One of the most damaging and pervasive side effects of incest and shaming is the lack of family celebrations. Turning 18 should be the top of celebrations, and Kaitlyn turned 18 this year. Struggling to have a sense of normalcy, she wanted the big 18th birthday party. It didn't happen.
When you have decreased the number of family members in your intermediate circle because of incest and shaming, you can't have those big family celebrations you used to have, or wants to have. She would tell you herself there is no way she wanted to invite the family, but then in the same short conversation she would lament the loss of having all those family members. The fact that her dad's family has completely abandoned my daughters does not help. There truly is no support system from the family on either side.
I put some effort into getting Kaitlyn all kinds of things to remember her 18th birthday - a cute tiara, a pin, some balloons, to name a few. I did invite a few close friends and neighbors, and of course I invited the family that is not involved in this abuse. Those not involved in the abuse could've came if they chose to, but they chose not to - that's how weird this shaming situation is in families. Talk about the giant polka-dot elephant in the room. Kaitlyn deserves so much more. My heart breaks for her.
Her 16th birthday was the one I really wanted to celebrate and blow out of the water, It was before all this information came out, and the 16th birthday was completely ignored by the family. It doesn't make a difference that we've decided to pull away from them because if they can't be in control they choose not to participate. It is too much for a grown, well educated and mature woman to handle. I can only imagine the pressure of a vulnerable teenager.
I hold onto the keepsakes, the pictures and try to journal hoping she'll remember it; hopefully one day she'll know that she was loved and know who the people are that really do care about her.
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