Day 8..........the Longest Day

As I sit here watching "Grey's Anatomy", my mind continually drifts to you, my precious daughter.  This has been our series, our connection for years.  Even when you matured and started listening to music other than the pop alternative heard on the show, you and I still had the characters to analyze, gossip about, to share.  The new season is only 3 episodes in, and you have been gone from our home for each of them.  In complete irony, I hope, you left our home on Thursday each time.

This time is different.  You took nothing with you.....not your phone charger, your makeup or your favorite Bob Marley t-shirt.  As each day merges into the next, my panic grows.  How did you finally get to a point where the few things you valued no longer mean anything to you, including your cat.  She misses you terribly and lurks around the house.  My heart breaks seeing her so lost, so alone.  All at one time I want to scream and plead for you to return while also screaming at you for being so insensitive.

But I also know that part of your need to run and hide is to avoid the enormous guilt you feel for causing so much pain in your family.  We forgive you, even before any situation occurs.  That's what love does.  Love transcends all hurt.

Plato's Closet and 96.7 KissFM have the High School Invasion competition, and as Whit and I talked about it and the possibility of Westwood winning again this year, my breath held when I knew Tegan and Sara were performing.  We used to jam out to Tegan and Sara.  It took so much energy not to cry.

Today, another email from the school about making a selection for the yearbook from your SR portraits sent me over the edge, so when the attendance office called, again, I broke down.

God, day 8 has been horrible.

End of Week 1

Today concludes week 1 of my daughter's absence, and I cannot wrap my mind around the ordeal.  Numbed, confused, worried...............I am truly at a loss.

Luckily, my focus has improved, but only because I have began making strict lists to focus myself.  I am sleeping a little better, but not too much.  Whit is finally vocalizing her own emotions, her nightmares, and as she and I begin to accept the current reality, I wonder what might happen when Kaitlyn returns to the scene.  I know she will not be gone forever; at least, I hope not least.

Kaitlyn has always been so special..........so unique.  She has a strong intellect and perspective.  These have always been intriguing to me, so I guess she will always hold a very special place in my heart.  I guess that's without saying, considering she's my daughter.

I miss her so much.................not the person she has been in the last few months, but the broody and wonderful young woman she was a year ago before her self-destructive behaviors plunged us into this dark and unforgiving world.  I long for her.