What's Wrong with Us?

(original draft date - April 2015)

For a long time, I felt like something was wrong with me and my daughters when it came to relationships with the bad people.

I always felt under scrutiny, never good enough - striving always to be better to gain their favor, to gain their acceptance or to gain their approval.

That scrutiny manifested in my relationships with my daughters.  Most importantly, the scrutiny of even the tiniest of flaws in myself and my severe disapproval of myself has a lasting impact on my relationships with my daughters. 

Those mistakes I must suffer with, live with and try to make amends for during my remaining lifetime; I hope my daughters will forgive me someday.  I hope they can move forward and understand that I didn't know what the bigger picture was just like they didn't know what the bigger picture was.

There are moments when I feel alone,  isolated and even angry because I feel like something is now missing in my life; it's a healthy thing to let go of unhealthy people and it's a healthy thing to face regrets and sadness and  to make amends for those regrets and sadness.

This post started because I feel without purpose; I feel that everything I once believed drifted away and in silence and isolation; I stand unable to move.

Kaitlyn is such a beautiful young woman; she is smart and funny and so insightful.  She has her mother who loves her more and more and more each and every day. I want so much more for her.

I want so much more for all of us. I want healthy adult relationships so that my daughters and I can spend time together; I miss them,

------------------------------------------

It has become the norm for me to dictate my thoughts into my mobile app on my phone and then edit later.  My mind is such a blur of things - emotions, thoughts, memories, hopes/desires, chore lists, voices (my own and others) - and a constant almost desperate search for some purpose in my life.  Kaitlyn will go under the radar for about 2 weeks before she resurfaces and wants something.  I always recognize that what she's really needing is contact, no matter how trivial it may seem to me or to her other family.  Mental illness takes a toll on family members.  It's so random and unpredictable.  Most people suffering from mental illness have an obvious problem - drug or alcohol abuse - that others will point to, judge, mock and not forgive.  I run interference so often, that I do it automatically.  It's exhausting.

Kaitlyn called a couple days ago almost in tears asking to come home for a while.  She always cites something - illness, exhaustion, hunger, etc...............this time, she is battling with some poison ivy and allergies.  She cannot truly rest where she is living, so she wants to come here to have her mom take care of her.  The stress her presence has on my life is unmentionable.  She can be sweet and accommodating one minute and hostile the next.  She has tantrums like a 5 year old but has the intellectual sharpness of a young woman with an excellent education.  It's a roller coaster.  To survive her, you must be on task and prepared...........forgiving and made of steel.

I just started this book "All My Puny Sorrows" by Miriam Toews.  The main character is the younger sister to a woman with mental illness and suicidal tendencies.  Reading it breaks my heart as I must consider the deeper emotions of my youngest daughter toward her older sister, Kaitlyn.  There are times when I want to get into the minds of my daughters and see how they truly see their lives.

Here We go Again (03/07/21015)

Here we go again, down the same road we've been on.  The song echoes in my subconscious, screaming for attention as much as my children scream for my attention.

Recently, I caledl to ask about Kaitlyn's her welfare,  to ask if she needs anything.  I periodically check in with her.  She tells me she is good and that she doesn't need anything.  This is all said somewhat dismissively, possibly under the influence, so I attempt to disconnect by telling her I am in traffic and need to focus.  I am not sure why I told her I was heading to take her sister to a doctor's appointment, but I did.

Kaitlyn then says, "You spoil her too much".

Seriously? What was that?  My shock at the comment blindsides me for an instant, and I cling desperately at the mommy side of me - you know that side, the one with compassion, support and understanding.  Kaitlyn is difficult even at her best, and I must prepare myself each time I contact her because I can never anticipate her emotional state.

I gently remind Kaitlyn that the purpose of my phone call to her was to check on her welfare, to ask in regard to her needs, to check if she needed anything.  I am still in shock about the comment.  I ask her if something is happening in regard to her comment.

Kaitlyn tells me then that I spend too much time talking and that listening to me talk gives her a headache.  She rudely tells me that now she has a headache whereas she did not have a headache before.  Again, she says, "You talk too much".

Having a hard time staying connected to my mommy side, remaining calm while driving and controlling my urge to scream obscenities, all I hear is a voice urging me to tell Kaitlyn to screw herself. This is the same voice that wants to rudely tell her that I am not bound to do anything for her.  I do not need to remind Kaitlyn that she is where because of the decisions she made.  Maybe her intention was not to deflect from her possible "intoxication"; but i felt that it was.

I completely resent being the bad guy; I am not the bad guy.

I wish I knew why it bugs me so much or why I continue to try so hard to reach her.  Honestly, I do want to tell her to "bugger off" and just figure it all out on her own.  In many ways, she is figuring it out on her own, under her own conditions and definitions.  Her crappy comments will not deter my concerns or lessen my prayers.  Luckily, Kaitlyn doesn't have a detached parent.

---------------------------------------------Post Note-------------------------------

As I edit this piece from March, I laugh to myself.  Come forward 4 months, and Kaitlyn is doing better than she was.  We continue to talk often, and even when I am so worried and frustrated I feel I need to abandon her, I won't.  From where she started, she has made so much progress; I am proud of that.

Shattered

I am watching "Cold Case:  Shattered".  Lily was knocked unconscious by a door in a crappy hotel, and her gun stolen.  When she came to, she was staring at a photo of herself and her sister as little girls which prompted a flashback to a time at the beach.  Lily was always trying to save her mother and sister in the show, carrying the baggage of her tortured childhood with her.

Another image I have in my min>d is of a movie "Bring Ashley Home".  When I first watched this movie in 2011, Kaitlyn's life had not spiraled out of control yet.  Last year, it was on cable again, but I couldn't even bring myself to think about watching it because of its all too real similarity to Kaitlyn's story.  This video is a clip of scenes from the movie combined with a beautiful Casting Crowns song.  Not a second goes by that I do not wonder myself, "Does Anybody Hear Her"?

*** The original video I had was removed by youtube, so I uploaded this one.  When I searched on youtube, I found this one, and it had such a powerful message that I chose it over many others.  If you watch this on youtube, you will see so many comments from people who feel lost, abandoned, hurt, unwanted.  


Both Lily and Libba are sisters.  I don't know if Melanie or Whitney will ever feel strongly enough about Kaitlyn's salvation to risk so much to help her, but I know that I do.  I think about all the hours spent in complete enraptured prayer literally screaming and begging God to save Kaitlyn.  I think also about all the hours of driving around looking for Kaitlyn, making phone calls, tracking down leads.  I think about all the hugs, love, kindness and insults endured as I've tried desperately to hold onto a tiny, fragile thread of connection to my beautiful daughter.  It's almost impossible to separate her mental illness / addiction from the person she is (was, could be).  Each day just has to be about that day.  Each second has to be about that second.  Most people cannot handle this.  I am not sure some days that I am handling it at all.

February 2006

What Happened?        © Angelita Alvarez

What happened is what I ask myself everyday.

What was she thinking knowing she'd be putting her life to waste.
This is my sister and I love her with all my heart,
But doing drugs has only kept us far apart.
I never thought she would end up this way,
It hurts me knowing I can't help her, so all I do is pray,
I pray for her to open her eyes before it's too late.
Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby,
I guess she doesn't care if her kids end up without a mommy.
Why can't she be the way she was before?
Now that was my sister, the one that always loved me more.
She was my best friend, we were always together,
Nothing ever kept us apart because we promised we'd be sisters forever.
I guess forever finally came to an end.
She don't love me anymore now, Heroin became her new friend.
I cry every time something reminds me of my sister,
I feel anger and pain inside knowing I can't help her.
But I won't lose faith,
Every night I will pray,
Cause I know someday God will show her the way.
So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best,
I pray it's never my sister who will someday be laid to rest!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really don't have too much to say about this, but I did want to make a note about the feelings watching this episode of "Cold Case" stirred in me.  Kaitlyn's situation is not promising as of today.  All I can do is pray and continue to have faith in her.

Prayers for Kaitlyn

The power of faith, of prayer…………… This topic is one so personal and messy for me.  I have a strong love/hate relationship with my faith.  I always have.  It’s my classic passive / aggressive reaction to a strongly emotional topic.

Faith is like that.  It is emotion.  It is inextricably tied to everything without a tangible link or presence of its own. 

When I hear stories about the miracles played out in the lives of others, I want to rage at the unfairness of it and delight in the magic of it all at one time.  Today, I am pleading for a miracle for Kaitlyn.  She needs one.  I would sacrifice my future, my life even, to grant her a miracle of recovery.

In the last year, I cannot discern what part of her struggle is from her mental illness and which part is from her drug addiction.  They are inextricably linked.  I just want to put my arms around her and make it all go away.

Sadly, there is no happy pill, no instant fix, no cure that comes easily.  Recovery and healing will take a lot of hard work…………..and it’s the type of work that even mature adults struggle with.  I cannot imagine being 18 and having no perspective of tomorrow.  Kaitlyn cannot deal with future.  All she can do is react to the immediate need.

I have always been the exact opposite.  I cannot deal with immediacy without having some sense of a future outcome better than where I am.  I need a roadmap, a plan.  Ok, I’ll say it, I need a happily ever after.

I want Kaitlyn to go to rehab.  As I listen to success stories on KLove, I want to physically drag her to Teen Challenge.  I want recovery.  I want to call into the show and tell them my 10 seconds of good that is Kaitlyn's recovery and healing.  I desperately love my daughter.  

Grieving

Today is hard..................my daughter has been gone now for 4 weeks.  She left when I made the ultimatum about rehab, and in all the days since she's left, I often find that I blame myself.  It's a natural part of the grieving process, but it still hurts.  I want my daughter.  I want the daughter that I used to know.  It hurts so much not knowing.  This is the second disappearance in a year.

This path she is on ends only in three ways:  recovery, death, jail.  As the loved one, I spend so much time internally bargaining with my own ideal / principals.  What I want is a full recovery.  I would settle for jail at this point because the thought of death is too much for me.

A part of me is missing, and it hurts most days to even take a breath.

Can I tell you how amazing and beautiful my daughter really is??

When she was a little girl, she was so serious.  She would contemplate long and hard about many things.  She was not without happiness or joy, but she often contemplated those with a seriousness that I had not seen in her sisters.  She was also very determined.  She wanted her way.  I remember that I would listen to her discussion and then steel myself when I told her she could not have her way because she was so often tenacious.  She has not changed very much.

She loved playing in the band.  She had decided to play the oboe when she was only 10.  For whatever reason, she wanted it, and as her mom, I was supportive.  In 6th grade band, she had to fight for the right to play the oboe in the school band.  The band teacher attempted to talk her out of it, but Kaitlyn stood her ground and was able to play the oboe.  The reeds for the instrument were not cheap, and often I had to order them because the music stores in Austin did not always carry the reeds.  I remember that throughout middle school, staying on top of reed orders was a priority for me as her mom.  When Kaitlyn switched to the euphonium, I was concerned that she had been talked out of playing the oboe.  She had simply decided to play another difficult instrument that few others played.  Kaitlyn wanted to do things that others didn't.  She was looking to find her own niche, her own voice.

RRISD rezoned our neighborhood going into her high school career, and she was inadvertently left off mailing lists for band going into the 9th grade.  The band director at her school kicked her out of band, and I spent several days negotiating with the school to keep her in band.  She quit instead.  It is a decision I did not support and one she later regretted.  It was the last disappointment she could handle.............she had suffered so many.  Her parents' divorce, a long term abuse, an assault at her new school in the 6th grade, moving to Austin.............one disappointment after another.  It was too much for her.

I bear responsibility for some of these situations.  I also bear responsibility for not acting quickly enough with therapeutic  intervention.  These failures on my part will haunt me until amends can be made and I can re-establish a relationship with my daughter.  As suffocating as the guilt is, I know that Kaitlyn has an even heavier load to carry, and I beg God daily to give me her pain and suffering to bear.  I would give my life today to give her a future without the burdens she carries.

Kaitlyn has a deep, twisted sense of humor.  She watches the most sardonic cartoons and laughs at the smallest things that most others would overlook.  She can reference movies / music / tv shows and understand deeply intense metaphors.  Part of her unique personality comes from this ability to remember everything, but it also contributes to her suffering.  Simple distractions do not placate her.  This is one of the reasons that standard addiction recovery frustrates her.  She needs intensity to feel progress is being made.

Now that she is 18, she is considered an adult, and I have had a difficult time getting the "professionals" to speak with me.  I understand HIPAA rules, but I feel some of the impatience she feels.  I cannot imagine her frustration, but watching her struggle, I want to help her.

Kaitlyn was very close with her father in the first 6 years of her life.  You could even say that she was his favorite child.  Almost everyone saw it.  I would do the best I could to intervene, to have time with Kaitlyn and to force interactions between their father and our other children.  Her father often carried Kaitlyn around and did everything for her, even though she could manage herself.  The divorce changed that relationship dynamic.  I saw it.

To help Kaitlyn transition, I did put her into counseling.  I tried everything I could think of to ease the pain of separation.  I seriously tried to maintain a healthy balance for my children.  Their father dropped out of sight, a reaction to the divorce that has persisted 12 years later.  I have tried; I won't even justify my actions.  My disappointment in my ex-husband and in his family knows no bounds.  My anger at them resurfaces often.  I learned quite painfully early on that I was alone in the process of raising my daughters.  Aside from the disappointment and anger I feel toward the ex-family, there was always a little girl, abandoned, left alone with the parent she was not close to.  Over time, I felt she had matured and had even grown fond of me, but that was  lie I told myself.

Kaitlyn told me recently that she feels guilt for never wanting to live with her mom.  She says that she has longed for her father all this time, and that being with her mom has only made her miss her father even more.  It was a confession I suspected and dreaded.  I knew how she felt about me.  I wanted more, but I had to face the reality of it.  A sweet, beautiful and amazingly talented young girl was separated from the parent she loved so much and forced to live with the parent she had no attachment to.  As much as I would want to, I cannot change the reality of this relationship situation.

As parents, we don't always get to keep those we bear.

I don't blame Kaitlyn.  I forgive her, too.  I want only the best for her.

Writing helps me.  It allows me to work through my emotions.  After I complete an entry, I will read back over it and find the deeper meaning behind my words.  I don't always have time to write when I become overwhelmed with emotions, but I make diligent efforts.  As we try to heal, I still must deal with my feelings for my beautiful daughter and also deal with sense of loss.

God, I pray for complete recovery.  Please allow Kaitlyn to see her true beauty before she destroys it or herself.  Please allow Kaitlyn to forgive those who she feels have hurt her.  Please allow her to forgive herself.  She is amazing.  She is wonderful, creative and compassionate.  God, I will sacrifice my own happiness, my own future to grant her one.  I pray on bended knee with profound sadness for her struggle.

Prom and a Parent's Grief

No one chooses this life...............it's not like we walked into a lifestyle store and made selections of mental illness, addiction and just for fun added a childhood trauma.  No one can chose the life they think they want.  It really doesn't work that way.

In addition, trying to compartmentalize a life with such rigidity will result in disappointment and heartbreak eventually.  This is the lesson I've learned in the last couple years as my daughter struggled with some difficult issues, primarily addiction.

All the beautiful prom / graduation pictures posted on Facebook upset and send me into full grief.  I long for the normalcy of such events with my precious Katie.  I put on my happy face and try to celebrate these joyous events with my friends and family, but inside I'm dying.  It's now fair to anyone, least of all Kaitlyn because I am projecting my hopes and dreams onto her life.  It's an unreal expectation.  I can't help it.  I want happy prom pictures, too.  Yesterday I bought some Grad 2014 items just in case Katie completes the last 2 weeks of her high school career.  It was difficult.

Kaitlyn did not go to Jr. Prom either.

We have spent the last 2 years in and out of courtrooms, counselor's offices and jail.  I love her.  No matter what has happened or will happen, I love her. I may have a bit of disappointment, but this does not distract from my love for her.  Someday when she is ready to forgive herself and we have an opportunity to restore our relationship, I hope she comprehends the depth of my love for her and understands that my disappointment and grief were ultimately for her and her own benefit.  She may not understand now what she has lost by making this detour in her life, but I do.

I tried to find some information about the type of loss / grief I currently feel by searching online.  Of course many articles exist about grief or about dealing with an addiction.  I even read a few articles about the loss of a loved one.  What I did not find was a mention of the effect of milestones missed such as prom or graduation.    It's like the same feeling a bitterly divorced person feels when someone close to them is in love or newly married............a sense of jealousy mixed with loss.  At times, it's almost impossible to separate the differing emotions.  Thankfully, I understand that the situation is complicated and can take the time to mediate on all the emotions that goes into my feelings.  I don't want to see those other happy pictures, but I know that I cannot be mean.

It's normal to feel a sense of sadness, jealousy even, at the missed milestones in your child's life due to a handicap or to emotional / behavioral issues.  As parents, we have certain dreams and expectations.  We do feel a sense of loss when those dreams / expectations are not met.  I think these feelings are more sharp when the reason for them being left unfulfilled is due to an acute situation.  Dealing with the addiction and its repercussions is exhausting enough without the added emotional toll of missed milestones.

Of course, I also have a great amount of fear that my beautiful daughter will not seek help in time and may end up scarred / damaged or possibly even dead.  That fear weighs on my mind daily.  Suffocating.  In the grief process, I am currently at "Bargaining", and I want to move to acceptance.  Our family is literally in the middle of the storm and can do little save wait for the end.

What I really want is for my daughter to go to rehab and to restore her future.  I want to rebuild a relationship with the non-addicted person.  Today, I would settle for a relationship with the addicted person, but she hides from me when she's using.  Honestly I know that we are not the only family dealing with this problem.  The main reason I continue to blog about this, continue to research and share is to provide our story as hope for others.  

Purposes of Blogging

This blog started off as a way to work through my sadness, sorrow, grief and fear when my daughter went missing for 50 days.  The reasons behind her running away, for disappearing for a while, have everything to do with an addiction, a childhood sexual assault and an inability to cope with the reality of what her life has become.  She is not the only victim of trauma, of disappointment.

Her older sister was also a victim of that assault and also has issues with drug abuse and codependency.

What I really want to say to my daughters right now is that it would be easier for me to let go completely, to give up and not try to help you get better - that would be the easiest thing to do.

I didn't choose the easy route when I became your mom; I did not choose the easy route when I decided to make decisions to improve our future. I did not choose the easy route when I decided to jump into the shark infested waters with you. I will not abandon you; I am here for you no matter what, and I will not choose the easy path.  

Even as you try to take the easy road I will not.  Sometimes in the future when you look back on all this, I hope you remember that every decision I make, every word I choose to speak to you, I do so through God's amazing grace - every part of my relationship with you has been blessed and approved by God. when I chose to be your mom, I chose to follow obediently to God's plan.  I chose to believe in the power higher than what existed in the world, and I chose to follow him because He gave me the ultimate gift of becoming a mother.

So even when you're mad at me,  I know you love me; and even when the days seem hard,  know you forgive me my inability to let you go.   know you love me even when you can't say it.

Promising Potential

The hardest part of letting go of a child is also letting go of the dreams.....you know, the ones we have for her when she's small.  As I glance at pictures of my beautiful daughter, I remember all the promise that existed at the time each of those little snippets in time embedded into that picture.  It's funny how looking through old photos does that.

 

Even under perfect circumstances meaning that my daughter had not diverted into a life of self-destruction, the little girl I see in these photos no longer exists.  Even if she had not had her innocense shattered by a cruel and selfish act of someone she loved and trusted, this little girl has grown into a young woman.  It's torture, really, to look at these old photos.

 

At a time when we should be planning her Senior year, ordering her beautiful Senior pictures, getting ready for new journies in new directions, instead, my days are filled with visits to therapists, probation officers, juvenile court, truancy officers and waiting helplessly by the phone for any news about her safety.  Oh my, it is so unfair I could scream.

 

Over the last couple of years, I have been diligently scanning old snapshots.  Then, I spend lots of time with labeling, sorting and cross-referencing into folders for each of my daughters.  My hope is to give each girl a digital collection of family photos and keepsakes.  When my heart aches, I barely can focus on my  normal daily tasks much less look through hundreds of photos of my precious daughter.  The sad reality is that for years, I could not look at my own childhood photos without weeping. 

 

Child sexual abuse is a sad and often ignored piece of my family dynamic, just like it is in many families.  We talk about diabetes or cancer, the cousin with MS, the alcohol abuse and the chain smoking, but never do we venture into the reality of incest and sexual abuse.  All the potential excuses run franctically in my mind:

it's generational

we just didn't talk about things like that

it's not as bad as you think it is

lots of families have this same issue

he can't help it

the alcohol made him do it

what could I do?

get over it.

 

 

 

 

But when it comes to my own daughter, none of these excuses are good enough.  She deserves more than an excuse.  She deserves action.  Yet, she fights me every step of the way.  There are days when I think she would be better off if I had just let it alone.

I've Been There

I seriously have been there..............am still there.  If you are reading this, then you love someone battling with addiction, with oppositional defiance, with PTSD, with drugs, with destructive behaviors.........the list goes on and on.  As an educator, advocate, survivor, mother - I have fervently and with great enthusiasm sought help to somehow save my daughter.  Those around me can say she's 17, she's an adult, she's making a choice.........they can say that, but those words do not soothe a battered and shattering heart.  Those words do not comfort the desperation in not knowing where my daughter is.  Those words do not dry my tears, hold my hand, or give me focus enough to remember to pay my rent before it's late.

No.........those words do little to actually help me.  Even though the words are true, logical, a mother's love is emotional, hormonal, primal.  Fighting within myself between logic and emotion, I barely can move.  So when I say I've been there...........I am there, believe me, I am.

Being a woman of action.............I began researching.  I am still researching.  I must do something.  Last night as I couldn't sleep, I finally created a www.pinterest.com board.

I have so much more I need to say, to post, to question.

But for today, just today...........I must put one foot in front of the other.  Step 1.............just say "Jesus".
Put faith in Jesus; go out on faith and let go.  Say, "Jesus".

Take a few moments to listen to 7eventh Time Down.  Listen............and let this first step be just about asking Jesus to walk with you.