7/29/14 A Sense of Loss

https://youtu.be/8wiVjm9rczo?si=jVvgyo3pWZNuc-Rp Talking to Kaitlyn, I can feel how much she misses something she thought she had, an ideal of something.

She has so much bitterness and anger right now towards the person who hurt her.  This is understandable. 

Beyond that is the sense of loss:  she feels she has lost everything.

Childhood
Family
Innocence
Talents
Friends
Future

Just like other victims, she fixates on one thing at a time, attaches emotions to things and feels re-victimized when that "thing" is gone.

Recovery must include a strong spiritual component.  Because of the transcendence of worldly things, a spiritual component is the only way to provide stability.  It is the only thing that cannot be lost.  Moving beyond the immediate sense of urgency, the primal fear of injury and pain, establishing a strong spiritual connection can be so difficult.  What I have learned in this ordeal with Kaitlyn is that the spiritual approach is the only one that can provide solid support.

Also, recovery cannot be a piece by piece process.  It has to include all aspects of recovery - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and legal (possibly).  Each day brings new struggles, new perceived dangers.  For me to be an effective supporter, I must have each of these components stabilized in my own life.  I must have support of my own in order to deal with the consistent onslaught of Kaitlyn's emotions.

Today, I have so very few answers and lots of questions.  What I can offer is a prayer for recovery.  Don't give up.  Wherever you are, don't give up.  Take the one baby step you need to take today.

Timetables are impossible.  I can only meet each new challenge as I encounter it.  For a person who relies heavily on timetables, this proves the most difficult for me.  My daughter and the preservation of her identify are more important than timetables and personal expectations.

Just a note on the video at the top of the blog.  I had no idea Lindsey Lohan recorded an album.  I was doing a cursory search of "innocence, loss, family, incest" and stumbled across it.  I truly think it says so much of what Kaitlyn says in regard to her perpetrator.  I'd like to say a few choice words of my own.  Conduct a search of your own.................see what you find.  I have also linked a couple of articles about the psychology of lost innocence that I found helpful.

My dear, sweet Kaitlyn....................fight.  Today, find that little girl inside you and let her have some breathing room.  You have not killed her off.  You have just locked her away so deeply inside yourself to protect her.  Just today, fight for her.............I know you can do it.

But I Do

On those days when I feel so angry at the one who hurt these beautiful young women, I want to scream.  Instead, I find myself wanting to make lists of all the things taken away from them.  Then, I also remember that I get the very best of the girls, too.  They are wonderful and amazing; and I get to see all that.  I get to be a part of their lives.  Instead of focusing on the bad, on what is lost, I want to focus instead on the good, on the strength and beauty.

You have no idea how much you damaged my daughters, but I do.
You have no idea what you stole from them, but I do.
You have no remorse, no soul; and I do.  I am stronger and bigger and better than any part of you.

In my prayers I will continue to ask God to heal what you broke- what you broke, damaged and stole from three innocent little girls.

You have no idea what those girls struggle through every single day just to get out of bed, but I do;
and you never give a second thought for what you so maliciously took from girls who had nothing but love to give, but I do.

But you also don't get to see how hard they work and how much they have changed, but I do.
You don't get to be a part of their lives anymore, but I do.
You will never have compassion or love from three beautiful young women, but I do.

Purposes of Blogging

This blog started off as a way to work through my sadness, sorrow, grief and fear when my daughter went missing for 50 days.  The reasons behind her running away, for disappearing for a while, have everything to do with an addiction, a childhood sexual assault and an inability to cope with the reality of what her life has become.  She is not the only victim of trauma, of disappointment.

Her older sister was also a victim of that assault and also has issues with drug abuse and codependency.

What I really want to say to my daughters right now is that it would be easier for me to let go completely, to give up and not try to help you get better - that would be the easiest thing to do.

I didn't choose the easy route when I became your mom; I did not choose the easy route when I decided to make decisions to improve our future. I did not choose the easy route when I decided to jump into the shark infested waters with you. I will not abandon you; I am here for you no matter what, and I will not choose the easy path.  

Even as you try to take the easy road I will not.  Sometimes in the future when you look back on all this, I hope you remember that every decision I make, every word I choose to speak to you, I do so through God's amazing grace - every part of my relationship with you has been blessed and approved by God. when I chose to be your mom, I chose to follow obediently to God's plan.  I chose to believe in the power higher than what existed in the world, and I chose to follow him because He gave me the ultimate gift of becoming a mother.

So even when you're mad at me,  I know you love me; and even when the days seem hard,  know you forgive me my inability to let you go.   know you love me even when you can't say it.