7/25/14 Oh, Katie

Oh you,

Kaitlyn, you are the most obstinate and precocious person I know.  Only you could turn a discussion about help into an accusation that "mental health issues" is a government conspiracy.  I had to laugh at that.  What I don't think you were expecting me to do was agree with you.

You have used your "mental illness" as an excuse to do drugs.  It has been the banner of your rebellion, the excuse for all the times you neglected your responsibilities or hurt someone else.  It has been your battle cry for why you allow so much sadness and negativity to shape your character and to rob you of the wonderful future promised to you.

So, when make the statement that "mental health issues" is a government definition, a government conspiracy, I agree.  My next statement dissolves years of excuses and deflection.  When I tell you that by abandoning your potential you have proved the government right, you quickly shift to say that you can change it all anytime you want.

You're a crafty one, Katie Pickles.

I find it even more amusing that you have told me several times in the last couple of weeks that no one else can carry on an intelligent conversation with you, and in pleading with me to talk to you, you have to accept my boundaries............you cannot belittle or degrade me to make yourself superior.

I did not intend for this.

Your life is yours to make something out of.  At some point, you must accept the responsibility that any mess you have is of your own making.  I sure love you.

7/30/14 Stuck in the Middle

Kaitlyn is a middle child and as a middle child she feels stuck trying to find an identity.

She needs to be the center of attention, and something she's never been overly aggressive about - needing attention from people.  But I know that as a middle child, she needs something, one thing, anything - she needs to be the best at something.

Sadly, the thing that she is the best at it is this rebellion, the teenage angst, her drug use addiction, her anger.

I struggle with this because I knew all of this before this chaos even started. I knew it; I tried to prevent it. I tried to get her to be the best at something else, but all of my education and experience failed. I think this is one of the few times I have admitted to anyone that I feel like a failure.  Even as I edit this, I can hear Kaitlyn's voice chiding me, "This is not about you!"

I know other parents of difficult children have similar feelings:  I've talked with several and have read many blogs and articles. Most parents feel at a loss.

I have said it before that I was not naive enough to think I could do something better or that I had the answer.  I will say it again.  However, I am not sure why I feel so much disappointment, such a sense of failure.  Kaitlyn would tell you right now that she feels like a failure,  that she feels like no one will forgive her.

We need a success. Kaitlyn desperately needs a success, and I would give it to her if I could.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.

As I begin to understand the dynamics of incest and shaming in a family, I remember that Kaitlyn is a victim.  I remind myself of all the  negative emotions, the rage, the confusion that comes with this family dynamic.  Then, I compound all those emotions together with the  normal teenage hormones and confusion.  No wonder Kaitlyn is a mess.

Feelings of rejection, of disposal even, in this family dynamic are so intertwined with the ideal of family love and support.  The perpetrator then "throws away" the victim.  The rejection is compounded because of that sense of love.  It seems almost impossible to reconcile the feelings of victimization, rejection, loss, love and acceptance.  In an incest situation, the rejection comes from the abuse, not because of an unworthiness to be loved.  Yet, victims often struggle to understand this.  It is so innate to want love and acceptance.  What a really tragic cycle that a victim continues to seek love from the perpetrator.

I try to talk to her as much as I can about how normal her emotions are - the ping-pong effect of all the emotions blended together, each emotions fighting the other for her attention, contradicting each other, supporting each other.  What a sad and tragic situation.  The unfairness of it hits me solidly most days, and I am impotent to find a solution.  

Prom and a Parent's Grief

No one chooses this life...............it's not like we walked into a lifestyle store and made selections of mental illness, addiction and just for fun added a childhood trauma.  No one can chose the life they think they want.  It really doesn't work that way.

In addition, trying to compartmentalize a life with such rigidity will result in disappointment and heartbreak eventually.  This is the lesson I've learned in the last couple years as my daughter struggled with some difficult issues, primarily addiction.

All the beautiful prom / graduation pictures posted on Facebook upset and send me into full grief.  I long for the normalcy of such events with my precious Katie.  I put on my happy face and try to celebrate these joyous events with my friends and family, but inside I'm dying.  It's now fair to anyone, least of all Kaitlyn because I am projecting my hopes and dreams onto her life.  It's an unreal expectation.  I can't help it.  I want happy prom pictures, too.  Yesterday I bought some Grad 2014 items just in case Katie completes the last 2 weeks of her high school career.  It was difficult.

Kaitlyn did not go to Jr. Prom either.

We have spent the last 2 years in and out of courtrooms, counselor's offices and jail.  I love her.  No matter what has happened or will happen, I love her. I may have a bit of disappointment, but this does not distract from my love for her.  Someday when she is ready to forgive herself and we have an opportunity to restore our relationship, I hope she comprehends the depth of my love for her and understands that my disappointment and grief were ultimately for her and her own benefit.  She may not understand now what she has lost by making this detour in her life, but I do.

I tried to find some information about the type of loss / grief I currently feel by searching online.  Of course many articles exist about grief or about dealing with an addiction.  I even read a few articles about the loss of a loved one.  What I did not find was a mention of the effect of milestones missed such as prom or graduation.    It's like the same feeling a bitterly divorced person feels when someone close to them is in love or newly married............a sense of jealousy mixed with loss.  At times, it's almost impossible to separate the differing emotions.  Thankfully, I understand that the situation is complicated and can take the time to mediate on all the emotions that goes into my feelings.  I don't want to see those other happy pictures, but I know that I cannot be mean.

It's normal to feel a sense of sadness, jealousy even, at the missed milestones in your child's life due to a handicap or to emotional / behavioral issues.  As parents, we have certain dreams and expectations.  We do feel a sense of loss when those dreams / expectations are not met.  I think these feelings are more sharp when the reason for them being left unfulfilled is due to an acute situation.  Dealing with the addiction and its repercussions is exhausting enough without the added emotional toll of missed milestones.

Of course, I also have a great amount of fear that my beautiful daughter will not seek help in time and may end up scarred / damaged or possibly even dead.  That fear weighs on my mind daily.  Suffocating.  In the grief process, I am currently at "Bargaining", and I want to move to acceptance.  Our family is literally in the middle of the storm and can do little save wait for the end.

What I really want is for my daughter to go to rehab and to restore her future.  I want to rebuild a relationship with the non-addicted person.  Today, I would settle for a relationship with the addicted person, but she hides from me when she's using.  Honestly I know that we are not the only family dealing with this problem.  The main reason I continue to blog about this, continue to research and share is to provide our story as hope for others.  

Falling Apart, Finally

And just like that, a week and half of being fairly okay and trying to move to acceptance, and I almost fall apart.  Not understanding what triggered it and having a wave of emotions flood over me, all it took was an unexpected noise to send me into a panic.   It's completely horrifying.  The hardest part of this panic attack was knowing that this confused anxiety is Kaitlyn's daily reality.

Today marks the end of the seventh week that you've been gone, 49 days, almost 2 full months.  You missed Halloween nd my birthday.  Thanksgiving is now a week away, and I can't bear the thought of you not being here with your family who love you.

As much as I would love to make this all about me or about what you've done wrong, I also know that it takes a lot of pain and sadness to drive a person to extreme behavior.  I also know you are living  a private hell of your own that you did not create for you to be gone this long.

What I would say to you right now is thast everything will be alright, and I am not mad.  I love you and no matter what, I'm always on your side.  Even when I'm mad at you, I love you; just because I can't see you doesn't mean that I don't know, that I am not aware of you. I love and miss you very much.

You are wonderful, and you know deep inside how much you are loved.  Praying for you, hoping for you, these have kept me from completely falling apart.  No matter what I am feeling, I know that you are dealing with your own issues, ones that I cannot fix.

We all miss you.  Please come home soon.

Promising Potential

The hardest part of letting go of a child is also letting go of the dreams.....you know, the ones we have for her when she's small.  As I glance at pictures of my beautiful daughter, I remember all the promise that existed at the time each of those little snippets in time embedded into that picture.  It's funny how looking through old photos does that.

 

Even under perfect circumstances meaning that my daughter had not diverted into a life of self-destruction, the little girl I see in these photos no longer exists.  Even if she had not had her innocense shattered by a cruel and selfish act of someone she loved and trusted, this little girl has grown into a young woman.  It's torture, really, to look at these old photos.

 

At a time when we should be planning her Senior year, ordering her beautiful Senior pictures, getting ready for new journies in new directions, instead, my days are filled with visits to therapists, probation officers, juvenile court, truancy officers and waiting helplessly by the phone for any news about her safety.  Oh my, it is so unfair I could scream.

 

Over the last couple of years, I have been diligently scanning old snapshots.  Then, I spend lots of time with labeling, sorting and cross-referencing into folders for each of my daughters.  My hope is to give each girl a digital collection of family photos and keepsakes.  When my heart aches, I barely can focus on my  normal daily tasks much less look through hundreds of photos of my precious daughter.  The sad reality is that for years, I could not look at my own childhood photos without weeping. 

 

Child sexual abuse is a sad and often ignored piece of my family dynamic, just like it is in many families.  We talk about diabetes or cancer, the cousin with MS, the alcohol abuse and the chain smoking, but never do we venture into the reality of incest and sexual abuse.  All the potential excuses run franctically in my mind:

it's generational

we just didn't talk about things like that

it's not as bad as you think it is

lots of families have this same issue

he can't help it

the alcohol made him do it

what could I do?

get over it.

 

 

 

 

But when it comes to my own daughter, none of these excuses are good enough.  She deserves more than an excuse.  She deserves action.  Yet, she fights me every step of the way.  There are days when I think she would be better off if I had just let it alone.