In addition, trying to compartmentalize a life with such rigidity will result in disappointment and heartbreak eventually. This is the lesson I've learned in the last couple years as my daughter struggled with some difficult issues, primarily addiction.
All the beautiful prom / graduation pictures posted on Facebook upset and send me into full grief. I long for the normalcy of such events with my precious Katie. I put on my happy face and try to celebrate these joyous events with my friends and family, but inside I'm dying. It's now fair to anyone, least of all Kaitlyn because I am projecting my hopes and dreams onto her life. It's an unreal expectation. I can't help it. I want happy prom pictures, too. Yesterday I bought some Grad 2014 items just in case Katie completes the last 2 weeks of her high school career. It was difficult.
Kaitlyn did not go to Jr. Prom either.
We have spent the last 2 years in and out of courtrooms, counselor's offices and jail. I love her. No matter what has happened or will happen, I love her. I may have a bit of disappointment, but this does not distract from my love for her. Someday when she is ready to forgive herself and we have an opportunity to restore our relationship, I hope she comprehends the depth of my love for her and understands that my disappointment and grief were ultimately for her and her own benefit. She may not understand now what she has lost by making this detour in her life, but I do.
I tried to find some information about the type of loss / grief I currently feel by searching online. Of course many articles exist about grief or about dealing with an addiction. I even read a few articles about the loss of a loved one. What I did not find was a mention of the effect of milestones missed such as prom or graduation. It's like the same feeling a bitterly divorced person feels when someone close to them is in love or newly married............a sense of jealousy mixed with loss. At times, it's almost impossible to separate the differing emotions. Thankfully, I understand that the situation is complicated and can take the time to mediate on all the emotions that goes into my feelings. I don't want to see those other happy pictures, but I know that I cannot be mean.
It's normal to feel a sense of sadness, jealousy even, at the missed milestones in your child's life due to a handicap or to emotional / behavioral issues. As parents, we have certain dreams and expectations. We do feel a sense of loss when those dreams / expectations are not met. I think these feelings are more sharp when the reason for them being left unfulfilled is due to an acute situation. Dealing with the addiction and its repercussions is exhausting enough without the added emotional toll of missed milestones.
Of course, I also have a great amount of fear that my beautiful daughter will not seek help in time and may end up scarred / damaged or possibly even dead. That fear weighs on my mind daily. Suffocating. In the grief process, I am currently at "Bargaining", and I want to move to acceptance. Our family is literally in the middle of the storm and can do little save wait for the end.
What I really want is for my daughter to go to rehab and to restore her future. I want to rebuild a relationship with the non-addicted person. Today, I would settle for a relationship with the addicted person, but she hides from me when she's using. Honestly I know that we are not the only family dealing with this problem. The main reason I continue to blog about this, continue to research and share is to provide our story as hope for others.
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