with me and my daughters when it came to relationships with the bad people.

I always felt under scrutiny, never good enough - striving always to be better to gain their favor, to gain their acceptance or to gain their approval.

That scrutiny manifested in my relationships with my daughters.  Most importantly, the scrutiny of even the tiniest of flaws in myself and my severe disapproval of myself has a lasting impact on my relationships with my daughters. 

Those mistakes I must suffer with, live with and try to make amends for during my remaining lifetime; I hope my daughters will forgive me someday.  I hope they can move forward and understand that I didn't know what the bigger picture was just like they didn't know what the bigger picture was.

There are moments when I feel alone,  isolated and even angry because I feel like something is now missing in my life; it's a healthy thing to let go of unhealthy people and it's a healthy thing to face regrets and sadness and  to make amends for those regrets and sadness.

This post started because I feel without purpose; I feel that everything I once believed drifted away and in silence and isolation; I stand unable to move.

Kaitlyn is such a beautiful young woman; she is smart and funny and so insightful.  She has her mother who loves her more and more and more each and every day. I want so much more for her.

I want so much more for all of us. I want healthy adult relationships so that my daughters and I can spend time together; I miss them,

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It has become the norm for me to dictate my thoughts into my mobile app on my phone and then edit later.  My mind is such a blur of things - emotions, thoughts, memories, hopes/desires, chore lists, voices (my own and others) - and a constant almost desperate search for some purpose in my life.  Kaitlyn will go under the radar for about 2 weeks before she resurfaces and wants something.  I always recognize that what she's really needing is contact, no matter how trivial it may seem to me or to her other family.  Mental illness takes a toll on family members.  It's so random and unpredictable.  Most people suffering from mental illness have an obvious problem - drug or alcohol abuse - that others will point to, judge, mock and not forgive.  I run interference so often, that I do it automatically.  It's exhausting.

Kaitlyn called a couple days ago almost in tears asking to come home for a while.  She always cites something - illness, exhaustion, hunger, etc...............this time, she is battling with some poison ivy and allergies.  She cannot truly rest where she is living, so she wants to come here to have her mom take care of her.  The stress her presence has on my life is unmentionable.  She can be sweet and accommodating one minute and hostile the next.  She has tantrums like a 5 year old but has the intellectual sharpness of a young woman with an excellent education.  It's a roller coaster.  To survive her, you must be on task and prepared...........forgiving and made of steel.

I just started this book "All My Puny Sorrows" by Miriam Toews.  The main character is the younger sister to a woman with mental illness and suicidal tendencies.  Reading it breaks my heart as I must consider the deeper emotions of my youngest daughter toward her older sister, Kaitlyn.  There are times when I want to get into the minds of my daughters and see how they truly see their lives.

Here We go Again (03/07/21015)

Here we go again, down the same road we've been on.  The song echoes in my subconscious, screaming for attention as much as my children scream for my attention.

Recently, I caledl to ask about Kaitlyn's her welfare,  to ask if she needs anything.  I periodically check in with her.  She tells me she is good and that she doesn't need anything.  This is all said somewhat dismissively, possibly under the influence, so I attempt to disconnect by telling her I am in traffic and need to focus.  I am not sure why I told her I was heading to take her sister to a doctor's appointment, but I did.

Kaitlyn then says, "You spoil her too much".

Seriously? What was that?  My shock at the comment blindsides me for an instant, and I cling desperately at the mommy side of me - you know that side, the one with compassion, support and understanding.  Kaitlyn is difficult even at her best, and I must prepare myself each time I contact her because I can never anticipate her emotional state.

I gently remind Kaitlyn that the purpose of my phone call to her was to check on her welfare, to ask in regard to her needs, to check if she needed anything.  I am still in shock about the comment.  I ask her if something is happening in regard to her comment.

Kaitlyn tells me then that I spend too much time talking and that listening to me talk gives her a headache.  She rudely tells me that now she has a headache whereas she did not have a headache before.  Again, she says, "You talk too much".

Having a hard time staying connected to my mommy side, remaining calm while driving and controlling my urge to scream obscenities, all I hear is a voice urging me to tell Kaitlyn to screw herself. This is the same voice that wants to rudely tell her that I am not bound to do anything for her.  I do not need to remind Kaitlyn that she is where because of the decisions she made.  Maybe her intention was not to deflect from her possible "intoxication"; but i felt that it was.

I completely resent being the bad guy; I am not the bad guy.

I wish I knew why it bugs me so much or why I continue to try so hard to reach her.  Honestly, I do want to tell her to "bugger off" and just figure it all out on her own.  In many ways, she is figuring it out on her own, under her own conditions and definitions.  Her crappy comments will not deter my concerns or lessen my prayers.  Luckily, Kaitlyn doesn't have a detached parent.

---------------------------------------------Post Note-------------------------------

As I edit this piece from March, I laugh to myself.  Come forward 4 months, and Kaitlyn is doing better than she was.  We continue to talk often, and even when I am so worried and frustrated I feel I need to abandon her, I won't.  From where she started, she has made so much progress; I am proud of that.

Shattered

I am watching "Cold Case:  Shattered".  Lily was knocked unconscious by a door in a crappy hotel, and her gun stolen.  When she came to, she was staring at a photo of herself and her sister as little girls which prompted a flashback to a time at the beach.  Lily was always trying to save her mother and sister in the show, carrying the baggage of her tortured childhood with her.

Another image I have in my min>d is of a movie "Bring Ashley Home".  When I first watched this movie in 2011, Kaitlyn's life had not spiraled out of control yet.  Last year, it was on cable again, but I couldn't even bring myself to think about watching it because of its all too real similarity to Kaitlyn's story.  This video is a clip of scenes from the movie combined with a beautiful Casting Crowns song.  Not a second goes by that I do not wonder myself, "Does Anybody Hear Her"?

*** The original video I had was removed by youtube, so I uploaded this one.  When I searched on youtube, I found this one, and it had such a powerful message that I chose it over many others.  If you watch this on youtube, you will see so many comments from people who feel lost, abandoned, hurt, unwanted.  


Both Lily and Libba are sisters.  I don't know if Melanie or Whitney will ever feel strongly enough about Kaitlyn's salvation to risk so much to help her, but I know that I do.  I think about all the hours spent in complete enraptured prayer literally screaming and begging God to save Kaitlyn.  I think also about all the hours of driving around looking for Kaitlyn, making phone calls, tracking down leads.  I think about all the hugs, love, kindness and insults endured as I've tried desperately to hold onto a tiny, fragile thread of connection to my beautiful daughter.  It's almost impossible to separate her mental illness / addiction from the person she is (was, could be).  Each day just has to be about that day.  Each second has to be about that second.  Most people cannot handle this.  I am not sure some days that I am handling it at all.

February 2006

What Happened?        © Angelita Alvarez

What happened is what I ask myself everyday.

What was she thinking knowing she'd be putting her life to waste.
This is my sister and I love her with all my heart,
But doing drugs has only kept us far apart.
I never thought she would end up this way,
It hurts me knowing I can't help her, so all I do is pray,
I pray for her to open her eyes before it's too late.
Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby,
I guess she doesn't care if her kids end up without a mommy.
Why can't she be the way she was before?
Now that was my sister, the one that always loved me more.
She was my best friend, we were always together,
Nothing ever kept us apart because we promised we'd be sisters forever.
I guess forever finally came to an end.
She don't love me anymore now, Heroin became her new friend.
I cry every time something reminds me of my sister,
I feel anger and pain inside knowing I can't help her.
But I won't lose faith,
Every night I will pray,
Cause I know someday God will show her the way.
So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best,
I pray it's never my sister who will someday be laid to rest!

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I really don't have too much to say about this, but I did want to make a note about the feelings watching this episode of "Cold Case" stirred in me.  Kaitlyn's situation is not promising as of today.  All I can do is pray and continue to have faith in her.