For some reason, Mary Chapin Carpenter's song "10,000 Miles" from "Fly Away Home" came drifting lazily into my mind this morning, and as I stopped to let the melody and words materialize, the tears began to slowly fall.
Twenty five years ago when Melanie was just about to turn three, I had a Mommy and Daughter date day. We went to the circus on one of these outings, just her and me. Then, we went to eat dinner together and to the movies to see "Fly Away Home". I was so so pregnant with Kaitlyn - - a high risk pregnancy that left me unable to do much for most of the pregnancy. These date days with Melanie were (and have remained) some of the fondest mommy memories.
After the arrival of the second child, my relationship with Melanie changed. This is always true with changes in family dynamics. It was a change I was never ready for nor did I always welcome. I would be so caught up dealing with the new baby that I often felt I hadn't seen or interacted with Melanie for days. I would watch her playing with that intense curiosity that I often see in Sophia now and my heart would ache to just crawl into her make believe world and live with her forever.
This song makes me weep. My heart is so completely shattered at the loss of my daughter. As I say this, I think of a longtime friend who actually lost her daughter, and I feel shame for feeling like my daughter is gone. In many ways, Melanie is gone. She's made decisions that separate her from her family. Whatever the reasons for her choices, the fact that my first born is not a part of my life haunts me.
All I can do today is whisper a prayer - I pray that my sweet child finds the courage to fight the addiction that controls her, that she finds the strength to heal, that she finds the ability to quiet the desperate voices making horrible choices for her. For a moment this morning, I wondered if the song drifting into my mind was a sign of something ominous, and I panicked. Having hope at this stage is almost impossible, but I understand fully how valuable hope is.
https://youtu.be/8wiVjm9rczo?si=jVvgyo3pWZNuc-Rp
Talking to Kaitlyn, I can feel how much she misses something she thought she had, an ideal of something.
She has so much bitterness and anger right now towards the person who hurt her. This is understandable.
Beyond that is the sense of loss: she feels she has lost everything. Childhood
Family
Innocence
Talents
Friends
Future
Just like other victims, she fixates on one thing at a time, attaches emotions to things and feels re-victimized when that "thing" is gone.
Recovery must include a strong spiritual component. Because of the transcendence of worldly things, a spiritual component is the only way to provide stability. It is the only thing that cannot be lost. Moving beyond the immediate sense of urgency, the primal fear of injury and pain, establishing a strong spiritual connection can be so difficult. What I have learned in this ordeal with Kaitlyn is that the spiritual approach is the only one that can provide solid support.
Also, recovery cannot be a piece by piece process. It has to include all aspects of recovery - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and legal (possibly). Each day brings new struggles, new perceived dangers. For me to be an effective supporter, I must have each of these components stabilized in my own life. I must have support of my own in order to deal with the consistent onslaught of Kaitlyn's emotions.
Today, I have so very few answers and lots of questions. What I can offer is a prayer for recovery. Don't give up. Wherever you are, don't give up. Take the one baby step you need to take today.
Timetables are impossible. I can only meet each new challenge as I encounter it. For a person who relies heavily on timetables, this proves the most difficult for me. My daughter and the preservation of her identify are more important than timetables and personal expectations.
Just a note on the video at the top of the blog. I had no idea Lindsey Lohan recorded an album. I was doing a cursory search of "innocence, loss, family, incest" and stumbled across it. I truly think it says so much of what Kaitlyn says in regard to her perpetrator. I'd like to say a few choice words of my own. Conduct a search of your own.................see what you find. I have also linked a couple of articles about the psychology of lost innocence that I found helpful.
My dear, sweet Kaitlyn....................fight. Today, find that little girl inside you and let her have some breathing room. You have not killed her off. You have just locked her away so deeply inside yourself to protect her. Just today, fight for her.............I know you can do it.
