Falling Apart, Finally

And just like that, a week and half of being fairly okay and trying to move to acceptance, and I almost fall apart.  Not understanding what triggered it and having a wave of emotions flood over me, all it took was an unexpected noise to send me into a panic.   It's completely horrifying.  The hardest part of this panic attack was knowing that this confused anxiety is Kaitlyn's daily reality.

Today marks the end of the seventh week that you've been gone, 49 days, almost 2 full months.  You missed Halloween nd my birthday.  Thanksgiving is now a week away, and I can't bear the thought of you not being here with your family who love you.

As much as I would love to make this all about me or about what you've done wrong, I also know that it takes a lot of pain and sadness to drive a person to extreme behavior.  I also know you are living  a private hell of your own that you did not create for you to be gone this long.

What I would say to you right now is thast everything will be alright, and I am not mad.  I love you and no matter what, I'm always on your side.  Even when I'm mad at you, I love you; just because I can't see you doesn't mean that I don't know, that I am not aware of you. I love and miss you very much.

You are wonderful, and you know deep inside how much you are loved.  Praying for you, hoping for you, these have kept me from completely falling apart.  No matter what I am feeling, I know that you are dealing with your own issues, ones that I cannot fix.

We all miss you.  Please come home soon.

Day 30.. . . . I am beyond heartbroken

Prayers While Driving

I hope you were not out in all this bad weather the last two nights

I worry about you so much I miss you more than you could ever ever ever know

Whatever demon is haunting chasing devouring you inside please have the strength and the courage to fight it off

Your family loves you very much and we all miss and pray for a very quick and safe return

Kaitlyn you were more valuable then you can understand right now and my true hope for you is that you do not destroy too much of your future before you can realize that

Amber to Amber

Ok, as this ordeal of my daughter's disappearance heads into week 2, my mind refuses to quiet, and I find myself replaying so many things over and over until I am uncertain where the reality and confusion collide.  Seventeen years ago as I was in labor waiting for this precious girl to arrive, we still did not have a middle name picked out to go with Kaitlyn.  All over the news was the story of Amber Hagerman, the 9 year old Arlington, Texas girl who had been brutally snatched off her bike and murdered.  Out of tribute to Amber, Kaitlyn's middle name became Amber.  The reason behind the selection has been proudly told to Kaitlyn for many years.

So imagine the twisted irony when my own Amber has gone missing. The circumstances are different as are the ages.  My daughter chose to leave her home, chose to put herself into danger and to torment her family with prolonged and suffocating questions of "what if".  The irony taunts me.

I want my daughter to return home.  As each day passes to the next, I cannot help but worry that I may never see her again.  Even when others around me remind me that most teens return home, those words do so little to calm my fears.

A Place for Teens

Since placing a post on Kaitlyn's Facebook page, this blog has received about 25 views per day. I realized that those viewing this may be teens in similar situations, and so I decided to share some resourceful information just in case. What I would hope Kaitlyn knows is how to access resources even if she decides not to return home.

 In a perfect scenario, Kaitlyn would return to her home, the one she's known her whole life.  If for some reason she feels she cannot be here, I would want her to find a safe place.

Austin has a teen shelter.  There is no need to go without food, warmth or safety.  A call to 311 Austin can summon a police officer to escort a homeless teen to LifeWorks.

The weather here has turned cool and damp.  I just can't help but worry that Kaitlyn is outside in this weather, alone, scared and hungry.  Each time I see a young woman standing on a corner pan-handling, I slow down to make sure it is not my daughter.  So many teens are homeless, either by choice.

Some Teen Runaway Facts:

1. There are approximately 1.7 million homeless teens in the U.S.
2. 39 percent of the homeless population is young people under 18.
3. About 75 percent of homeless teens use drugs or alcohol as a means to self-medicate to deal with the traumatic experiences and abuse they face.
4. 5,000 young people die every year because of assault, illness, or suicide while on the street.
5. A U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study found that 46 percent of homeless youth left their home because of physical abuse. 17 percent left because of sexual abuse.
6. Approximately 40 percent of homeless teens identify as LGBT.
7. Over 50 percent of young people in shelters and on the streets report that their parents told them to leave or knew they were leaving and didn’t care.
8. The average age a teen becomes homeless is 14.7 years.
9. 1 in 7 young people between the ages of 10 and 18 will run away.
10. Teens age 12 to 17 are more likely to become homeless than adults.
11. HIV rates for homeless young people are 2 to 10 times higher than reported rates for other samples of adolescents in the U.S.

Reading the stats does not put my mind to rest.

No matter what started you on this path, take a step toward healing, toward self-sufficiency.  There are options.