Shattered

I am watching "Cold Case:  Shattered".  Lily was knocked unconscious by a door in a crappy hotel, and her gun stolen.  When she came to, she was staring at a photo of herself and her sister as little girls which prompted a flashback to a time at the beach.  Lily was always trying to save her mother and sister in the show, carrying the baggage of her tortured childhood with her.

Another image I have in my min>d is of a movie "Bring Ashley Home".  When I first watched this movie in 2011, Kaitlyn's life had not spiraled out of control yet.  Last year, it was on cable again, but I couldn't even bring myself to think about watching it because of its all too real similarity to Kaitlyn's story.  This video is a clip of scenes from the movie combined with a beautiful Casting Crowns song.  Not a second goes by that I do not wonder myself, "Does Anybody Hear Her"?

*** The original video I had was removed by youtube, so I uploaded this one.  When I searched on youtube, I found this one, and it had such a powerful message that I chose it over many others.  If you watch this on youtube, you will see so many comments from people who feel lost, abandoned, hurt, unwanted.  


Both Lily and Libba are sisters.  I don't know if Melanie or Whitney will ever feel strongly enough about Kaitlyn's salvation to risk so much to help her, but I know that I do.  I think about all the hours spent in complete enraptured prayer literally screaming and begging God to save Kaitlyn.  I think also about all the hours of driving around looking for Kaitlyn, making phone calls, tracking down leads.  I think about all the hugs, love, kindness and insults endured as I've tried desperately to hold onto a tiny, fragile thread of connection to my beautiful daughter.  It's almost impossible to separate her mental illness / addiction from the person she is (was, could be).  Each day just has to be about that day.  Each second has to be about that second.  Most people cannot handle this.  I am not sure some days that I am handling it at all.

February 2006

What Happened?        © Angelita Alvarez

What happened is what I ask myself everyday.

What was she thinking knowing she'd be putting her life to waste.
This is my sister and I love her with all my heart,
But doing drugs has only kept us far apart.
I never thought she would end up this way,
It hurts me knowing I can't help her, so all I do is pray,
I pray for her to open her eyes before it's too late.
Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby,
I guess she doesn't care if her kids end up without a mommy.
Why can't she be the way she was before?
Now that was my sister, the one that always loved me more.
She was my best friend, we were always together,
Nothing ever kept us apart because we promised we'd be sisters forever.
I guess forever finally came to an end.
She don't love me anymore now, Heroin became her new friend.
I cry every time something reminds me of my sister,
I feel anger and pain inside knowing I can't help her.
But I won't lose faith,
Every night I will pray,
Cause I know someday God will show her the way.
So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best,
I pray it's never my sister who will someday be laid to rest!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really don't have too much to say about this, but I did want to make a note about the feelings watching this episode of "Cold Case" stirred in me.  Kaitlyn's situation is not promising as of today.  All I can do is pray and continue to have faith in her.

One Day ~ Forgiveness

One day in the future, and I hope it is not too long from now, you will look back on your life and see in reality what your life, your actions, and your thoughts truly are.  Right now, you are absorbed in your pain and immaturity.  It is difficult for you to look anywhere but right in front of you.

But one day......................

One day in the future, you will reflect on your life and on the people that love you.  With maturity and wisdom, you will see beyond the physical realm and instead see into the spirit of others.  Right now, you can only see black or white, good or bad.  You haven't developed the ability to see grey and to understand that love transcends all things.

But one day........................

One day in the future, you will reach out to connect with people who have loved you and prayed for you.  You will seek out their confidence and companionship.  These people who love you so much will have great value to you, and you will want to be a part of their lives.  Right now, you hide from these loved ones, shoving them farther and farther away.  You don't want others to see your pain and embarrassment

But one day.....................

One day in the future, you will see your true worth and value through the eyes of a soul forgiven.  You will understand that your worth comes from your existence and that God forgave you all your sins before those sins were committed.  You will further understand that in the same way, those who love you forgave you for all your transgressions even before those transgressions were made.  "Even when I'm mad at you, I love you."  Right now, you believe forgiveness happens only to others, and you feel that you do not deserve such forgiveness.  It is easier for you to continue to rage against the love and protection offered to you.

But one day...........................

One day, your grandparents and I will no longer exist; we will be mere whispers of ourselves existing in the cherished memories that others carry.  We will be found only in quieted contemplation, old photos and in saved writings.  These quieted contemplations, old photos and saved writings are being created right now with those individuals who are a part of our daily lives.  As you remain disconnected from us, you remain disconnected from those mere whispers that are just beginning to form.  One day in the future, when you reach backward to reflect on the love and grace poured out to you, your grandparents and I will not be available to you.  We will be disconnected from your mature reflections just as you are disconnected from our mere whisper creations.

My deepest sadness comes from the fear that when you are ready, others will have disappeared, either through death or disappointed, and will be unavailable to you.  I pour out words I hope will comfort and soothe you when you finally reach backward to reconnect to the love and companionship offered to you now.  I hope that you see how much I love and miss you.  Not a day goes by that I don't beg God to bless you with a future often offering all my future as a humble sacrifice for yours.

Let it Go

For Kaitlyn today.................I hope you hear the love I have for you as I send this very special prayer. Please, today, fight!! Fight!! Let it go and come home.

Day 12 ~Truly Overcast and Rainy in Austin

At 4:30 this morning I woke up for some strange reason. The vacuum as running in the other room, this humming in the background. As I got up to check what was happening, I had a strange feeling of a precense in the room; and I thought of you, my daughter, my precious Kaitlyn. I miss you. I turned off the vacuum and tried to go back to bed, but all my thoughts kept going back to you. I wondered where you were praying that you were okay. I long for you desperately, longing only a mother would understand. It's been 12 days since you left, 12 days of no word, nothing, no confirmation of your safety; and I barely can function. I miss you so much and need you to know you are ok. I love you no matter what; I'll always love you. We all love you so much; there's not a moment of each day that my mind is not turned to you, soomething you said or had done, some cute expression or action, the way you are with Charlie. Watching Charlie miss you breaks my heart. Kaitlyn I just need you are ok. I want you to stop being so angry and come home. You are a bright spirit that has given me so much joy and happiness even in those arguing moments, in the the confusion and bad attitudes, watching you grow and see you become a young woman has been such a great pleasure. I know you love your family, and I know that you just on a journey right now that you just don't understand. I pray each day that God holds you and reassures you that you're not alone, that you are loved.

Day 4, Round 3

Kate............there are more words to say than I can possibly express, too much emotion.  This whole situation, all the words I can't say, all the emotion I cannot control is so cliched it borders on insanity.  My worry over you and your future continues each day to push me closer and closer to complete delirium.  All at one time, I need to scream out in complete anger and rage but also to plead for your safe return.  Today I cannot quiet those voices that taunt me, reminding me I failed you.  Despite all the positive support from those around me, I just cannot stop feeling like I did not do enough.

I guess most parents / loved ones in similar situations have thought exactly the same things.  I know there are many at this very moment feeling the same sense of helplessness, desperation, despair and panic.  As I begin the process of packing your things, I realize that for a long time, you have not been present in our relationship.  You've said it, not hiding the fact; and in complete desperation, I have tried to hold onto what I thought we had.  So, I am letting you go.

I pray with every ounce of love I have for you that you will not completely self-destruct and that someday you will permit me in your life again.  I have never wanted your pain, inconvenience, unhappiness, and all the things I've attempted to instill in you have been for your overall health and happiness.