End of Week 1

Today concludes week 1 of my daughter's absence, and I cannot wrap my mind around the ordeal.  Numbed, confused, worried...............I am truly at a loss.

Luckily, my focus has improved, but only because I have began making strict lists to focus myself.  I am sleeping a little better, but not too much.  Whit is finally vocalizing her own emotions, her nightmares, and as she and I begin to accept the current reality, I wonder what might happen when Kaitlyn returns to the scene.  I know she will not be gone forever; at least, I hope not least.

Kaitlyn has always been so special..........so unique.  She has a strong intellect and perspective.  These have always been intriguing to me, so I guess she will always hold a very special place in my heart.  I guess that's without saying, considering she's my daughter.

I miss her so much.................not the person she has been in the last few months, but the broody and wonderful young woman she was a year ago before her self-destructive behaviors plunged us into this dark and unforgiving world.  I long for her.

Day 4, Round 3

Kate............there are more words to say than I can possibly express, too much emotion.  This whole situation, all the words I can't say, all the emotion I cannot control is so cliched it borders on insanity.  My worry over you and your future continues each day to push me closer and closer to complete delirium.  All at one time, I need to scream out in complete anger and rage but also to plead for your safe return.  Today I cannot quiet those voices that taunt me, reminding me I failed you.  Despite all the positive support from those around me, I just cannot stop feeling like I did not do enough.

I guess most parents / loved ones in similar situations have thought exactly the same things.  I know there are many at this very moment feeling the same sense of helplessness, desperation, despair and panic.  As I begin the process of packing your things, I realize that for a long time, you have not been present in our relationship.  You've said it, not hiding the fact; and in complete desperation, I have tried to hold onto what I thought we had.  So, I am letting you go.

I pray with every ounce of love I have for you that you will not completely self-destruct and that someday you will permit me in your life again.  I have never wanted your pain, inconvenience, unhappiness, and all the things I've attempted to instill in you have been for your overall health and happiness.