7/29/14 A Sense of Loss

https://youtu.be/8wiVjm9rczo?si=jVvgyo3pWZNuc-Rp Talking to Kaitlyn, I can feel how much she misses something she thought she had, an ideal of something.

She has so much bitterness and anger right now towards the person who hurt her.  This is understandable. 

Beyond that is the sense of loss:  she feels she has lost everything.

Childhood
Family
Innocence
Talents
Friends
Future

Just like other victims, she fixates on one thing at a time, attaches emotions to things and feels re-victimized when that "thing" is gone.

Recovery must include a strong spiritual component.  Because of the transcendence of worldly things, a spiritual component is the only way to provide stability.  It is the only thing that cannot be lost.  Moving beyond the immediate sense of urgency, the primal fear of injury and pain, establishing a strong spiritual connection can be so difficult.  What I have learned in this ordeal with Kaitlyn is that the spiritual approach is the only one that can provide solid support.

Also, recovery cannot be a piece by piece process.  It has to include all aspects of recovery - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and legal (possibly).  Each day brings new struggles, new perceived dangers.  For me to be an effective supporter, I must have each of these components stabilized in my own life.  I must have support of my own in order to deal with the consistent onslaught of Kaitlyn's emotions.

Today, I have so very few answers and lots of questions.  What I can offer is a prayer for recovery.  Don't give up.  Wherever you are, don't give up.  Take the one baby step you need to take today.

Timetables are impossible.  I can only meet each new challenge as I encounter it.  For a person who relies heavily on timetables, this proves the most difficult for me.  My daughter and the preservation of her identify are more important than timetables and personal expectations.

Just a note on the video at the top of the blog.  I had no idea Lindsey Lohan recorded an album.  I was doing a cursory search of "innocence, loss, family, incest" and stumbled across it.  I truly think it says so much of what Kaitlyn says in regard to her perpetrator.  I'd like to say a few choice words of my own.  Conduct a search of your own.................see what you find.  I have also linked a couple of articles about the psychology of lost innocence that I found helpful.

My dear, sweet Kaitlyn....................fight.  Today, find that little girl inside you and let her have some breathing room.  You have not killed her off.  You have just locked her away so deeply inside yourself to protect her.  Just today, fight for her.............I know you can do it.

7/30/14 Stuck in the Middle

Kaitlyn is a middle child and as a middle child she feels stuck trying to find an identity.

She needs to be the center of attention, and something she's never been overly aggressive about - needing attention from people.  But I know that as a middle child, she needs something, one thing, anything - she needs to be the best at something.

Sadly, the thing that she is the best at it is this rebellion, the teenage angst, her drug use addiction, her anger.

I struggle with this because I knew all of this before this chaos even started. I knew it; I tried to prevent it. I tried to get her to be the best at something else, but all of my education and experience failed. I think this is one of the few times I have admitted to anyone that I feel like a failure.  Even as I edit this, I can hear Kaitlyn's voice chiding me, "This is not about you!"

I know other parents of difficult children have similar feelings:  I've talked with several and have read many blogs and articles. Most parents feel at a loss.

I have said it before that I was not naive enough to think I could do something better or that I had the answer.  I will say it again.  However, I am not sure why I feel so much disappointment, such a sense of failure.  Kaitlyn would tell you right now that she feels like a failure,  that she feels like no one will forgive her.

We need a success. Kaitlyn desperately needs a success, and I would give it to her if I could.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.

As I begin to understand the dynamics of incest and shaming in a family, I remember that Kaitlyn is a victim.  I remind myself of all the  negative emotions, the rage, the confusion that comes with this family dynamic.  Then, I compound all those emotions together with the  normal teenage hormones and confusion.  No wonder Kaitlyn is a mess.

Feelings of rejection, of disposal even, in this family dynamic are so intertwined with the ideal of family love and support.  The perpetrator then "throws away" the victim.  The rejection is compounded because of that sense of love.  It seems almost impossible to reconcile the feelings of victimization, rejection, loss, love and acceptance.  In an incest situation, the rejection comes from the abuse, not because of an unworthiness to be loved.  Yet, victims often struggle to understand this.  It is so innate to want love and acceptance.  What a really tragic cycle that a victim continues to seek love from the perpetrator.

I try to talk to her as much as I can about how normal her emotions are - the ping-pong effect of all the emotions blended together, each emotions fighting the other for her attention, contradicting each other, supporting each other.  What a sad and tragic situation.  The unfairness of it hits me solidly most days, and I am impotent to find a solution.  

Purposes of Blogging

This blog started off as a way to work through my sadness, sorrow, grief and fear when my daughter went missing for 50 days.  The reasons behind her running away, for disappearing for a while, have everything to do with an addiction, a childhood sexual assault and an inability to cope with the reality of what her life has become.  She is not the only victim of trauma, of disappointment.

Her older sister was also a victim of that assault and also has issues with drug abuse and codependency.

What I really want to say to my daughters right now is that it would be easier for me to let go completely, to give up and not try to help you get better - that would be the easiest thing to do.

I didn't choose the easy route when I became your mom; I did not choose the easy route when I decided to make decisions to improve our future. I did not choose the easy route when I decided to jump into the shark infested waters with you. I will not abandon you; I am here for you no matter what, and I will not choose the easy path.  

Even as you try to take the easy road I will not.  Sometimes in the future when you look back on all this, I hope you remember that every decision I make, every word I choose to speak to you, I do so through God's amazing grace - every part of my relationship with you has been blessed and approved by God. when I chose to be your mom, I chose to follow obediently to God's plan.  I chose to believe in the power higher than what existed in the world, and I chose to follow him because He gave me the ultimate gift of becoming a mother.

So even when you're mad at me,  I know you love me; and even when the days seem hard,  know you forgive me my inability to let you go.   know you love me even when you can't say it.

Celebrations and the Reality of Incest

original date 03/18/2014

One of the most damaging and pervasive side effects of incest and shaming is the lack of family celebrations. Turning 18 should be the top of celebrations, and  Kaitlyn turned 18 this year. Struggling to have a sense of normalcy, she wanted the big 18th birthday party.  It didn't happen.

When you have decreased the number of family members in your intermediate circle because of incest and shaming, you can't have those big family celebrations you used to have, or wants to have.  She would tell you herself there is no way she wanted to invite the family, but then in the same short conversation she would lament the loss of having all those family members.  The fact that her dad's family has completely abandoned my daughters does not help.  There truly is no support system from the family on either side.

I put some effort into getting Kaitlyn all kinds of things to remember her 18th birthday - a cute tiara, a pin, some balloons, to name a few.  I did invite a few close friends and neighbors, and of course I invited the family that is not involved in this abuse.  Those not involved in the abuse could've came if they chose to, but they chose not to - that's how weird this shaming situation is in families.  Talk about the giant polka-dot elephant in the room.  Kaitlyn deserves so much more.  My heart breaks for her.

Her 16th birthday was the one I really wanted to celebrate and blow out of the water,  It was before all this information came out, and the 16th birthday was completely ignored by the family.  It doesn't make a difference that we've decided to pull away from them because if they can't be in control they choose not to participate.  It is too much for a grown, well educated and mature woman to handle.  I can only imagine the pressure of a vulnerable teenager.

I hold onto the keepsakes, the pictures and try to journal hoping she'll remember it;  hopefully one day she'll know that she was loved and know who the people are that really do care about her.

Day 18............Possible Leads

Through this whole ordeal, I had a hunch that Kaitlyn was in the area, staying with friends.  Even when my mind would slowly drift to other possibilities, I could logically ponder facts and statistics to highlight the more possibly likelihood that she was with friends.  Everyone has said the same thing.

I realize that in some ways, imagining the worst made it easier to avoid  lots of underlying issues in my relationship with Kaitlyn or with the reality of mental illness and addiction.  Even as I type that last statement, I realize that many families whose children are missing, possibly from foul play, would give anything to have a mental illness or addiction problem to deal with instead.  These are very murky waters where we swim.

The stress of this all is rapidly catching up with me.  I spend many hours either with a severe headache, shoulder / back pain, sleeplessness or indigestion.  As I spent an hour of pure hell last night trying to quell acid reflux, tears finally fell.  Only a couple hours before, I had been out looking for Kaitlyn following some leads provided by a couple of her friends in our complex.  I now know where she has been all this time and that she has been hanging out at a different high school other than hers.

Stress..............even when we don't feel stressed, dealing with issues can effect many aspects of our day.  While some people get "jumpy" or "moody", others may internalize stress meaning that the jumpiness is hidden.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me in these last couple of weeks that I am handling this all well.  Smiling, I want to launch into the hidden physical effects, but I smile and say "thank you".  Whitney recently came home from school and shared with me a video she had seen about the positive benefits of stress.  As I watched it, I knew most of what the speaker posited, and for a few moments, I wondered if I was overreacting lately.  What Kelly McGonigal speaks about is not the prolonged, intense stress associated with a missing child, mental illness or addiction.  That Whitney thought about me when she watched it and wanted to share with mean meant so much to me.

Underlying issues............even if many tell me differently, I feel an enormous amount of guilt.

1.  Kaitlyn has been saying for a while that she does not like me and does not want to live with me.  Am I just too selfish to hear her?  Is there anything to her complaint?  I dreamed that Kaitlyn was found, and that all the people she's been hiding out with presented valid evidence that I was an unfit person.  I can't help but wonder.  The underlying issue encompasses many things..............teenage rebellion, co-dependency, denial, over-bearing parenting.

2. 18 days of no contact from someone you love is such an enormous issue.  Could Kaitlyn be that cruel?  She must understand somewhere deep inside what pain and suffering she is causing, not only to me, but to her sisters and grandparents.  Did I do such a horrible job raising her?  The underlying issue is an addiction and stress anxiety from her childhood abuse.  Our extended family dynamic has created such a stigma of shame.

3.  Bailing out of her life and abandoning her responsibilities really scares me.  The women in my maternal family line have a very long history of abandonment.  I want more for my daughters.  Part of my naive self believed that through love, support and education, this circle of abandonment could change.  In much the same way, I believed once that the circle of addiction, abuse, and incest could also be broken.  As all these elements culminate with Kaitlyn, I must face the fact that I was wrong.  That's hard for me.  I believed it, believed so much in the power of faith and prayer, also.  To face the fact that I was wrong jeopardizes much of what I believe in the world now. Underlying issues with this include my own childhood abuse, denial and trust issues.

Promising Potential

The hardest part of letting go of a child is also letting go of the dreams.....you know, the ones we have for her when she's small.  As I glance at pictures of my beautiful daughter, I remember all the promise that existed at the time each of those little snippets in time embedded into that picture.  It's funny how looking through old photos does that.

 

Even under perfect circumstances meaning that my daughter had not diverted into a life of self-destruction, the little girl I see in these photos no longer exists.  Even if she had not had her innocense shattered by a cruel and selfish act of someone she loved and trusted, this little girl has grown into a young woman.  It's torture, really, to look at these old photos.

 

At a time when we should be planning her Senior year, ordering her beautiful Senior pictures, getting ready for new journies in new directions, instead, my days are filled with visits to therapists, probation officers, juvenile court, truancy officers and waiting helplessly by the phone for any news about her safety.  Oh my, it is so unfair I could scream.

 

Over the last couple of years, I have been diligently scanning old snapshots.  Then, I spend lots of time with labeling, sorting and cross-referencing into folders for each of my daughters.  My hope is to give each girl a digital collection of family photos and keepsakes.  When my heart aches, I barely can focus on my  normal daily tasks much less look through hundreds of photos of my precious daughter.  The sad reality is that for years, I could not look at my own childhood photos without weeping. 

 

Child sexual abuse is a sad and often ignored piece of my family dynamic, just like it is in many families.  We talk about diabetes or cancer, the cousin with MS, the alcohol abuse and the chain smoking, but never do we venture into the reality of incest and sexual abuse.  All the potential excuses run franctically in my mind:

it's generational

we just didn't talk about things like that

it's not as bad as you think it is

lots of families have this same issue

he can't help it

the alcohol made him do it

what could I do?

get over it.

 

 

 

 

But when it comes to my own daughter, none of these excuses are good enough.  She deserves more than an excuse.  She deserves action.  Yet, she fights me every step of the way.  There are days when I think she would be better off if I had just let it alone.

I've Been There

I seriously have been there..............am still there.  If you are reading this, then you love someone battling with addiction, with oppositional defiance, with PTSD, with drugs, with destructive behaviors.........the list goes on and on.  As an educator, advocate, survivor, mother - I have fervently and with great enthusiasm sought help to somehow save my daughter.  Those around me can say she's 17, she's an adult, she's making a choice.........they can say that, but those words do not soothe a battered and shattering heart.  Those words do not comfort the desperation in not knowing where my daughter is.  Those words do not dry my tears, hold my hand, or give me focus enough to remember to pay my rent before it's late.

No.........those words do little to actually help me.  Even though the words are true, logical, a mother's love is emotional, hormonal, primal.  Fighting within myself between logic and emotion, I barely can move.  So when I say I've been there...........I am there, believe me, I am.

Being a woman of action.............I began researching.  I am still researching.  I must do something.  Last night as I couldn't sleep, I finally created a www.pinterest.com board.

I have so much more I need to say, to post, to question.

But for today, just today...........I must put one foot in front of the other.  Step 1.............just say "Jesus".
Put faith in Jesus; go out on faith and let go.  Say, "Jesus".

Take a few moments to listen to 7eventh Time Down.  Listen............and let this first step be just about asking Jesus to walk with you.