Purposes of Blogging

This blog started off as a way to work through my sadness, sorrow, grief and fear when my daughter went missing for 50 days.  The reasons behind her running away, for disappearing for a while, have everything to do with an addiction, a childhood sexual assault and an inability to cope with the reality of what her life has become.  She is not the only victim of trauma, of disappointment.

Her older sister was also a victim of that assault and also has issues with drug abuse and codependency.

What I really want to say to my daughters right now is that it would be easier for me to let go completely, to give up and not try to help you get better - that would be the easiest thing to do.

I didn't choose the easy route when I became your mom; I did not choose the easy route when I decided to make decisions to improve our future. I did not choose the easy route when I decided to jump into the shark infested waters with you. I will not abandon you; I am here for you no matter what, and I will not choose the easy path.  

Even as you try to take the easy road I will not.  Sometimes in the future when you look back on all this, I hope you remember that every decision I make, every word I choose to speak to you, I do so through God's amazing grace - every part of my relationship with you has been blessed and approved by God. when I chose to be your mom, I chose to follow obediently to God's plan.  I chose to believe in the power higher than what existed in the world, and I chose to follow him because He gave me the ultimate gift of becoming a mother.

So even when you're mad at me,  I know you love me; and even when the days seem hard,  know you forgive me my inability to let you go.   know you love me even when you can't say it.

Promising Potential

The hardest part of letting go of a child is also letting go of the dreams.....you know, the ones we have for her when she's small.  As I glance at pictures of my beautiful daughter, I remember all the promise that existed at the time each of those little snippets in time embedded into that picture.  It's funny how looking through old photos does that.

 

Even under perfect circumstances meaning that my daughter had not diverted into a life of self-destruction, the little girl I see in these photos no longer exists.  Even if she had not had her innocense shattered by a cruel and selfish act of someone she loved and trusted, this little girl has grown into a young woman.  It's torture, really, to look at these old photos.

 

At a time when we should be planning her Senior year, ordering her beautiful Senior pictures, getting ready for new journies in new directions, instead, my days are filled with visits to therapists, probation officers, juvenile court, truancy officers and waiting helplessly by the phone for any news about her safety.  Oh my, it is so unfair I could scream.

 

Over the last couple of years, I have been diligently scanning old snapshots.  Then, I spend lots of time with labeling, sorting and cross-referencing into folders for each of my daughters.  My hope is to give each girl a digital collection of family photos and keepsakes.  When my heart aches, I barely can focus on my  normal daily tasks much less look through hundreds of photos of my precious daughter.  The sad reality is that for years, I could not look at my own childhood photos without weeping. 

 

Child sexual abuse is a sad and often ignored piece of my family dynamic, just like it is in many families.  We talk about diabetes or cancer, the cousin with MS, the alcohol abuse and the chain smoking, but never do we venture into the reality of incest and sexual abuse.  All the potential excuses run franctically in my mind:

it's generational

we just didn't talk about things like that

it's not as bad as you think it is

lots of families have this same issue

he can't help it

the alcohol made him do it

what could I do?

get over it.

 

 

 

 

But when it comes to my own daughter, none of these excuses are good enough.  She deserves more than an excuse.  She deserves action.  Yet, she fights me every step of the way.  There are days when I think she would be better off if I had just let it alone.

I've Been There

I seriously have been there..............am still there.  If you are reading this, then you love someone battling with addiction, with oppositional defiance, with PTSD, with drugs, with destructive behaviors.........the list goes on and on.  As an educator, advocate, survivor, mother - I have fervently and with great enthusiasm sought help to somehow save my daughter.  Those around me can say she's 17, she's an adult, she's making a choice.........they can say that, but those words do not soothe a battered and shattering heart.  Those words do not comfort the desperation in not knowing where my daughter is.  Those words do not dry my tears, hold my hand, or give me focus enough to remember to pay my rent before it's late.

No.........those words do little to actually help me.  Even though the words are true, logical, a mother's love is emotional, hormonal, primal.  Fighting within myself between logic and emotion, I barely can move.  So when I say I've been there...........I am there, believe me, I am.

Being a woman of action.............I began researching.  I am still researching.  I must do something.  Last night as I couldn't sleep, I finally created a www.pinterest.com board.

I have so much more I need to say, to post, to question.

But for today, just today...........I must put one foot in front of the other.  Step 1.............just say "Jesus".
Put faith in Jesus; go out on faith and let go.  Say, "Jesus".

Take a few moments to listen to 7eventh Time Down.  Listen............and let this first step be just about asking Jesus to walk with you.