Shattered

I am watching "Cold Case:  Shattered".  Lily was knocked unconscious by a door in a crappy hotel, and her gun stolen.  When she came to, she was staring at a photo of herself and her sister as little girls which prompted a flashback to a time at the beach.  Lily was always trying to save her mother and sister in the show, carrying the baggage of her tortured childhood with her.

Another image I have in my min>d is of a movie "Bring Ashley Home".  When I first watched this movie in 2011, Kaitlyn's life had not spiraled out of control yet.  Last year, it was on cable again, but I couldn't even bring myself to think about watching it because of its all too real similarity to Kaitlyn's story.  This video is a clip of scenes from the movie combined with a beautiful Casting Crowns song.  Not a second goes by that I do not wonder myself, "Does Anybody Hear Her"?

*** The original video I had was removed by youtube, so I uploaded this one.  When I searched on youtube, I found this one, and it had such a powerful message that I chose it over many others.  If you watch this on youtube, you will see so many comments from people who feel lost, abandoned, hurt, unwanted.  


Both Lily and Libba are sisters.  I don't know if Melanie or Whitney will ever feel strongly enough about Kaitlyn's salvation to risk so much to help her, but I know that I do.  I think about all the hours spent in complete enraptured prayer literally screaming and begging God to save Kaitlyn.  I think also about all the hours of driving around looking for Kaitlyn, making phone calls, tracking down leads.  I think about all the hugs, love, kindness and insults endured as I've tried desperately to hold onto a tiny, fragile thread of connection to my beautiful daughter.  It's almost impossible to separate her mental illness / addiction from the person she is (was, could be).  Each day just has to be about that day.  Each second has to be about that second.  Most people cannot handle this.  I am not sure some days that I am handling it at all.

February 2006

What Happened?        © Angelita Alvarez

What happened is what I ask myself everyday.

What was she thinking knowing she'd be putting her life to waste.
This is my sister and I love her with all my heart,
But doing drugs has only kept us far apart.
I never thought she would end up this way,
It hurts me knowing I can't help her, so all I do is pray,
I pray for her to open her eyes before it's too late.
Dealing drugs and stealing became her hobby,
I guess she doesn't care if her kids end up without a mommy.
Why can't she be the way she was before?
Now that was my sister, the one that always loved me more.
She was my best friend, we were always together,
Nothing ever kept us apart because we promised we'd be sisters forever.
I guess forever finally came to an end.
She don't love me anymore now, Heroin became her new friend.
I cry every time something reminds me of my sister,
I feel anger and pain inside knowing I can't help her.
But I won't lose faith,
Every night I will pray,
Cause I know someday God will show her the way.
So now I put this poem to an end and wish only for the best,
I pray it's never my sister who will someday be laid to rest!

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I really don't have too much to say about this, but I did want to make a note about the feelings watching this episode of "Cold Case" stirred in me.  Kaitlyn's situation is not promising as of today.  All I can do is pray and continue to have faith in her.

One Day ~ Forgiveness

One day in the future, and I hope it is not too long from now, you will look back on your life and see in reality what your life, your actions, and your thoughts truly are.  Right now, you are absorbed in your pain and immaturity.  It is difficult for you to look anywhere but right in front of you.

But one day......................

One day in the future, you will reflect on your life and on the people that love you.  With maturity and wisdom, you will see beyond the physical realm and instead see into the spirit of others.  Right now, you can only see black or white, good or bad.  You haven't developed the ability to see grey and to understand that love transcends all things.

But one day........................

One day in the future, you will reach out to connect with people who have loved you and prayed for you.  You will seek out their confidence and companionship.  These people who love you so much will have great value to you, and you will want to be a part of their lives.  Right now, you hide from these loved ones, shoving them farther and farther away.  You don't want others to see your pain and embarrassment

But one day.....................

One day in the future, you will see your true worth and value through the eyes of a soul forgiven.  You will understand that your worth comes from your existence and that God forgave you all your sins before those sins were committed.  You will further understand that in the same way, those who love you forgave you for all your transgressions even before those transgressions were made.  "Even when I'm mad at you, I love you."  Right now, you believe forgiveness happens only to others, and you feel that you do not deserve such forgiveness.  It is easier for you to continue to rage against the love and protection offered to you.

But one day...........................

One day, your grandparents and I will no longer exist; we will be mere whispers of ourselves existing in the cherished memories that others carry.  We will be found only in quieted contemplation, old photos and in saved writings.  These quieted contemplations, old photos and saved writings are being created right now with those individuals who are a part of our daily lives.  As you remain disconnected from us, you remain disconnected from those mere whispers that are just beginning to form.  One day in the future, when you reach backward to reflect on the love and grace poured out to you, your grandparents and I will not be available to you.  We will be disconnected from your mature reflections just as you are disconnected from our mere whisper creations.

My deepest sadness comes from the fear that when you are ready, others will have disappeared, either through death or disappointed, and will be unavailable to you.  I pour out words I hope will comfort and soothe you when you finally reach backward to reconnect to the love and companionship offered to you now.  I hope that you see how much I love and miss you.  Not a day goes by that I don't beg God to bless you with a future often offering all my future as a humble sacrifice for yours.

7/25/14 Oh, Katie

Oh you,

Kaitlyn, you are the most obstinate and precocious person I know.  Only you could turn a discussion about help into an accusation that "mental health issues" is a government conspiracy.  I had to laugh at that.  What I don't think you were expecting me to do was agree with you.

You have used your "mental illness" as an excuse to do drugs.  It has been the banner of your rebellion, the excuse for all the times you neglected your responsibilities or hurt someone else.  It has been your battle cry for why you allow so much sadness and negativity to shape your character and to rob you of the wonderful future promised to you.

So, when make the statement that "mental health issues" is a government definition, a government conspiracy, I agree.  My next statement dissolves years of excuses and deflection.  When I tell you that by abandoning your potential you have proved the government right, you quickly shift to say that you can change it all anytime you want.

You're a crafty one, Katie Pickles.

I find it even more amusing that you have told me several times in the last couple of weeks that no one else can carry on an intelligent conversation with you, and in pleading with me to talk to you, you have to accept my boundaries............you cannot belittle or degrade me to make yourself superior.

I did not intend for this.

Your life is yours to make something out of.  At some point, you must accept the responsibility that any mess you have is of your own making.  I sure love you.

Bridges and Balloons

7/29/14 A Sense of Loss

https://youtu.be/8wiVjm9rczo?si=jVvgyo3pWZNuc-Rp Talking to Kaitlyn, I can feel how much she misses something she thought she had, an ideal of something.

She has so much bitterness and anger right now towards the person who hurt her.  This is understandable. 

Beyond that is the sense of loss:  she feels she has lost everything.

Childhood
Family
Innocence
Talents
Friends
Future

Just like other victims, she fixates on one thing at a time, attaches emotions to things and feels re-victimized when that "thing" is gone.

Recovery must include a strong spiritual component.  Because of the transcendence of worldly things, a spiritual component is the only way to provide stability.  It is the only thing that cannot be lost.  Moving beyond the immediate sense of urgency, the primal fear of injury and pain, establishing a strong spiritual connection can be so difficult.  What I have learned in this ordeal with Kaitlyn is that the spiritual approach is the only one that can provide solid support.

Also, recovery cannot be a piece by piece process.  It has to include all aspects of recovery - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and legal (possibly).  Each day brings new struggles, new perceived dangers.  For me to be an effective supporter, I must have each of these components stabilized in my own life.  I must have support of my own in order to deal with the consistent onslaught of Kaitlyn's emotions.

Today, I have so very few answers and lots of questions.  What I can offer is a prayer for recovery.  Don't give up.  Wherever you are, don't give up.  Take the one baby step you need to take today.

Timetables are impossible.  I can only meet each new challenge as I encounter it.  For a person who relies heavily on timetables, this proves the most difficult for me.  My daughter and the preservation of her identify are more important than timetables and personal expectations.

Just a note on the video at the top of the blog.  I had no idea Lindsey Lohan recorded an album.  I was doing a cursory search of "innocence, loss, family, incest" and stumbled across it.  I truly think it says so much of what Kaitlyn says in regard to her perpetrator.  I'd like to say a few choice words of my own.  Conduct a search of your own.................see what you find.  I have also linked a couple of articles about the psychology of lost innocence that I found helpful.

My dear, sweet Kaitlyn....................fight.  Today, find that little girl inside you and let her have some breathing room.  You have not killed her off.  You have just locked her away so deeply inside yourself to protect her.  Just today, fight for her.............I know you can do it.

7/30/14 Stuck in the Middle

Kaitlyn is a middle child and as a middle child she feels stuck trying to find an identity.

She needs to be the center of attention, and something she's never been overly aggressive about - needing attention from people.  But I know that as a middle child, she needs something, one thing, anything - she needs to be the best at something.

Sadly, the thing that she is the best at it is this rebellion, the teenage angst, her drug use addiction, her anger.

I struggle with this because I knew all of this before this chaos even started. I knew it; I tried to prevent it. I tried to get her to be the best at something else, but all of my education and experience failed. I think this is one of the few times I have admitted to anyone that I feel like a failure.  Even as I edit this, I can hear Kaitlyn's voice chiding me, "This is not about you!"

I know other parents of difficult children have similar feelings:  I've talked with several and have read many blogs and articles. Most parents feel at a loss.

I have said it before that I was not naive enough to think I could do something better or that I had the answer.  I will say it again.  However, I am not sure why I feel so much disappointment, such a sense of failure.  Kaitlyn would tell you right now that she feels like a failure,  that she feels like no one will forgive her.

We need a success. Kaitlyn desperately needs a success, and I would give it to her if I could.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.

As I begin to understand the dynamics of incest and shaming in a family, I remember that Kaitlyn is a victim.  I remind myself of all the  negative emotions, the rage, the confusion that comes with this family dynamic.  Then, I compound all those emotions together with the  normal teenage hormones and confusion.  No wonder Kaitlyn is a mess.

Feelings of rejection, of disposal even, in this family dynamic are so intertwined with the ideal of family love and support.  The perpetrator then "throws away" the victim.  The rejection is compounded because of that sense of love.  It seems almost impossible to reconcile the feelings of victimization, rejection, loss, love and acceptance.  In an incest situation, the rejection comes from the abuse, not because of an unworthiness to be loved.  Yet, victims often struggle to understand this.  It is so innate to want love and acceptance.  What a really tragic cycle that a victim continues to seek love from the perpetrator.

I try to talk to her as much as I can about how normal her emotions are - the ping-pong effect of all the emotions blended together, each emotions fighting the other for her attention, contradicting each other, supporting each other.  What a sad and tragic situation.  The unfairness of it hits me solidly most days, and I am impotent to find a solution.  

Take the Pledge