Forgiveness

Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States.  I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place.  As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind.  Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again.  Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me.  For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger.

To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions toward me, similar to what you do right now.  Some of these emotions are:  anger, resentment, rejection, confusion, hatred, disappointment.  I truly wish I could include other emotions like joy and contentment on this list, but those are not emotions you have toward me or toward the life I've built for you.  I am not singling out anyone specific when I say "my daughters"; although Whitney has not developed many of these emotions yet, she often is angry and disappointed.  She tends to be more forgiving at her age (I hope this continues).

It is a natural part of adolescence to harbor resentment and anger toward parents.  Parents are the ones pushing hard and expecting so much.  In our immediate family, I am the only parent, so I am often tired and more demanding.  One of my saddest regrets is that I have always had to be the stricter parent because Jack would not establish clear boundaries.  I hope my daughters know that what I wanted was to be the sweet and loving mother, the one who got to doctor the boo boos and listen to hurts.  I know that as I tried to balance out our lives to include the softer side of me, it did so little to console all the bruised feelings.

As I reflect backward onto my own life, I realize more and more that I was the parent I was simply because it was whom I was.  With my own scars and disappointments, not to mention my intellect, I parented the only way I could.  This revelation made me look at my own parents with new eyes and understand that they, too, did the best they could.  Love of a parent is complicated that way.

So, as you look backward someday, forgive yourself your negative emotions.  Allow them to be replaced slowly with positive emotions.  I forgive each of you.

 I have held so much love and joy in my heart for each of you, my daughters.  You three are the only reason I have breath in my lungs.  The hope that someday each of you will look at me with respect and want a relationship with me is all that sustains me.  Please take time to remember all the silly and fun things we used to do, even though maybe all you remember right now are bruised feelings and anger..............things such as picnic hikes to the Greenbelt and carving pumpkins on Halloween.  Remember splashing around at the pool or having carpet picnics.  My deep and sincere prayer is that you allow the sweet memories to invade and destroy all the walls you have tried to build up. "Just because you hide your eyes does not mean I can't see you."

Shattered

I am watching "Cold Case:  Shattered".  Lily was knocked unconscious by a door in a crappy hotel, and her gun stolen.  When she came to, she was staring at a photo of herself and her sister as little girls which prompted a flashback to a time at the beach.  Lily was always trying to save her mother and sister in the show, carrying the baggage of her tortured childhood with her.

Another image I have in my min>d is of a movie "Bring Ashley Home".  When I first watched this movie in 2011, Kaitlyn's life had not spiraled out of control yet.  Last year, it was on cable again, but I couldn't even bring myself to think about watching it because of its all too real similarity to Kaitlyn's story.  This video is a clip of scenes from the movie combined with a beautiful Casting Crowns song.  Not a second goes by that I do not wonder myself, "Does Anybody Hear Her"?

*** The original video I had was removed by youtube, so I uploaded this one.  When I searched on youtube, I found this one, and it had such a powerful message that I chose it over many others.  If you watch this on youtube, you will see so many comments from people who feel lost, abandoned, hurt, unwanted.  


Both Lily and Libba are sisters.  I don't know if Melanie or Whitney will ever feel strongly enough about Kaitlyn's salvation to risk so much to help her, but I know that I do.  I think about all the hours spent in complete enraptured prayer literally screaming and begging God to save Kaitlyn.  I think also about all the hours of driving around looking for Kaitlyn, making phone calls, tracking down leads.  I think about all the hugs, love, kindness and insults endured as I've tried desperately to hold onto a tiny, fragile thread of connection to my beautiful daughter.  It's almost impossible to separate her mental illness / addiction from the person she is (was, could be).  Each day just has to be about that day.  Each second has to be about that second.  Most people cannot handle this.  I am not sure some days that I am handling it at all.

February 2006

What Happened?        © Angelita Alvarez

What happened is what I ask myself everyday.

What was she thinking knowing she'd be putting her life to waste.
This is my sister and I love her with all my heart,
But doing drugs has only kept us far apart.
I never thought she would end up this way,
It hurts me knowing I can't help her, so all I do is pray,
I pray for her to open her eyes before it's too late.
Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby,
I guess she doesn't care if her kids end up without a mommy.
Why can't she be the way she was before?
Now that was my sister, the one that always loved me more.
She was my best friend, we were always together,
Nothing ever kept us apart because we promised we'd be sisters forever.
I guess forever finally came to an end.
She don't love me anymore now, Heroin became her new friend.
I cry every time something reminds me of my sister,
I feel anger and pain inside knowing I can't help her.
But I won't lose faith,
Every night I will pray,
Cause I know someday God will show her the way.
So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best,
I pray it's never my sister who will someday be laid to rest!

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I really don't have too much to say about this, but I did want to make a note about the feelings watching this episode of "Cold Case" stirred in me.  Kaitlyn's situation is not promising as of today.  All I can do is pray and continue to have faith in her.

Let it Go

For Kaitlyn today.................I hope you hear the love I have for you as I send this very special prayer. Please, today, fight!! Fight!! Let it go and come home.

Relapsing

Here we go again, Kaitlyn, down the same path that you've been down so many times before; and I guess blindly, naively I believed that a lot of work a lot of prayer would make a difference.  I don't know, maybe it does, or has in your case.

It is so difficult watching you struggle and watching you make the same mistake over and over and over again especially when so many people are on your side and have tried to intervene for you.

Someday I know you will look back, and you will realize the love that has been poured out to you; and I know that you will realize that you did the best you could with what you had.  You will also understand that there's really no blame - it is what it is.

I'm not mad at you; I forgive you every mistake you ever made because I do love you.

I am sending this prayer into the universe that God will just cradle you, cradle and bless you until you can stop being so angry and before you destroy yourself, before you destroy your precious, precious future.  I pray for you because you were amazing and beautiful and so wonderful.  I miss you more than you'll ever know. 

I wish things were different, and I wish that you understood how hard it is as a parent to be at this point and make a decision to let you live your life on your terms. I can't do it for you, and all I was doing for the last six months is enabling you to continue in your addiction.  Someday you will see that I did the best I could for you.

Day 18............Possible Leads

Through this whole ordeal, I had a hunch that Kaitlyn was in the area, staying with friends.  Even when my mind would slowly drift to other possibilities, I could logically ponder facts and statistics to highlight the more possibly likelihood that she was with friends.  Everyone has said the same thing.

I realize that in some ways, imagining the worst made it easier to avoid  lots of underlying issues in my relationship with Kaitlyn or with the reality of mental illness and addiction.  Even as I type that last statement, I realize that many families whose children are missing, possibly from foul play, would give anything to have a mental illness or addiction problem to deal with instead.  These are very murky waters where we swim.

The stress of this all is rapidly catching up with me.  I spend many hours either with a severe headache, shoulder / back pain, sleeplessness or indigestion.  As I spent an hour of pure hell last night trying to quell acid reflux, tears finally fell.  Only a couple hours before, I had been out looking for Kaitlyn following some leads provided by a couple of her friends in our complex.  I now know where she has been all this time and that she has been hanging out at a different high school other than hers.

Stress..............even when we don't feel stressed, dealing with issues can effect many aspects of our day.  While some people get "jumpy" or "moody", others may internalize stress meaning that the jumpiness is hidden.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me in these last couple of weeks that I am handling this all well.  Smiling, I want to launch into the hidden physical effects, but I smile and say "thank you".  Whitney recently came home from school and shared with me a video she had seen about the positive benefits of stress.  As I watched it, I knew most of what the speaker posited, and for a few moments, I wondered if I was overreacting lately.  What Kelly McGonigal speaks about is not the prolonged, intense stress associated with a missing child, mental illness or addiction.  That Whitney thought about me when she watched it and wanted to share with mean meant so much to me.

Underlying issues............even if many tell me differently, I feel an enormous amount of guilt.

1.  Kaitlyn has been saying for a while that she does not like me and does not want to live with me.  Am I just too selfish to hear her?  Is there anything to her complaint?  I dreamed that Kaitlyn was found, and that all the people she's been hiding out with presented valid evidence that I was an unfit person.  I can't help but wonder.  The underlying issue encompasses many things..............teenage rebellion, co-dependency, denial, over-bearing parenting.

2. 18 days of no contact from someone you love is such an enormous issue.  Could Kaitlyn be that cruel?  She must understand somewhere deep inside what pain and suffering she is causing, not only to me, but to her sisters and grandparents.  Did I do such a horrible job raising her?  The underlying issue is an addiction and stress anxiety from her childhood abuse.  Our extended family dynamic has created such a stigma of shame.

3.  Bailing out of her life and abandoning her responsibilities really scares me.  The women in my maternal family line have a very long history of abandonment.  I want more for my daughters.  Part of my naive self believed that through love, support and education, this circle of abandonment could change.  In much the same way, I believed once that the circle of addiction, abuse, and incest could also be broken.  As all these elements culminate with Kaitlyn, I must face the fact that I was wrong.  That's hard for me.  I believed it, believed so much in the power of faith and prayer, also.  To face the fact that I was wrong jeopardizes much of what I believe in the world now. Underlying issues with this include my own childhood abuse, denial and trust issues.