But I Do

On those days when I feel so angry at the one who hurt these beautiful young women, I want to scream.  Instead, I find myself wanting to make lists of all the things taken away from them.  Then, I also remember that I get the very best of the girls, too.  They are wonderful and amazing; and I get to see all that.  I get to be a part of their lives.  Instead of focusing on the bad, on what is lost, I want to focus instead on the good, on the strength and beauty.

You have no idea how much you damaged my daughters, but I do.
You have no idea what you stole from them, but I do.
You have no remorse, no soul; and I do.  I am stronger and bigger and better than any part of you.

In my prayers I will continue to ask God to heal what you broke- what you broke, damaged and stole from three innocent little girls.

You have no idea what those girls struggle through every single day just to get out of bed, but I do;
and you never give a second thought for what you so maliciously took from girls who had nothing but love to give, but I do.

But you also don't get to see how hard they work and how much they have changed, but I do.
You don't get to be a part of their lives anymore, but I do.
You will never have compassion or love from three beautiful young women, but I do.

Purposes of Blogging

This blog started off as a way to work through my sadness, sorrow, grief and fear when my daughter went missing for 50 days.  The reasons behind her running away, for disappearing for a while, have everything to do with an addiction, a childhood sexual assault and an inability to cope with the reality of what her life has become.  She is not the only victim of trauma, of disappointment.

Her older sister was also a victim of that assault and also has issues with drug abuse and codependency.

What I really want to say to my daughters right now is that it would be easier for me to let go completely, to give up and not try to help you get better - that would be the easiest thing to do.

I didn't choose the easy route when I became your mom; I did not choose the easy route when I decided to make decisions to improve our future. I did not choose the easy route when I decided to jump into the shark infested waters with you. I will not abandon you; I am here for you no matter what, and I will not choose the easy path.  

Even as you try to take the easy road I will not.  Sometimes in the future when you look back on all this, I hope you remember that every decision I make, every word I choose to speak to you, I do so through God's amazing grace - every part of my relationship with you has been blessed and approved by God. when I chose to be your mom, I chose to follow obediently to God's plan.  I chose to believe in the power higher than what existed in the world, and I chose to follow him because He gave me the ultimate gift of becoming a mother.

So even when you're mad at me,  I know you love me; and even when the days seem hard,  know you forgive me my inability to let you go.   know you love me even when you can't say it.

Celebrations and the Reality of Incest

original date 03/18/2014

One of the most damaging and pervasive side effects of incest and shaming is the lack of family celebrations. Turning 18 should be the top of celebrations, and  Kaitlyn turned 18 this year. Struggling to have a sense of normalcy, she wanted the big 18th birthday party.  It didn't happen.

When you have decreased the number of family members in your intermediate circle because of incest and shaming, you can't have those big family celebrations you used to have, or wants to have.  She would tell you herself there is no way she wanted to invite the family, but then in the same short conversation she would lament the loss of having all those family members.  The fact that her dad's family has completely abandoned my daughters does not help.  There truly is no support system from the family on either side.

I put some effort into getting Kaitlyn all kinds of things to remember her 18th birthday - a cute tiara, a pin, some balloons, to name a few.  I did invite a few close friends and neighbors, and of course I invited the family that is not involved in this abuse.  Those not involved in the abuse could've came if they chose to, but they chose not to - that's how weird this shaming situation is in families.  Talk about the giant polka-dot elephant in the room.  Kaitlyn deserves so much more.  My heart breaks for her.

Her 16th birthday was the one I really wanted to celebrate and blow out of the water,  It was before all this information came out, and the 16th birthday was completely ignored by the family.  It doesn't make a difference that we've decided to pull away from them because if they can't be in control they choose not to participate.  It is too much for a grown, well educated and mature woman to handle.  I can only imagine the pressure of a vulnerable teenager.

I hold onto the keepsakes, the pictures and try to journal hoping she'll remember it;  hopefully one day she'll know that she was loved and know who the people are that really do care about her.

Relapsing

Here we go again, Kaitlyn, down the same path that you've been down so many times before; and I guess blindly, naively I believed that a lot of work a lot of prayer would make a difference.  I don't know, maybe it does, or has in your case.

It is so difficult watching you struggle and watching you make the same mistake over and over and over again especially when so many people are on your side and have tried to intervene for you.

Someday I know you will look back, and you will realize the love that has been poured out to you; and I know that you will realize that you did the best you could with what you had.  You will also understand that there's really no blame - it is what it is.

I'm not mad at you; I forgive you every mistake you ever made because I do love you.

I am sending this prayer into the universe that God will just cradle you, cradle and bless you until you can stop being so angry and before you destroy yourself, before you destroy your precious, precious future.  I pray for you because you were amazing and beautiful and so wonderful.  I miss you more than you'll ever know. 

I wish things were different, and I wish that you understood how hard it is as a parent to be at this point and make a decision to let you live your life on your terms. I can't do it for you, and all I was doing for the last six months is enabling you to continue in your addiction.  Someday you will see that I did the best I could for you.

Day 70

It's been 70 days since you ran away ... 70 days of sadness, confusion, uncertainty. My heart aches.

I can't see the future right now, and I'm terrified. One of the things that had always guided me, encouraged me, comforted me, was a vision of a brighter future.  I feel helpless, small and invisible without that vision.

You are exactly where you are today.... Warts and all.... Because of choices you made. No one else is to blame.

My prayer for you is a deep healing.......for you to fully accept that your complaints are the consequences of your attitudes and behaviors.  You must stop blaming others and learn to accept who, where and how you are.  Without accepting these things, you will continue to make poor choices.

Blood Shed, Forgiveness to Accept

None of us deserves the grace that God gives us none of us deserves the blood that was shed for our sins, but he gives it to us anyway.

Kaitlyn, like anyone else,deserves forgiveness and deserves a second chance; and if I could give away all my future so that she would have that second chance, I'd give it gladly.

I understand that my sadness and my pain doesn't come from her.l  The sadness in her brain - that what she's feeling and experiencing - those are hers, but I am sad because it is Christmas and I miss my daughter.

I have missed her for a long time now and I understand fully that the angry young woman right in front of me is not the daughter that I'm missing, and I understand that I may never have a relationship with this confused and angry young woman.

When Kaitlyn is under the influence or when her hormones are out of control, that other side of her comes out and she's pretty mean and vindictive.

I got a chance to see that this weekend -  first in a phone conversation and then secondly in my face-to-face visit with her.l  She was aggressive and angry.  Maybe I have no sympathy for her, or maybe I am tired.

I do not want to make decisions for her future based on my hurt feelings, but this is the side that I see of her the most often - the mean and ugly and hateful side.  The sweet side that I've seen a little bit up in the last couple of weeks, and I haven't seen that in a long time.

It brings into question whether her addiction started from her emotions and pain or whether the addiction is a result of her bipolar disorder.  The swinging personality often happens with no trigger.

It makes me think of my dad in the last year so his life; he had gone to a rehab after hip replacement surgery and was sober for the first time in years.  For the longest that I can ever remember my dad was always intoxicated, but he was, in his sober moments, so mean and vindictive and just horrible to people.

It is a very helpless feeling to be right here - first as a child wondering what I could do or what I can say to make it better for my dad  and now as a parent wondering what I can do what I can say to make it better for my daughter.

She wants her way; that's all that will satisfy her when she's in this mood - no arguing no disagreeing, no trying to reason - just tell her she's right. There is no moving forward;  she pushes a point that she knows is wrong just to incite the conflict.  She wants desperately to be right, even though she knows she can't win that specific point.  I have fallen prey to this trap many times in the past.  If I agree with her, she gets irritated because she feels I do not listen; if I disagree with her, then she gets to say no one understands her.

I need professional help to decipher what she's actually saying. I realize by inciting a conflict with me, she's hoping for connections. I feel she's just drowning inside and  trying to figure it out herself just like I'm trying to figure it out.

We are truly stuck.  Prayer and complete reliance on God's mercy keeps me going each day.  There is just no easy fix, and I'm dealing with a young woman who has legal authority to walk away from our relationship as I try to salvage bits and pieces.