Forgiveness

Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States.  I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place.  As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind.  Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again.  Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me.  For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger.

To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions toward me, similar to what you do right now.  Some of these emotions are:  anger, resentment, rejection, confusion, hatred, disappointment.  I truly wish I could include other emotions like joy and contentment on this list, but those are not emotions you have toward me or toward the life I've built for you.  I am not singling out anyone specific when I say "my daughters"; although Whitney has not developed many of these emotions yet, she often is angry and disappointed.  She tends to be more forgiving at her age (I hope this continues).

It is a natural part of adolescence to harbor resentment and anger toward parents.  Parents are the ones pushing hard and expecting so much.  In our immediate family, I am the only parent, so I am often tired and more demanding.  One of my saddest regrets is that I have always had to be the stricter parent because Jack would not establish clear boundaries.  I hope my daughters know that what I wanted was to be the sweet and loving mother, the one who got to doctor the boo boos and listen to hurts.  I know that as I tried to balance out our lives to include the softer side of me, it did so little to console all the bruised feelings.

As I reflect backward onto my own life, I realize more and more that I was the parent I was simply because it was whom I was.  With my own scars and disappointments, not to mention my intellect, I parented the only way I could.  This revelation made me look at my own parents with new eyes and understand that they, too, did the best they could.  Love of a parent is complicated that way.

So, as you look backward someday, forgive yourself your negative emotions.  Allow them to be replaced slowly with positive emotions.  I forgive each of you.

 I have held so much love and joy in my heart for each of you, my daughters.  You three are the only reason I have breath in my lungs.  The hope that someday each of you will look at me with respect and want a relationship with me is all that sustains me.  Please take time to remember all the silly and fun things we used to do, even though maybe all you remember right now are bruised feelings and anger..............things such as picnic hikes to the Greenbelt and carving pumpkins on Halloween.  Remember splashing around at the pool or having carpet picnics.  My deep and sincere prayer is that you allow the sweet memories to invade and destroy all the walls you have tried to build up. "Just because you hide your eyes does not mean I can't see you."

Shattered

I am watching "Cold Case:  Shattered".  Lily was knocked unconscious by a door in a crappy hotel, and her gun stolen.  When she came to, she was staring at a photo of herself and her sister as little girls which prompted a flashback to a time at the beach.  Lily was always trying to save her mother and sister in the show, carrying the baggage of her tortured childhood with her.

Another image I have in my min>d is of a movie "Bring Ashley Home".  When I first watched this movie in 2011, Kaitlyn's life had not spiraled out of control yet.  Last year, it was on cable again, but I couldn't even bring myself to think about watching it because of its all too real similarity to Kaitlyn's story.  This video is a clip of scenes from the movie combined with a beautiful Casting Crowns song.  Not a second goes by that I do not wonder myself, "Does Anybody Hear Her"?

*** The original video I had was removed by youtube, so I uploaded this one.  When I searched on youtube, I found this one, and it had such a powerful message that I chose it over many others.  If you watch this on youtube, you will see so many comments from people who feel lost, abandoned, hurt, unwanted.  


Both Lily and Libba are sisters.  I don't know if Melanie or Whitney will ever feel strongly enough about Kaitlyn's salvation to risk so much to help her, but I know that I do.  I think about all the hours spent in complete enraptured prayer literally screaming and begging God to save Kaitlyn.  I think also about all the hours of driving around looking for Kaitlyn, making phone calls, tracking down leads.  I think about all the hugs, love, kindness and insults endured as I've tried desperately to hold onto a tiny, fragile thread of connection to my beautiful daughter.  It's almost impossible to separate her mental illness / addiction from the person she is (was, could be).  Each day just has to be about that day.  Each second has to be about that second.  Most people cannot handle this.  I am not sure some days that I am handling it at all.

February 2006

What Happened?        © Angelita Alvarez

What happened is what I ask myself everyday.

What was she thinking knowing she'd be putting her life to waste.
This is my sister and I love her with all my heart,
But doing drugs has only kept us far apart.
I never thought she would end up this way,
It hurts me knowing I can't help her, so all I do is pray,
I pray for her to open her eyes before it's too late.
Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby,
I guess she doesn't care if her kids end up without a mommy.
Why can't she be the way she was before?
Now that was my sister, the one that always loved me more.
She was my best friend, we were always together,
Nothing ever kept us apart because we promised we'd be sisters forever.
I guess forever finally came to an end.
She don't love me anymore now, Heroin became her new friend.
I cry every time something reminds me of my sister,
I feel anger and pain inside knowing I can't help her.
But I won't lose faith,
Every night I will pray,
Cause I know someday God will show her the way.
So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best,
I pray it's never my sister who will someday be laid to rest!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really don't have too much to say about this, but I did want to make a note about the feelings watching this episode of "Cold Case" stirred in me.  Kaitlyn's situation is not promising as of today.  All I can do is pray and continue to have faith in her.

One Day ~ Forgiveness

One day in the future, and I hope it is not too long from now, you will look back on your life and see in reality what your life, your actions, and your thoughts truly are.  Right now, you are absorbed in your pain and immaturity.  It is difficult for you to look anywhere but right in front of you.

But one day......................

One day in the future, you will reflect on your life and on the people that love you.  With maturity and wisdom, you will see beyond the physical realm and instead see into the spirit of others.  Right now, you can only see black or white, good or bad.  You haven't developed the ability to see grey and to understand that love transcends all things.

But one day........................

One day in the future, you will reach out to connect with people who have loved you and prayed for you.  You will seek out their confidence and companionship.  These people who love you so much will have great value to you, and you will want to be a part of their lives.  Right now, you hide from these loved ones, shoving them farther and farther away.  You don't want others to see your pain and embarrassment

But one day.....................

One day in the future, you will see your true worth and value through the eyes of a soul forgiven.  You will understand that your worth comes from your existence and that God forgave you all your sins before those sins were committed.  You will further understand that in the same way, those who love you forgave you for all your transgressions even before those transgressions were made.  "Even when I'm mad at you, I love you."  Right now, you believe forgiveness happens only to others, and you feel that you do not deserve such forgiveness.  It is easier for you to continue to rage against the love and protection offered to you.

But one day...........................

One day, your grandparents and I will no longer exist; we will be mere whispers of ourselves existing in the cherished memories that others carry.  We will be found only in quieted contemplation, old photos and in saved writings.  These quieted contemplations, old photos and saved writings are being created right now with those individuals who are a part of our daily lives.  As you remain disconnected from us, you remain disconnected from those mere whispers that are just beginning to form.  One day in the future, when you reach backward to reflect on the love and grace poured out to you, your grandparents and I will not be available to you.  We will be disconnected from your mature reflections just as you are disconnected from our mere whisper creations.

My deepest sadness comes from the fear that when you are ready, others will have disappeared, either through death or disappointed, and will be unavailable to you.  I pour out words I hope will comfort and soothe you when you finally reach backward to reconnect to the love and companionship offered to you now.  I hope that you see how much I love and miss you.  Not a day goes by that I don't beg God to bless you with a future often offering all my future as a humble sacrifice for yours.

Bridges and Balloons

Let it Go

For Kaitlyn today.................I hope you hear the love I have for you as I send this very special prayer. Please, today, fight!! Fight!! Let it go and come home.

Blood Shed, Forgiveness to Accept

None of us deserves the grace that God gives us none of us deserves the blood that was shed for our sins, but he gives it to us anyway.

Kaitlyn, like anyone else,deserves forgiveness and deserves a second chance; and if I could give away all my future so that she would have that second chance, I'd give it gladly.

I understand that my sadness and my pain doesn't come from her.l  The sadness in her brain - that what she's feeling and experiencing - those are hers, but I am sad because it is Christmas and I miss my daughter.

I have missed her for a long time now and I understand fully that the angry young woman right in front of me is not the daughter that I'm missing, and I understand that I may never have a relationship with this confused and angry young woman.

Falling Apart, Finally

And just like that, a week and half of being fairly okay and trying to move to acceptance, and I almost fall apart.  Not understanding what triggered it and having a wave of emotions flood over me, all it took was an unexpected noise to send me into a panic.   It's completely horrifying.  The hardest part of this panic attack was knowing that this confused anxiety is Kaitlyn's daily reality.

Today marks the end of the seventh week that you've been gone, 49 days, almost 2 full months.  You missed Halloween nd my birthday.  Thanksgiving is now a week away, and I can't bear the thought of you not being here with your family who love you.

As much as I would love to make this all about me or about what you've done wrong, I also know that it takes a lot of pain and sadness to drive a person to extreme behavior.  I also know you are living  a private hell of your own that you did not create for you to be gone this long.

What I would say to you right now is thast everything will be alright, and I am not mad.  I love you and no matter what, I'm always on your side.  Even when I'm mad at you, I love you; just because I can't see you doesn't mean that I don't know, that I am not aware of you. I love and miss you very much.

You are wonderful, and you know deep inside how much you are loved.  Praying for you, hoping for you, these have kept me from completely falling apart.  No matter what I am feeling, I know that you are dealing with your own issues, ones that I cannot fix.

We all miss you.  Please come home soon.

You Don't Know

Originally written January 21, 2013................I was reminded of this today by a very close friend.  Its humbling effect I cannot even begin to explain.

You don't know because you are not her mother.
I know it's hard to see beyond the shadows of right now,
but you don't know, because you are not her mother.

The choice to love her is mine, and even when it is hard
I love her so much because she needs me to.
The choice to love her came the moment I chose to have her.

You don't know because you are not her mother.

Even when she makes bad choices, 
I see the potential inside her.
Looking beyond the right now, I can forgive.

When I think of Kaitlyn, I think of how often she would draw these sad figures.    I would always tell her, "I love you."  I understood the irony of these lonely figures and possibly what Kaitlyn was trying to say as she drew them.  I saw this cute lil' poster in Whitney's closet, and at first glance, my heart literally stopped.  My pain has no definition.  Each long agonizing day turns into another, and my dreams are full of horrendous images.

So naive..............so completely naive.  I thought that by loving her more than anyone should ever love another, I could shield my children from the cruel pain in this world.  I want to reach backward in time and redo so much, especially with Kaitlyn.  I pray...........no beg.............God to deliver her to safety.

Prayers for You

Kaitlyn, I miss you very much. Charlie misses you, too. Come home. 

Day 30.. . . . I am beyond heartbroken

Prayers While Driving

I hope you were not out in all this bad weather the last two nights

I worry about you so much I miss you more than you could ever ever ever know

Whatever demon is haunting chasing devouring you inside please have the strength and the courage to fight it off

Your family loves you very much and we all miss and pray for a very quick and safe return

Kaitlyn you were more valuable then you can understand right now and my true hope for you is that you do not destroy too much of your future before you can realize that

Amber to Amber

Ok, as this ordeal of my daughter's disappearance heads into week 2, my mind refuses to quiet, and I find myself replaying so many things over and over until I am uncertain where the reality and confusion collide.  Seventeen years ago as I was in labor waiting for this precious girl to arrive, we still did not have a middle name picked out to go with Kaitlyn.  All over the news was the story of Amber Hagerman, the 9 year old Arlington, Texas girl who had been brutally snatched off her bike and murdered.  Out of tribute to Amber, Kaitlyn's middle name became Amber.  The reason behind the selection has been proudly told to Kaitlyn for many years.

So imagine the twisted irony when my own Amber has gone missing. The circumstances are different as are the ages.  My daughter chose to leave her home, chose to put herself into danger and to torment her family with prolonged and suffocating questions of "what if".  The irony taunts me.

I want my daughter to return home.  As each day passes to the next, I cannot help but worry that I may never see her again.  Even when others around me remind me that most teens return home, those words do so little to calm my fears.

Trying to move toward Acceptance

When Kaitlyn was younger, she had such a fierce determination.  I saw this in her face during the very first studio portrait made of her at only a few week old.  Sometimes now when I see that photo on my dining room wall, I must pause to ask myself what I did wrong.  Dwelling on this sense of guilt benefits no one, so instead I have been saying deep, heart felt prayers and trying to move toward acceptance instead.

When Kaitlyn was in the 7th grade, about 12 years old, she asked me this profound question regarding social relationships.  She told me a story about having a box of 96 crayons, the one with the sharpener on the back.  She asked why others would ask to use your big box of crayons when they had their own.  Explaining further that it took her a long time to get that bigger box, she just did not want to share with others, even if they could not afford the bigger box.  Of course I knew the deeper implications to her story, understood the question regarding human charity that Kaitlyn struggled with.  I remember staring at her so intently, mesmerized by the depth of her perceptions.

This is how my relationship with Kaitlyn has been her whole life.

When she was only 4 years old, she would focus on whatever game of make believe caught her fancy.  She would line up her dolls and stuffed animals along one wall of her room in some pattern and then leave them in that pattern until some new idea caught her attention.  Her make believe could last for days.  Neither of her sisters ever played on this level.

 

She has approached must of her life with this same intensity.  Look at her self portrait added to this post.  She would work on her lips for hours only to find some hidden flaw only she would see.  Even after it was complete, she would scoff at it, unsatisfied.  Me trying to define things for her has never been easy as she sought always to define them for herself.

As her mom, watching this dark, uncertain journey terrifies and saddens me.  I truly want so much more for her.  My own preservation must take priority as her missing status moves into the 4th week.  At this point, I have no idea what her future holds.

 

DABDA

 

The 5 stages of grief.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

My 5 best friends of late, I am working desperately with my therapist to move toward acceptance so that I can be healthy and supportive for Kaitlyn when she finally stops raging at the world.  I am truly no stranger to grief; I've been here many times before.

 

Resources are valuable.  I've stated this repeatedly, because without accessing support services, a parent of a disturbed (missing, angry, defiant) child cannot cope effectively with the trauma or the consequences of the situation.  I have met several other parents of emotionally disturbed children recently.  Each story has some similarities but vast differences.  What I glean from our conversations is that survival is possible, even renewal of the parent / child relationship once the tide of destructiveness runs its course.

 

I miss my daughter.

 

I love her so deeply that I feel her pain and suffering all tied up with my own.

 

In desperation, I want to hold her, comfort her and protect her from herself.

 

 

Day 12 ~Truly Overcast and Rainy in Austin

At 4:30 this morning I woke up for some strange reason. The vacuum as running in the other room, this humming in the background. As I got up to check what was happening, I had a strange feeling of a precense in the room; and I thought of you, my daughter, my precious Kaitlyn. I miss you. I turned off the vacuum and tried to go back to bed, but all my thoughts kept going back to you. I wondered where you were praying that you were okay. I long for you desperately, longing only a mother would understand. It's been 12 days since you left, 12 days of no word, nothing, no confirmation of your safety; and I barely can function. I miss you so much and need you to know you are ok. I love you no matter what; I'll always love you. We all love you so much; there's not a moment of each day that my mind is not turned to you, soomething you said or had done, some cute expression or action, the way you are with Charlie. Watching Charlie miss you breaks my heart. Kaitlyn I just need you are ok. I want you to stop being so angry and come home. You are a bright spirit that has given me so much joy and happiness even in those arguing moments, in the the confusion and bad attitudes, watching you grow and see you become a young woman has been such a great pleasure. I know you love your family, and I know that you just on a journey right now that you just don't understand. I pray each day that God holds you and reassures you that you're not alone, that you are loved.

Day 4, Round 3

Kate............there are more words to say than I can possibly express, too much emotion.  This whole situation, all the words I can't say, all the emotion I cannot control is so cliched it borders on insanity.  My worry over you and your future continues each day to push me closer and closer to complete delirium.  All at one time, I need to scream out in complete anger and rage but also to plead for your safe return.  Today I cannot quiet those voices that taunt me, reminding me I failed you.  Despite all the positive support from those around me, I just cannot stop feeling like I did not do enough.

I guess most parents / loved ones in similar situations have thought exactly the same things.  I know there are many at this very moment feeling the same sense of helplessness, desperation, despair and panic.  As I begin the process of packing your things, I realize that for a long time, you have not been present in our relationship.  You've said it, not hiding the fact; and in complete desperation, I have tried to hold onto what I thought we had.  So, I am letting you go.

I pray with every ounce of love I have for you that you will not completely self-destruct and that someday you will permit me in your life again.  I have never wanted your pain, inconvenience, unhappiness, and all the things I've attempted to instill in you have been for your overall health and happiness.