Prayers While Driving

I hope you were not out in all this bad weather the last two nights

I worry about you so much I miss you more than you could ever ever ever know

Whatever demon is haunting chasing devouring you inside please have the strength and the courage to fight it off

Your family loves you very much and we all miss and pray for a very quick and safe return

Kaitlyn you were more valuable then you can understand right now and my true hope for you is that you do not destroy too much of your future before you can realize that

Amber to Amber

Ok, as this ordeal of my daughter's disappearance heads into week 2, my mind refuses to quiet, and I find myself replaying so many things over and over until I am uncertain where the reality and confusion collide.  Seventeen years ago as I was in labor waiting for this precious girl to arrive, we still did not have a middle name picked out to go with Kaitlyn.  All over the news was the story of Amber Hagerman, the 9 year old Arlington, Texas girl who had been brutally snatched off her bike and murdered.  Out of tribute to Amber, Kaitlyn's middle name became Amber.  The reason behind the selection has been proudly told to Kaitlyn for many years.

So imagine the twisted irony when my own Amber has gone missing. The circumstances are different as are the ages.  My daughter chose to leave her home, chose to put herself into danger and to torment her family with prolonged and suffocating questions of "what if".  The irony taunts me.

I want my daughter to return home.  As each day passes to the next, I cannot help but worry that I may never see her again.  Even when others around me remind me that most teens return home, those words do so little to calm my fears.

Trying to move toward Acceptance

When Kaitlyn was younger, she had such a fierce determination.  I saw this in her face during the very first studio portrait made of her at only a few week old.  Sometimes now when I see that photo on my dining room wall, I must pause to ask myself what I did wrong.  Dwelling on this sense of guilt benefits no one, so instead I have been saying deep, heart felt prayers and trying to move toward acceptance instead.

When Kaitlyn was in the 7th grade, about 12 years old, she asked me this profound question regarding social relationships.  She told me a story about having a box of 96 crayons, the one with the sharpener on the back.  She asked why others would ask to use your big box of crayons when they had their own.  Explaining further that it took her a long time to get that bigger box, she just did not want to share with others, even if they could not afford the bigger box.  Of course I knew the deeper implications to her story, understood the question regarding human charity that Kaitlyn struggled with.  I remember staring at her so intently, mesmerized by the depth of her perceptions.

This is how my relationship with Kaitlyn has been her whole life.

When she was only 4 years old, she would focus on whatever game of make believe caught her fancy.  She would line up her dolls and stuffed animals along one wall of her room in some pattern and then leave them in that pattern until some new idea caught her attention.  Her make believe could last for days.  Neither of her sisters ever played on this level.

 

She has approached must of her life with this same intensity.  Look at her self portrait added to this post.  She would work on her lips for hours only to find some hidden flaw only she would see.  Even after it was complete, she would scoff at it, unsatisfied.  Me trying to define things for her has never been easy as she sought always to define them for herself.

As her mom, watching this dark, uncertain journey terrifies and saddens me.  I truly want so much more for her.  My own preservation must take priority as her missing status moves into the 4th week.  At this point, I have no idea what her future holds.

 

DABDA

 

The 5 stages of grief.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

My 5 best friends of late, I am working desperately with my therapist to move toward acceptance so that I can be healthy and supportive for Kaitlyn when she finally stops raging at the world.  I am truly no stranger to grief; I've been here many times before.

 

Resources are valuable.  I've stated this repeatedly, because without accessing support services, a parent of a disturbed (missing, angry, defiant) child cannot cope effectively with the trauma or the consequences of the situation.  I have met several other parents of emotionally disturbed children recently.  Each story has some similarities but vast differences.  What I glean from our conversations is that survival is possible, even renewal of the parent / child relationship once the tide of destructiveness runs its course.

 

I miss my daughter.

 

I love her so deeply that I feel her pain and suffering all tied up with my own.

 

In desperation, I want to hold her, comfort her and protect her from herself.

 

 

Day 18............Possible Leads

Through this whole ordeal, I had a hunch that Kaitlyn was in the area, staying with friends.  Even when my mind would slowly drift to other possibilities, I could logically ponder facts and statistics to highlight the more possibly likelihood that she was with friends.  Everyone has said the same thing.

I realize that in some ways, imagining the worst made it easier to avoid  lots of underlying issues in my relationship with Kaitlyn or with the reality of mental illness and addiction.  Even as I type that last statement, I realize that many families whose children are missing, possibly from foul play, would give anything to have a mental illness or addiction problem to deal with instead.  These are very murky waters where we swim.

The stress of this all is rapidly catching up with me.  I spend many hours either with a severe headache, shoulder / back pain, sleeplessness or indigestion.  As I spent an hour of pure hell last night trying to quell acid reflux, tears finally fell.  Only a couple hours before, I had been out looking for Kaitlyn following some leads provided by a couple of her friends in our complex.  I now know where she has been all this time and that she has been hanging out at a different high school other than hers.

Stress..............even when we don't feel stressed, dealing with issues can effect many aspects of our day.  While some people get "jumpy" or "moody", others may internalize stress meaning that the jumpiness is hidden.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me in these last couple of weeks that I am handling this all well.  Smiling, I want to launch into the hidden physical effects, but I smile and say "thank you".  Whitney recently came home from school and shared with me a video she had seen about the positive benefits of stress.  As I watched it, I knew most of what the speaker posited, and for a few moments, I wondered if I was overreacting lately.  What Kelly McGonigal speaks about is not the prolonged, intense stress associated with a missing child, mental illness or addiction.  That Whitney thought about me when she watched it and wanted to share with mean meant so much to me.

Underlying issues............even if many tell me differently, I feel an enormous amount of guilt.

1.  Kaitlyn has been saying for a while that she does not like me and does not want to live with me.  Am I just too selfish to hear her?  Is there anything to her complaint?  I dreamed that Kaitlyn was found, and that all the people she's been hiding out with presented valid evidence that I was an unfit person.  I can't help but wonder.  The underlying issue encompasses many things..............teenage rebellion, co-dependency, denial, over-bearing parenting.

2. 18 days of no contact from someone you love is such an enormous issue.  Could Kaitlyn be that cruel?  She must understand somewhere deep inside what pain and suffering she is causing, not only to me, but to her sisters and grandparents.  Did I do such a horrible job raising her?  The underlying issue is an addiction and stress anxiety from her childhood abuse.  Our extended family dynamic has created such a stigma of shame.

3.  Bailing out of her life and abandoning her responsibilities really scares me.  The women in my maternal family line have a very long history of abandonment.  I want more for my daughters.  Part of my naive self believed that through love, support and education, this circle of abandonment could change.  In much the same way, I believed once that the circle of addiction, abuse, and incest could also be broken.  As all these elements culminate with Kaitlyn, I must face the fact that I was wrong.  That's hard for me.  I believed it, believed so much in the power of faith and prayer, also.  To face the fact that I was wrong jeopardizes much of what I believe in the world now. Underlying issues with this include my own childhood abuse, denial and trust issues.

A Place for Teens

Since placing a post on Kaitlyn's Facebook page, this blog has received about 25 views per day. I realized that those viewing this may be teens in similar situations, and so I decided to share some resourceful information just in case. What I would hope Kaitlyn knows is how to access resources even if she decides not to return home.

 In a perfect scenario, Kaitlyn would return to her home, the one she's known her whole life.  If for some reason she feels she cannot be here, I would want her to find a safe place.

Austin has a teen shelter.  There is no need to go without food, warmth or safety.  A call to 311 Austin can summon a police officer to escort a homeless teen to LifeWorks.

The weather here has turned cool and damp.  I just can't help but worry that Kaitlyn is outside in this weather, alone, scared and hungry.  Each time I see a young woman standing on a corner pan-handling, I slow down to make sure it is not my daughter.  So many teens are homeless, either by choice.

Some Teen Runaway Facts:

1. There are approximately 1.7 million homeless teens in the U.S.
2. 39 percent of the homeless population is young people under 18.
3. About 75 percent of homeless teens use drugs or alcohol as a means to self-medicate to deal with the traumatic experiences and abuse they face.
4. 5,000 young people die every year because of assault, illness, or suicide while on the street.
5. A U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study found that 46 percent of homeless youth left their home because of physical abuse. 17 percent left because of sexual abuse.
6. Approximately 40 percent of homeless teens identify as LGBT.
7. Over 50 percent of young people in shelters and on the streets report that their parents told them to leave or knew they were leaving and didn’t care.
8. The average age a teen becomes homeless is 14.7 years.
9. 1 in 7 young people between the ages of 10 and 18 will run away.
10. Teens age 12 to 17 are more likely to become homeless than adults.
11. HIV rates for homeless young people are 2 to 10 times higher than reported rates for other samples of adolescents in the U.S.

Reading the stats does not put my mind to rest.

No matter what started you on this path, take a step toward healing, toward self-sufficiency.  There are options.

Day 12 ~Truly Overcast and Rainy in Austin

At 4:30 this morning I woke up for some strange reason. The vacuum as running in the other room, this humming in the background. As I got up to check what was happening, I had a strange feeling of a precense in the room; and I thought of you, my daughter, my precious Kaitlyn. I miss you. I turned off the vacuum and tried to go back to bed, but all my thoughts kept going back to you. I wondered where you were praying that you were okay. I long for you desperately, longing only a mother would understand. It's been 12 days since you left, 12 days of no word, nothing, no confirmation of your safety; and I barely can function. I miss you so much and need you to know you are ok. I love you no matter what; I'll always love you. We all love you so much; there's not a moment of each day that my mind is not turned to you, soomething you said or had done, some cute expression or action, the way you are with Charlie. Watching Charlie miss you breaks my heart. Kaitlyn I just need you are ok. I want you to stop being so angry and come home. You are a bright spirit that has given me so much joy and happiness even in those arguing moments, in the the confusion and bad attitudes, watching you grow and see you become a young woman has been such a great pleasure. I know you love your family, and I know that you just on a journey right now that you just don't understand. I pray each day that God holds you and reassures you that you're not alone, that you are loved.

Day 8..........the Longest Day

As I sit here watching "Grey's Anatomy", my mind continually drifts to you, my precious daughter.  This has been our series, our connection for years.  Even when you matured and started listening to music other than the pop alternative heard on the show, you and I still had the characters to analyze, gossip about, to share.  The new season is only 3 episodes in, and you have been gone from our home for each of them.  In complete irony, I hope, you left our home on Thursday each time.

This time is different.  You took nothing with you.....not your phone charger, your makeup or your favorite Bob Marley t-shirt.  As each day merges into the next, my panic grows.  How did you finally get to a point where the few things you valued no longer mean anything to you, including your cat.  She misses you terribly and lurks around the house.  My heart breaks seeing her so lost, so alone.  All at one time I want to scream and plead for you to return while also screaming at you for being so insensitive.

But I also know that part of your need to run and hide is to avoid the enormous guilt you feel for causing so much pain in your family.  We forgive you, even before any situation occurs.  That's what love does.  Love transcends all hurt.

Plato's Closet and 96.7 KissFM have the High School Invasion competition, and as Whit and I talked about it and the possibility of Westwood winning again this year, my breath held when I knew Tegan and Sara were performing.  We used to jam out to Tegan and Sara.  It took so much energy not to cry.

Today, another email from the school about making a selection for the yearbook from your SR portraits sent me over the edge, so when the attendance office called, again, I broke down.

God, day 8 has been horrible.