Forgiveness

Today is July 4, the birthday of the wonderful nation of the United States.  I am not sure what this great and wonderful nation will be like in 20 years, 40 years.............but I do know that at some point, each of my daughters will reflect backward to a time when was I was strong and vital and try to put their confused memories into place.  As I took Murphy for his morning walk, the outline for this entry formed into my mind.  Kate came to visit this week, so at times, I had all 3 girls together under the same roof again.  Even though it was only for a few hours at a time, it brought back so many happy memories for me.  For the girls, it brought a wave of resentment and anger.

To my beautiful daughters, please know that for many, many years you will reflect backward onto points of your young adult lives and even into your childhood and feel a tidal wave of emotions toward me, similar to what you do right now.  Some of these emotions are:  anger, resentment, rejection, confusion, hatred, disappointment.  I truly wish I could include other emotions like joy and contentment on this list, but those are not emotions you have toward me or toward the life I've built for you.  I am not singling out anyone specific when I say "my daughters"; although Whitney has not developed many of these emotions yet, she often is angry and disappointed.  She tends to be more forgiving at her age (I hope this continues).

It is a natural part of adolescence to harbor resentment and anger toward parents.  Parents are the ones pushing hard and expecting so much.  In our immediate family, I am the only parent, so I am often tired and more demanding.  One of my saddest regrets is that I have always had to be the stricter parent because Jack would not establish clear boundaries.  I hope my daughters know that what I wanted was to be the sweet and loving mother, the one who got to doctor the boo boos and listen to hurts.  I know that as I tried to balance out our lives to include the softer side of me, it did so little to console all the bruised feelings.

As I reflect backward onto my own life, I realize more and more that I was the parent I was simply because it was whom I was.  With my own scars and disappointments, not to mention my intellect, I parented the only way I could.  This revelation made me look at my own parents with new eyes and understand that they, too, did the best they could.  Love of a parent is complicated that way.

So, as you look backward someday, forgive yourself your negative emotions.  Allow them to be replaced slowly with positive emotions.  I forgive each of you.

 I have held so much love and joy in my heart for each of you, my daughters.  You three are the only reason I have breath in my lungs.  The hope that someday each of you will look at me with respect and want a relationship with me is all that sustains me.  Please take time to remember all the silly and fun things we used to do, even though maybe all you remember right now are bruised feelings and anger..............things such as picnic hikes to the Greenbelt and carving pumpkins on Halloween.  Remember splashing around at the pool or having carpet picnics.  My deep and sincere prayer is that you allow the sweet memories to invade and destroy all the walls you have tried to build up. "Just because you hide your eyes does not mean I can't see you."

What's Wrong with Us?

(original draft date - April 2015)

For a long time, I felt like something was wrong with me and my daughters when it came to relationships with the bad people.

I always felt under scrutiny, never good enough - striving always to be better to gain their favor, to gain their acceptance or to gain their approval.

That scrutiny manifested in my relationships with my daughters.  Most importantly, the scrutiny of even the tiniest of flaws in myself and my severe disapproval of myself has a lasting impact on my relationships with my daughters. 

Those mistakes I must suffer with, live with and try to make amends for during my remaining lifetime; I hope my daughters will forgive me someday.  I hope they can move forward and understand that I didn't know what the bigger picture was just like they didn't know what the bigger picture was.

There are moments when I feel alone,  isolated and even angry because I feel like something is now missing in my life; it's a healthy thing to let go of unhealthy people and it's a healthy thing to face regrets and sadness and  to make amends for those regrets and sadness.

This post started because I feel without purpose; I feel that everything I once believed drifted away and in silence and isolation; I stand unable to move.

Kaitlyn is such a beautiful young woman; she is smart and funny and so insightful.  She has her mother who loves her more and more and more each and every day. I want so much more for her.

I want so much more for all of us. I want healthy adult relationships so that my daughters and I can spend time together; I miss them,

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It has become the norm for me to dictate my thoughts into my mobile app on my phone and then edit later.  My mind is such a blur of things - emotions, thoughts, memories, hopes/desires, chore lists, voices (my own and others) - and a constant almost desperate search for some purpose in my life.  Kaitlyn will go under the radar for about 2 weeks before she resurfaces and wants something.  I always recognize that what she's really needing is contact, no matter how trivial it may seem to me or to her other family.  Mental illness takes a toll on family members.  It's so random and unpredictable.  Most people suffering from mental illness have an obvious problem - drug or alcohol abuse - that others will point to, judge, mock and not forgive.  I run interference so often, that I do it automatically.  It's exhausting.

Kaitlyn called a couple days ago almost in tears asking to come home for a while.  She always cites something - illness, exhaustion, hunger, etc...............this time, she is battling with some poison ivy and allergies.  She cannot truly rest where she is living, so she wants to come here to have her mom take care of her.  The stress her presence has on my life is unmentionable.  She can be sweet and accommodating one minute and hostile the next.  She has tantrums like a 5 year old but has the intellectual sharpness of a young woman with an excellent education.  It's a roller coaster.  To survive her, you must be on task and prepared...........forgiving and made of steel.

I just started this book "All My Puny Sorrows" by Miriam Toews.  The main character is the younger sister to a woman with mental illness and suicidal tendencies.  Reading it breaks my heart as I must consider the deeper emotions of my youngest daughter toward her older sister, Kaitlyn.  There are times when I want to get into the minds of my daughters and see how they truly see their lives.