7/29/14 A Sense of Loss

https://youtu.be/8wiVjm9rczo?si=jVvgyo3pWZNuc-Rp Talking to Kaitlyn, I can feel how much she misses something she thought she had, an ideal of something.

She has so much bitterness and anger right now towards the person who hurt her.  This is understandable. 

Beyond that is the sense of loss:  she feels she has lost everything.

Childhood
Family
Innocence
Talents
Friends
Future

Just like other victims, she fixates on one thing at a time, attaches emotions to things and feels re-victimized when that "thing" is gone.

Recovery must include a strong spiritual component.  Because of the transcendence of worldly things, a spiritual component is the only way to provide stability.  It is the only thing that cannot be lost.  Moving beyond the immediate sense of urgency, the primal fear of injury and pain, establishing a strong spiritual connection can be so difficult.  What I have learned in this ordeal with Kaitlyn is that the spiritual approach is the only one that can provide solid support.

Also, recovery cannot be a piece by piece process.  It has to include all aspects of recovery - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and legal (possibly).  Each day brings new struggles, new perceived dangers.  For me to be an effective supporter, I must have each of these components stabilized in my own life.  I must have support of my own in order to deal with the consistent onslaught of Kaitlyn's emotions.

Today, I have so very few answers and lots of questions.  What I can offer is a prayer for recovery.  Don't give up.  Wherever you are, don't give up.  Take the one baby step you need to take today.

Timetables are impossible.  I can only meet each new challenge as I encounter it.  For a person who relies heavily on timetables, this proves the most difficult for me.  My daughter and the preservation of her identify are more important than timetables and personal expectations.

Just a note on the video at the top of the blog.  I had no idea Lindsey Lohan recorded an album.  I was doing a cursory search of "innocence, loss, family, incest" and stumbled across it.  I truly think it says so much of what Kaitlyn says in regard to her perpetrator.  I'd like to say a few choice words of my own.  Conduct a search of your own.................see what you find.  I have also linked a couple of articles about the psychology of lost innocence that I found helpful.

My dear, sweet Kaitlyn....................fight.  Today, find that little girl inside you and let her have some breathing room.  You have not killed her off.  You have just locked her away so deeply inside yourself to protect her.  Just today, fight for her.............I know you can do it.

7/30/14 Stuck in the Middle

Kaitlyn is a middle child and as a middle child she feels stuck trying to find an identity.

She needs to be the center of attention, and something she's never been overly aggressive about - needing attention from people.  But I know that as a middle child, she needs something, one thing, anything - she needs to be the best at something.

Sadly, the thing that she is the best at it is this rebellion, the teenage angst, her drug use addiction, her anger.

I struggle with this because I knew all of this before this chaos even started. I knew it; I tried to prevent it. I tried to get her to be the best at something else, but all of my education and experience failed. I think this is one of the few times I have admitted to anyone that I feel like a failure.  Even as I edit this, I can hear Kaitlyn's voice chiding me, "This is not about you!"

I know other parents of difficult children have similar feelings:  I've talked with several and have read many blogs and articles. Most parents feel at a loss.

I have said it before that I was not naive enough to think I could do something better or that I had the answer.  I will say it again.  However, I am not sure why I feel so much disappointment, such a sense of failure.  Kaitlyn would tell you right now that she feels like a failure,  that she feels like no one will forgive her.

We need a success. Kaitlyn desperately needs a success, and I would give it to her if I could.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.

As I begin to understand the dynamics of incest and shaming in a family, I remember that Kaitlyn is a victim.  I remind myself of all the  negative emotions, the rage, the confusion that comes with this family dynamic.  Then, I compound all those emotions together with the  normal teenage hormones and confusion.  No wonder Kaitlyn is a mess.

Feelings of rejection, of disposal even, in this family dynamic are so intertwined with the ideal of family love and support.  The perpetrator then "throws away" the victim.  The rejection is compounded because of that sense of love.  It seems almost impossible to reconcile the feelings of victimization, rejection, loss, love and acceptance.  In an incest situation, the rejection comes from the abuse, not because of an unworthiness to be loved.  Yet, victims often struggle to understand this.  It is so innate to want love and acceptance.  What a really tragic cycle that a victim continues to seek love from the perpetrator.

I try to talk to her as much as I can about how normal her emotions are - the ping-pong effect of all the emotions blended together, each emotions fighting the other for her attention, contradicting each other, supporting each other.  What a sad and tragic situation.  The unfairness of it hits me solidly most days, and I am impotent to find a solution.