Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States. I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place. As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind. Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again. Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me. For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger.
To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions toward me, similar to what you do right now. Some of these emotions are: anger, resentment, rejection, confusion, hatred, disappointment. I truly wish I could include other emotions like joy and contentment on this list, but those are not emotions you have toward me or toward the life I've built for you. I am not singling out anyone specific when I say "my daughters"; although Whitney has not developed many of these emotions yet, she often is angry and disappointed. She tends to be more forgiving at her age (I hope this continues).
It is a natural part of adolescence to harbor resentment and anger toward parents. Parents are the ones pushing hard and expecting so much. In our immediate family, I am the only parent, so I am often tired and more demanding. One of my saddest regrets is that I have always had to be the stricter parent because Jack would not establish clear boundaries. I hope my daughters know that what I wanted was to be the sweet and loving mother, the one who got to doctor the boo boos and listen to hurts. I know that as I tried to balance out our lives to include the softer side of me, it did so little to console all the bruised feelings.
As I reflect backward onto my own life, I realize more and more that I was the parent I was simply because it was whom I was. With my own scars and disappointments, not to mention my intellect, I parented the only way I could. This revelation made me look at my own parents with new eyes and understand that they, too, did the best they could. Love of a parent is complicated that way.
So, as you look backward someday, forgive yourself your negative emotions. Allow them to be replaced slowly with positive emotions. I forgive each of you.
I have held so much love and joy in my heart for each of you, my daughters. You three are the only reason I have breath in my lungs. The hope that someday each of you will look at me with respect and want a relationship with me is all that sustains me. Please take time to remember all the silly and fun things we used to do, even though maybe all you remember right now are bruised feelings and anger..............things such as picnic hikes to the Greenbelt and carving pumpkins on Halloween. Remember splashing around at the pool or having carpet picnics. My deep and sincere prayer is that you allow the sweet memories to invade and destroy all the walls you have tried to build up. "Just because you hide your eyes does not mean I can't see you."
