7/25/14 Oh, Katie

Oh you,

Kaitlyn, you are the most obstinate and precocious person I know.  Only you could turn a discussion about help into an accusation that "mental health issues" is a government conspiracy.  I had to laugh at that.  What I don't think you were expecting me to do was agree with you.

You have used your "mental illness" as an excuse to do drugs.  It has been the banner of your rebellion, the excuse for all the times you neglected your responsibilities or hurt someone else.  It has been your battle cry for why you allow so much sadness and negativity to shape your character and to rob you of the wonderful future promised to you.

So, when make the statement that "mental health issues" is a government definition, a government conspiracy, I agree.  My next statement dissolves years of excuses and deflection.  When I tell you that by abandoning your potential you have proved the government right, you quickly shift to say that you can change it all anytime you want.

You're a crafty one, Katie Pickles.

I find it even more amusing that you have told me several times in the last couple of weeks that no one else can carry on an intelligent conversation with you, and in pleading with me to talk to you, you have to accept my boundaries............you cannot belittle or degrade me to make yourself superior.

I did not intend for this.

Your life is yours to make something out of.  At some point, you must accept the responsibility that any mess you have is of your own making.  I sure love you.

Bridges and Balloons

7/29/14 A Sense of Loss

https://youtu.be/8wiVjm9rczo?si=jVvgyo3pWZNuc-Rp Talking to Kaitlyn, I can feel how much she misses something she thought she had, an ideal of something.

She has so much bitterness and anger right now towards the person who hurt her.  This is understandable. 

Beyond that is the sense of loss:  she feels she has lost everything.

Childhood
Family
Innocence
Talents
Friends
Future

Just like other victims, she fixates on one thing at a time, attaches emotions to things and feels re-victimized when that "thing" is gone.

Recovery must include a strong spiritual component.  Because of the transcendence of worldly things, a spiritual component is the only way to provide stability.  It is the only thing that cannot be lost.  Moving beyond the immediate sense of urgency, the primal fear of injury and pain, establishing a strong spiritual connection can be so difficult.  What I have learned in this ordeal with Kaitlyn is that the spiritual approach is the only one that can provide solid support.

Also, recovery cannot be a piece by piece process.  It has to include all aspects of recovery - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual and legal (possibly).  Each day brings new struggles, new perceived dangers.  For me to be an effective supporter, I must have each of these components stabilized in my own life.  I must have support of my own in order to deal with the consistent onslaught of Kaitlyn's emotions.

Today, I have so very few answers and lots of questions.  What I can offer is a prayer for recovery.  Don't give up.  Wherever you are, don't give up.  Take the one baby step you need to take today.

Timetables are impossible.  I can only meet each new challenge as I encounter it.  For a person who relies heavily on timetables, this proves the most difficult for me.  My daughter and the preservation of her identify are more important than timetables and personal expectations.

Just a note on the video at the top of the blog.  I had no idea Lindsey Lohan recorded an album.  I was doing a cursory search of "innocence, loss, family, incest" and stumbled across it.  I truly think it says so much of what Kaitlyn says in regard to her perpetrator.  I'd like to say a few choice words of my own.  Conduct a search of your own.................see what you find.  I have also linked a couple of articles about the psychology of lost innocence that I found helpful.

My dear, sweet Kaitlyn....................fight.  Today, find that little girl inside you and let her have some breathing room.  You have not killed her off.  You have just locked her away so deeply inside yourself to protect her.  Just today, fight for her.............I know you can do it.

7/30/14 Stuck in the Middle

Kaitlyn is a middle child and as a middle child she feels stuck trying to find an identity.

She needs to be the center of attention, and something she's never been overly aggressive about - needing attention from people.  But I know that as a middle child, she needs something, one thing, anything - she needs to be the best at something.

Sadly, the thing that she is the best at it is this rebellion, the teenage angst, her drug use addiction, her anger.

I struggle with this because I knew all of this before this chaos even started. I knew it; I tried to prevent it. I tried to get her to be the best at something else, but all of my education and experience failed. I think this is one of the few times I have admitted to anyone that I feel like a failure.  Even as I edit this, I can hear Kaitlyn's voice chiding me, "This is not about you!"

I know other parents of difficult children have similar feelings:  I've talked with several and have read many blogs and articles. Most parents feel at a loss.

I have said it before that I was not naive enough to think I could do something better or that I had the answer.  I will say it again.  However, I am not sure why I feel so much disappointment, such a sense of failure.  Kaitlyn would tell you right now that she feels like a failure,  that she feels like no one will forgive her.

We need a success. Kaitlyn desperately needs a success, and I would give it to her if I could.
I need a success because I am beginning to descend into depression and apathy.

As I begin to understand the dynamics of incest and shaming in a family, I remember that Kaitlyn is a victim.  I remind myself of all the  negative emotions, the rage, the confusion that comes with this family dynamic.  Then, I compound all those emotions together with the  normal teenage hormones and confusion.  No wonder Kaitlyn is a mess.

Feelings of rejection, of disposal even, in this family dynamic are so intertwined with the ideal of family love and support.  The perpetrator then "throws away" the victim.  The rejection is compounded because of that sense of love.  It seems almost impossible to reconcile the feelings of victimization, rejection, loss, love and acceptance.  In an incest situation, the rejection comes from the abuse, not because of an unworthiness to be loved.  Yet, victims often struggle to understand this.  It is so innate to want love and acceptance.  What a really tragic cycle that a victim continues to seek love from the perpetrator.

I try to talk to her as much as I can about how normal her emotions are - the ping-pong effect of all the emotions blended together, each emotions fighting the other for her attention, contradicting each other, supporting each other.  What a sad and tragic situation.  The unfairness of it hits me solidly most days, and I am impotent to find a solution.  

Take the Pledge

Prayers for Kaitlyn

The power of faith, of prayer…………… This topic is one so personal and messy for me.  I have a strong love/hate relationship with my faith.  I always have.  It’s my classic passive / aggressive reaction to a strongly emotional topic.

Faith is like that.  It is emotion.  It is inextricably tied to everything without a tangible link or presence of its own. 

When I hear stories about the miracles played out in the lives of others, I want to rage at the unfairness of it and delight in the magic of it all at one time.  Today, I am pleading for a miracle for Kaitlyn.  She needs one.  I would sacrifice my future, my life even, to grant her a miracle of recovery.

In the last year, I cannot discern what part of her struggle is from her mental illness and which part is from her drug addiction.  They are inextricably linked.  I just want to put my arms around her and make it all go away.

Sadly, there is no happy pill, no instant fix, no cure that comes easily.  Recovery and healing will take a lot of hard work…………..and it’s the type of work that even mature adults struggle with.  I cannot imagine being 18 and having no perspective of tomorrow.  Kaitlyn cannot deal with future.  All she can do is react to the immediate need.

I have always been the exact opposite.  I cannot deal with immediacy without having some sense of a future outcome better than where I am.  I need a roadmap, a plan.  Ok, I’ll say it, I need a happily ever after.

I want Kaitlyn to go to rehab.  As I listen to success stories on KLove, I want to physically drag her to Teen Challenge.  I want recovery.  I want to call into the show and tell them my 10 seconds of good that is Kaitlyn's recovery and healing.  I desperately love my daughter.  

Grieving

Today is hard..................my daughter has been gone now for 4 weeks.  She left when I made the ultimatum about rehab, and in all the days since she's left, I often find that I blame myself.  It's a natural part of the grieving process, but it still hurts.  I want my daughter.  I want the daughter that I used to know.  It hurts so much not knowing.  This is the second disappearance in a year.

This path she is on ends only in three ways:  recovery, death, jail.  As the loved one, I spend so much time internally bargaining with my own ideal / principals.  What I want is a full recovery.  I would settle for jail at this point because the thought of death is too much for me.

A part of me is missing, and it hurts most days to even take a breath.

Can I tell you how amazing and beautiful my daughter really is??

When she was a little girl, she was so serious.  She would contemplate long and hard about many things.  She was not without happiness or joy, but she often contemplated those with a seriousness that I had not seen in her sisters.  She was also very determined.  She wanted her way.  I remember that I would listen to her discussion and then steel myself when I told her she could not have her way because she was so often tenacious.  She has not changed very much.

She loved playing in the band.  She had decided to play the oboe when she was only 10.  For whatever reason, she wanted it, and as her mom, I was supportive.  In 6th grade band, she had to fight for the right to play the oboe in the school band.  The band teacher attempted to talk her out of it, but Kaitlyn stood her ground and was able to play the oboe.  The reeds for the instrument were not cheap, and often I had to order them because the music stores in Austin did not always carry the reeds.  I remember that throughout middle school, staying on top of reed orders was a priority for me as her mom.  When Kaitlyn switched to the euphonium, I was concerned that she had been talked out of playing the oboe.  She had simply decided to play another difficult instrument that few others played.  Kaitlyn wanted to do things that others didn't.  She was looking to find her own niche, her own voice.

RRISD rezoned our neighborhood going into her high school career, and she was inadvertently left off mailing lists for band going into the 9th grade.  The band director at her school kicked her out of band, and I spent several days negotiating with the school to keep her in band.  She quit instead.  It is a decision I did not support and one she later regretted.  It was the last disappointment she could handle.............she had suffered so many.  Her parents' divorce, a long term abuse, an assault at her new school in the 6th grade, moving to Austin.............one disappointment after another.  It was too much for her.

I bear responsibility for some of these situations.  I also bear responsibility for not acting quickly enough with therapeutic  intervention.  These failures on my part will haunt me until amends can be made and I can re-establish a relationship with my daughter.  As suffocating as the guilt is, I know that Kaitlyn has an even heavier load to carry, and I beg God daily to give me her pain and suffering to bear.  I would give my life today to give her a future without the burdens she carries.

Kaitlyn has a deep, twisted sense of humor.  She watches the most sardonic cartoons and laughs at the smallest things that most others would overlook.  She can reference movies / music / tv shows and understand deeply intense metaphors.  Part of her unique personality comes from this ability to remember everything, but it also contributes to her suffering.  Simple distractions do not placate her.  This is one of the reasons that standard addiction recovery frustrates her.  She needs intensity to feel progress is being made.

Now that she is 18, she is considered an adult, and I have had a difficult time getting the "professionals" to speak with me.  I understand HIPAA rules, but I feel some of the impatience she feels.  I cannot imagine her frustration, but watching her struggle, I want to help her.

Kaitlyn was very close with her father in the first 6 years of her life.  You could even say that she was his favorite child.  Almost everyone saw it.  I would do the best I could to intervene, to have time with Kaitlyn and to force interactions between their father and our other children.  Her father often carried Kaitlyn around and did everything for her, even though she could manage herself.  The divorce changed that relationship dynamic.  I saw it.

To help Kaitlyn transition, I did put her into counseling.  I tried everything I could think of to ease the pain of separation.  I seriously tried to maintain a healthy balance for my children.  Their father dropped out of sight, a reaction to the divorce that has persisted 12 years later.  I have tried; I won't even justify my actions.  My disappointment in my ex-husband and in his family knows no bounds.  My anger at them resurfaces often.  I learned quite painfully early on that I was alone in the process of raising my daughters.  Aside from the disappointment and anger I feel toward the ex-family, there was always a little girl, abandoned, left alone with the parent she was not close to.  Over time, I felt she had matured and had even grown fond of me, but that was  lie I told myself.

Kaitlyn told me recently that she feels guilt for never wanting to live with her mom.  She says that she has longed for her father all this time, and that being with her mom has only made her miss her father even more.  It was a confession I suspected and dreaded.  I knew how she felt about me.  I wanted more, but I had to face the reality of it.  A sweet, beautiful and amazingly talented young girl was separated from the parent she loved so much and forced to live with the parent she had no attachment to.  As much as I would want to, I cannot change the reality of this relationship situation.

As parents, we don't always get to keep those we bear.

I don't blame Kaitlyn.  I forgive her, too.  I want only the best for her.

Writing helps me.  It allows me to work through my emotions.  After I complete an entry, I will read back over it and find the deeper meaning behind my words.  I don't always have time to write when I become overwhelmed with emotions, but I make diligent efforts.  As we try to heal, I still must deal with my feelings for my beautiful daughter and also deal with sense of loss.

God, I pray for complete recovery.  Please allow Kaitlyn to see her true beauty before she destroys it or herself.  Please allow Kaitlyn to forgive those who she feels have hurt her.  Please allow her to forgive herself.  She is amazing.  She is wonderful, creative and compassionate.  God, I will sacrifice my own happiness, my own future to grant her one.  I pray on bended knee with profound sadness for her struggle.

Let it Go

For Kaitlyn today.................I hope you hear the love I have for you as I send this very special prayer. Please, today, fight!! Fight!! Let it go and come home.

Prom and a Parent's Grief

No one chooses this life...............it's not like we walked into a lifestyle store and made selections of mental illness, addiction and just for fun added a childhood trauma.  No one can chose the life they think they want.  It really doesn't work that way.

In addition, trying to compartmentalize a life with such rigidity will result in disappointment and heartbreak eventually.  This is the lesson I've learned in the last couple years as my daughter struggled with some difficult issues, primarily addiction.

All the beautiful prom / graduation pictures posted on Facebook upset and send me into full grief.  I long for the normalcy of such events with my precious Katie.  I put on my happy face and try to celebrate these joyous events with my friends and family, but inside I'm dying.  It's now fair to anyone, least of all Kaitlyn because I am projecting my hopes and dreams onto her life.  It's an unreal expectation.  I can't help it.  I want happy prom pictures, too.  Yesterday I bought some Grad 2014 items just in case Katie completes the last 2 weeks of her high school career.  It was difficult.

Kaitlyn did not go to Jr. Prom either.

We have spent the last 2 years in and out of courtrooms, counselor's offices and jail.  I love her.  No matter what has happened or will happen, I love her. I may have a bit of disappointment, but this does not distract from my love for her.  Someday when she is ready to forgive herself and we have an opportunity to restore our relationship, I hope she comprehends the depth of my love for her and understands that my disappointment and grief were ultimately for her and her own benefit.  She may not understand now what she has lost by making this detour in her life, but I do.

I tried to find some information about the type of loss / grief I currently feel by searching online.  Of course many articles exist about grief or about dealing with an addiction.  I even read a few articles about the loss of a loved one.  What I did not find was a mention of the effect of milestones missed such as prom or graduation.    It's like the same feeling a bitterly divorced person feels when someone close to them is in love or newly married............a sense of jealousy mixed with loss.  At times, it's almost impossible to separate the differing emotions.  Thankfully, I understand that the situation is complicated and can take the time to mediate on all the emotions that goes into my feelings.  I don't want to see those other happy pictures, but I know that I cannot be mean.

It's normal to feel a sense of sadness, jealousy even, at the missed milestones in your child's life due to a handicap or to emotional / behavioral issues.  As parents, we have certain dreams and expectations.  We do feel a sense of loss when those dreams / expectations are not met.  I think these feelings are more sharp when the reason for them being left unfulfilled is due to an acute situation.  Dealing with the addiction and its repercussions is exhausting enough without the added emotional toll of missed milestones.

Of course, I also have a great amount of fear that my beautiful daughter will not seek help in time and may end up scarred / damaged or possibly even dead.  That fear weighs on my mind daily.  Suffocating.  In the grief process, I am currently at "Bargaining", and I want to move to acceptance.  Our family is literally in the middle of the storm and can do little save wait for the end.

What I really want is for my daughter to go to rehab and to restore her future.  I want to rebuild a relationship with the non-addicted person.  Today, I would settle for a relationship with the addicted person, but she hides from me when she's using.  Honestly I know that we are not the only family dealing with this problem.  The main reason I continue to blog about this, continue to research and share is to provide our story as hope for others.  

But I Do

On those days when I feel so angry at the one who hurt these beautiful young women, I want to scream.  Instead, I find myself wanting to make lists of all the things taken away from them.  Then, I also remember that I get the very best of the girls, too.  They are wonderful and amazing; and I get to see all that.  I get to be a part of their lives.  Instead of focusing on the bad, on what is lost, I want to focus instead on the good, on the strength and beauty.

You have no idea how much you damaged my daughters, but I do.
You have no idea what you stole from them, but I do.
You have no remorse, no soul; and I do.  I am stronger and bigger and better than any part of you.

In my prayers I will continue to ask God to heal what you broke- what you broke, damaged and stole from three innocent little girls.

You have no idea what those girls struggle through every single day just to get out of bed, but I do;
and you never give a second thought for what you so maliciously took from girls who had nothing but love to give, but I do.

But you also don't get to see how hard they work and how much they have changed, but I do.
You don't get to be a part of their lives anymore, but I do.
You will never have compassion or love from three beautiful young women, but I do.

Purposes of Blogging

This blog started off as a way to work through my sadness, sorrow, grief and fear when my daughter went missing for 50 days.  The reasons behind her running away, for disappearing for a while, have everything to do with an addiction, a childhood sexual assault and an inability to cope with the reality of what her life has become.  She is not the only victim of trauma, of disappointment.

Her older sister was also a victim of that assault and also has issues with drug abuse and codependency.

What I really want to say to my daughters right now is that it would be easier for me to let go completely, to give up and not try to help you get better - that would be the easiest thing to do.

I didn't choose the easy route when I became your mom; I did not choose the easy route when I decided to make decisions to improve our future. I did not choose the easy route when I decided to jump into the shark infested waters with you. I will not abandon you; I am here for you no matter what, and I will not choose the easy path.  

Even as you try to take the easy road I will not.  Sometimes in the future when you look back on all this, I hope you remember that every decision I make, every word I choose to speak to you, I do so through God's amazing grace - every part of my relationship with you has been blessed and approved by God. when I chose to be your mom, I chose to follow obediently to God's plan.  I chose to believe in the power higher than what existed in the world, and I chose to follow him because He gave me the ultimate gift of becoming a mother.

So even when you're mad at me,  I know you love me; and even when the days seem hard,  know you forgive me my inability to let you go.   know you love me even when you can't say it.

Celebrations and the Reality of Incest

original date 03/18/2014

One of the most damaging and pervasive side effects of incest and shaming is the lack of family celebrations. Turning 18 should be the top of celebrations, and  Kaitlyn turned 18 this year. Struggling to have a sense of normalcy, she wanted the big 18th birthday party.  It didn't happen.

When you have decreased the number of family members in your intermediate circle because of incest and shaming, you can't have those big family celebrations you used to have, or wants to have.  She would tell you herself there is no way she wanted to invite the family, but then in the same short conversation she would lament the loss of having all those family members.  The fact that her dad's family has completely abandoned my daughters does not help.  There truly is no support system from the family on either side.

I put some effort into getting Kaitlyn all kinds of things to remember her 18th birthday - a cute tiara, a pin, some balloons, to name a few.  I did invite a few close friends and neighbors, and of course I invited the family that is not involved in this abuse.  Those not involved in the abuse could've came if they chose to, but they chose not to - that's how weird this shaming situation is in families.  Talk about the giant polka-dot elephant in the room.  Kaitlyn deserves so much more.  My heart breaks for her.

Her 16th birthday was the one I really wanted to celebrate and blow out of the water,  It was before all this information came out, and the 16th birthday was completely ignored by the family.  It doesn't make a difference that we've decided to pull away from them because if they can't be in control they choose not to participate.  It is too much for a grown, well educated and mature woman to handle.  I can only imagine the pressure of a vulnerable teenager.

I hold onto the keepsakes, the pictures and try to journal hoping she'll remember it;  hopefully one day she'll know that she was loved and know who the people are that really do care about her.

Relapsing

Here we go again, Kaitlyn, down the same path that you've been down so many times before; and I guess blindly, naively I believed that a lot of work a lot of prayer would make a difference.  I don't know, maybe it does, or has in your case.

It is so difficult watching you struggle and watching you make the same mistake over and over and over again especially when so many people are on your side and have tried to intervene for you.

Someday I know you will look back, and you will realize the love that has been poured out to you; and I know that you will realize that you did the best you could with what you had.  You will also understand that there's really no blame - it is what it is.

I'm not mad at you; I forgive you every mistake you ever made because I do love you.

I am sending this prayer into the universe that God will just cradle you, cradle and bless you until you can stop being so angry and before you destroy yourself, before you destroy your precious, precious future.  I pray for you because you were amazing and beautiful and so wonderful.  I miss you more than you'll ever know. 

I wish things were different, and I wish that you understood how hard it is as a parent to be at this point and make a decision to let you live your life on your terms. I can't do it for you, and all I was doing for the last six months is enabling you to continue in your addiction.  Someday you will see that I did the best I could for you.