Falling Apart, Finally

And just like that, a week and half of being fairly okay and trying to move to acceptance, and I almost fall apart.  Not understanding what triggered it and having a wave of emotions flood over me, all it took was an unexpected noise to send me into a panic.   It's completely horrifying.  The hardest part of this panic attack was knowing that this confused anxiety is Kaitlyn's daily reality.

Today marks the end of the seventh week that you've been gone, 49 days, almost 2 full months.  You missed Halloween nd my birthday.  Thanksgiving is now a week away, and I can't bear the thought of you not being here with your family who love you.

As much as I would love to make this all about me or about what you've done wrong, I also know that it takes a lot of pain and sadness to drive a person to extreme behavior.  I also know you are living  a private hell of your own that you did not create for you to be gone this long.

What I would say to you right now is thast everything will be alright, and I am not mad.  I love you and no matter what, I'm always on your side.  Even when I'm mad at you, I love you; just because I can't see you doesn't mean that I don't know, that I am not aware of you. I love and miss you very much.

You are wonderful, and you know deep inside how much you are loved.  Praying for you, hoping for you, these have kept me from completely falling apart.  No matter what I am feeling, I know that you are dealing with your own issues, ones that I cannot fix.

We all miss you.  Please come home soon.

Day 38...........Looking toward the Future

Day 38...............38 days that I just can't even begin to explain.  I cannot explain what the last 38 days have been for me, your mom.

I miss you so much and worry about you every minute of every day, not only when I'm awake but also when I'm sleeping.  I pray for you nonstop just as others are praying for you.

In all this time apart, I've been able to understand that it's more than just my feelings or the feelings of your sisters and grandparents.  The distance, the time away, has allowed me to deal with other emotions so that I can truly focus on your side of it. I get it.  For all of my fear, anxiety and confusion, you are feeling even worse than I am.

I hope at this point is that you will come home and deal with this appropriately that we can mend our bonds and put your future back in place.

I love you, Kaitlyn.

You Don't Know

Originally written January 21, 2013................I was reminded of this today by a very close friend.  Its humbling effect I cannot even begin to explain.

You don't know because you are not her mother.
I know it's hard to see beyond the shadows of right now,
but you don't know, because you are not her mother.

The choice to love her is mine, and even when it is hard
I love her so much because she needs me to.
The choice to love her came the moment I chose to have her.

You don't know because you are not her mother.

Even when she makes bad choices, 
I see the potential inside her.
Looking beyond the right now, I can forgive.

When I think of Kaitlyn, I think of how often she would draw these sad figures.    I would always tell her, "I love you."  I understood the irony of these lonely figures and possibly what Kaitlyn was trying to say as she drew them.  I saw this cute lil' poster in Whitney's closet, and at first glance, my heart literally stopped.  My pain has no definition.  Each long agonizing day turns into another, and my dreams are full of horrendous images.

So naive..............so completely naive.  I thought that by loving her more than anyone should ever love another, I could shield my children from the cruel pain in this world.  I want to reach backward in time and redo so much, especially with Kaitlyn.  I pray...........no beg.............God to deliver her to safety.

Prayers for You

Kaitlyn, I miss you very much. Charlie misses you, too. Come home. 

Day 30.. . . . I am beyond heartbroken

Prayers While Driving

I hope you were not out in all this bad weather the last two nights

I worry about you so much I miss you more than you could ever ever ever know

Whatever demon is haunting chasing devouring you inside please have the strength and the courage to fight it off

Your family loves you very much and we all miss and pray for a very quick and safe return

Kaitlyn you were more valuable then you can understand right now and my true hope for you is that you do not destroy too much of your future before you can realize that

Amber to Amber

Ok, as this ordeal of my daughter's disappearance heads into week 2, my mind refuses to quiet, and I find myself replaying so many things over and over until I am uncertain where the reality and confusion collide.  Seventeen years ago as I was in labor waiting for this precious girl to arrive, we still did not have a middle name picked out to go with Kaitlyn.  All over the news was the story of Amber Hagerman, the 9 year old Arlington, Texas girl who had been brutally snatched off her bike and murdered.  Out of tribute to Amber, Kaitlyn's middle name became Amber.  The reason behind the selection has been proudly told to Kaitlyn for many years.

So imagine the twisted irony when my own Amber has gone missing. The circumstances are different as are the ages.  My daughter chose to leave her home, chose to put herself into danger and to torment her family with prolonged and suffocating questions of "what if".  The irony taunts me.

I want my daughter to return home.  As each day passes to the next, I cannot help but worry that I may never see her again.  Even when others around me remind me that most teens return home, those words do so little to calm my fears.