She needs to be the center of attention, and something she's never been overly aggressive about - needing attention from people. But I know that as a middle child, she needs something, one thing, anything - she needs to be the best at something.
Sadly, the thing that she is the best at it is this rebellion, the teenage angst, her drug use addiction, her anger.
I struggle with this because I knew all of this before this chaos even started. I knew it; I tried to prevent it. I tried to get her to be the best at something else, but all of my education and experience failed. I think this is one of the few times I have admitted to anyone that I feel like a failure. Even as I edit this, I can hear Kaitlyn's voice chiding me, "This is not about you!"
I know other parents of difficult children have similar feelings: I've talked with several and have read many blogs and articles. Most parents feel at a loss.
I have said it before that I was not naive enough to think I could do something better or that I had the answer. I will say it again. However, I am not sure why I feel so much disappointment, such a sense of failure. Kaitlyn would tell you right now that she feels like a failure, that she feels like no one will forgive her.
We need a success. Kaitlyn desperately needs a success, and I would give it to her if I could.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.
As I begin to understand the dynamics of incest and shaming in a family, I remember that Kaitlyn is a victim. I remind myself of all the negative emotions, the rage, the confusion that comes with this family dynamic. Then, I compound all those emotions together with the normal teenage hormones and confusion. No wonder Kaitlyn is a mess.
Feelings of rejection, of disposal even, in this family dynamic are so intertwined with the ideal of family love and support. The perpetrator then "throws away" the victim. The rejection is compounded because of that sense of love. It seems almost impossible to reconcile the feelings of victimization, rejection, loss, love and acceptance. In an incest situation, the rejection comes from the abuse, not because of an unworthiness to be loved. Yet, victims often struggle to understand this. It is so innate to want love and acceptance. What a really tragic cycle that a victim continues to seek love from the perpetrator.
I try to talk to her as much as I can about how normal her emotions are - the ping-pong effect of all the emotions blended together, each emotions fighting the other for her attention, contradicting each other, supporting each other. What a sad and tragic situation. The unfairness of it hits me solidly most days, and I am impotent to find a solution.
No comments:
Post a Comment