Grieving

Today is hard..................my daughter has been gone now for 4 weeks.  She left when I made the ultimatum about rehab, and in all the days since she's left, I often find that I blame myself.  It's a natural part of the grieving process, but it still hurts.  I want my daughter.  I want the daughter that I used to know.  It hurts so much not knowing.  This is the second disappearance in a year.

This path she is on ends only in three ways:  recovery, death, jail.  As the loved one, I spend so much time internally bargaining with my own ideal / principals.  What I want is a full recovery.  I would settle for jail at this point because the thought of death is too much for me.

A part of me is missing, and it hurts most days to even take a breath.

Can I tell you how amazing and beautiful my daughter really is??

When she was a little girl, she was so serious.  She would contemplate long and hard about many things.  She was not without happiness or joy, but she often contemplated those with a seriousness that I had not seen in her sisters.  She was also very determined.  She wanted her way.  I remember that I would listen to her discussion and then steel myself when I told her she could not have her way because she was so often tenacious.  She has not changed very much.

She loved playing in the band.  She had decided to play the oboe when she was only 10.  For whatever reason, she wanted it, and as her mom, I was supportive.  In 6th grade band, she had to fight for the right to play the oboe in the school band.  The band teacher attempted to talk her out of it, but Kaitlyn stood her ground and was able to play the oboe.  The reeds for the instrument were not cheap, and often I had to order them because the music stores in Austin did not always carry the reeds.  I remember that throughout middle school, staying on top of reed orders was a priority for me as her mom.  When Kaitlyn switched to the euphonium, I was concerned that she had been talked out of playing the oboe.  She had simply decided to play another difficult instrument that few others played.  Kaitlyn wanted to do things that others didn't.  She was looking to find her own niche, her own voice.

RRISD rezoned our neighborhood going into her high school career, and she was inadvertently left off mailing lists for band going into the 9th grade.  The band director at her school kicked her out of band, and I spent several days negotiating with the school to keep her in band.  She quit instead.  It is a decision I did not support and one she later regretted.  It was the last disappointment she could handle.............she had suffered so many.  Her parents' divorce, a long term abuse, an assault at her new school in the 6th grade, moving to Austin.............one disappointment after another.  It was too much for her.

I bear responsibility for some of these situations.  I also bear responsibility for not acting quickly enough with therapeutic  intervention.  These failures on my part will haunt me until amends can be made and I can re-establish a relationship with my daughter.  As suffocating as the guilt is, I know that Kaitlyn has an even heavier load to carry, and I beg God daily to give me her pain and suffering to bear.  I would give my life today to give her a future without the burdens she carries.

Kaitlyn has a deep, twisted sense of humor.  She watches the most sardonic cartoons and laughs at the smallest things that most others would overlook.  She can reference movies / music / tv shows and understand deeply intense metaphors.  Part of her unique personality comes from this ability to remember everything, but it also contributes to her suffering.  Simple distractions do not placate her.  This is one of the reasons that standard addiction recovery frustrates her.  She needs intensity to feel progress is being made.

Now that she is 18, she is considered an adult, and I have had a difficult time getting the "professionals" to speak with me.  I understand HIPAA rules, but I feel some of the impatience she feels.  I cannot imagine her frustration, but watching her struggle, I want to help her.

Kaitlyn was very close with her father in the first 6 years of her life.  You could even say that she was his favorite child.  Almost everyone saw it.  I would do the best I could to intervene, to have time with Kaitlyn and to force interactions between their father and our other children.  Her father often carried Kaitlyn around and did everything for her, even though she could manage herself.  The divorce changed that relationship dynamic.  I saw it.

To help Kaitlyn transition, I did put her into counseling.  I tried everything I could think of to ease the pain of separation.  I seriously tried to maintain a healthy balance for my children.  Their father dropped out of sight, a reaction to the divorce that has persisted 12 years later.  I have tried; I won't even justify my actions.  My disappointment in my ex-husband and in his family knows no bounds.  My anger at them resurfaces often.  I learned quite painfully early on that I was alone in the process of raising my daughters.  Aside from the disappointment and anger I feel toward the ex-family, there was always a little girl, abandoned, left alone with the parent she was not close to.  Over time, I felt she had matured and had even grown fond of me, but that was  lie I told myself.

Kaitlyn told me recently that she feels guilt for never wanting to live with her mom.  She says that she has longed for her father all this time, and that being with her mom has only made her miss her father even more.  It was a confession I suspected and dreaded.  I knew how she felt about me.  I wanted more, but I had to face the reality of it.  A sweet, beautiful and amazingly talented young girl was separated from the parent she loved so much and forced to live with the parent she had no attachment to.  As much as I would want to, I cannot change the reality of this relationship situation.

As parents, we don't always get to keep those we bear.

I don't blame Kaitlyn.  I forgive her, too.  I want only the best for her.

Writing helps me.  It allows me to work through my emotions.  After I complete an entry, I will read back over it and find the deeper meaning behind my words.  I don't always have time to write when I become overwhelmed with emotions, but I make diligent efforts.  As we try to heal, I still must deal with my feelings for my beautiful daughter and also deal with sense of loss.

God, I pray for complete recovery.  Please allow Kaitlyn to see her true beauty before she destroys it or herself.  Please allow Kaitlyn to forgive those who she feels have hurt her.  Please allow her to forgive herself.  She is amazing.  She is wonderful, creative and compassionate.  God, I will sacrifice my own happiness, my own future to grant her one.  I pray on bended knee with profound sadness for her struggle.

Relapsing

Here we go again, Kaitlyn, down the same path that you've been down so many times before; and I guess blindly, naively I believed that a lot of work a lot of prayer would make a difference.  I don't know, maybe it does, or has in your case.

It is so difficult watching you struggle and watching you make the same mistake over and over and over again especially when so many people are on your side and have tried to intervene for you.

Someday I know you will look back, and you will realize the love that has been poured out to you; and I know that you will realize that you did the best you could with what you had.  You will also understand that there's really no blame - it is what it is.

I'm not mad at you; I forgive you every mistake you ever made because I do love you.

I am sending this prayer into the universe that God will just cradle you, cradle and bless you until you can stop being so angry and before you destroy yourself, before you destroy your precious, precious future.  I pray for you because you were amazing and beautiful and so wonderful.  I miss you more than you'll ever know. 

I wish things were different, and I wish that you understood how hard it is as a parent to be at this point and make a decision to let you live your life on your terms. I can't do it for you, and all I was doing for the last six months is enabling you to continue in your addiction.  Someday you will see that I did the best I could for you.

Amber to Amber

Ok, as this ordeal of my daughter's disappearance heads into week 2, my mind refuses to quiet, and I find myself replaying so many things over and over until I am uncertain where the reality and confusion collide.  Seventeen years ago as I was in labor waiting for this precious girl to arrive, we still did not have a middle name picked out to go with Kaitlyn.  All over the news was the story of Amber Hagerman, the 9 year old Arlington, Texas girl who had been brutally snatched off her bike and murdered.  Out of tribute to Amber, Kaitlyn's middle name became Amber.  The reason behind the selection has been proudly told to Kaitlyn for many years.

So imagine the twisted irony when my own Amber has gone missing. The circumstances are different as are the ages.  My daughter chose to leave her home, chose to put herself into danger and to torment her family with prolonged and suffocating questions of "what if".  The irony taunts me.

I want my daughter to return home.  As each day passes to the next, I cannot help but worry that I may never see her again.  Even when others around me remind me that most teens return home, those words do so little to calm my fears.

I've Been There

I seriously have been there..............am still there.  If you are reading this, then you love someone battling with addiction, with oppositional defiance, with PTSD, with drugs, with destructive behaviors.........the list goes on and on.  As an educator, advocate, survivor, mother - I have fervently and with great enthusiasm sought help to somehow save my daughter.  Those around me can say she's 17, she's an adult, she's making a choice.........they can say that, but those words do not soothe a battered and shattering heart.  Those words do not comfort the desperation in not knowing where my daughter is.  Those words do not dry my tears, hold my hand, or give me focus enough to remember to pay my rent before it's late.

No.........those words do little to actually help me.  Even though the words are true, logical, a mother's love is emotional, hormonal, primal.  Fighting within myself between logic and emotion, I barely can move.  So when I say I've been there...........I am there, believe me, I am.

Being a woman of action.............I began researching.  I am still researching.  I must do something.  Last night as I couldn't sleep, I finally created a www.pinterest.com board.

I have so much more I need to say, to post, to question.

But for today, just today...........I must put one foot in front of the other.  Step 1.............just say "Jesus".
Put faith in Jesus; go out on faith and let go.  Say, "Jesus".

Take a few moments to listen to 7eventh Time Down.  Listen............and let this first step be just about asking Jesus to walk with you.