Day 70

It's been 70 days since you ran away ... 70 days of sadness, confusion, uncertainty. My heart aches.

I can't see the future right now, and I'm terrified. One of the things that had always guided me, encouraged me, comforted me, was a vision of a brighter future.  I feel helpless, small and invisible without that vision.

You are exactly where you are today.... Warts and all.... Because of choices you made. No one else is to blame.

My prayer for you is a deep healing.......for you to fully accept that your complaints are the consequences of your attitudes and behaviors.  You must stop blaming others and learn to accept who, where and how you are.  Without accepting these things, you will continue to make poor choices.

Blood Shed, Forgiveness to Accept

None of us deserves the grace that God gives us none of us deserves the blood that was shed for our sins, but he gives it to us anyway.

Kaitlyn, like anyone else,deserves forgiveness and deserves a second chance; and if I could give away all my future so that she would have that second chance, I'd give it gladly.

I understand that my sadness and my pain doesn't come from her.l  The sadness in her brain - that what she's feeling and experiencing - those are hers, but I am sad because it is Christmas and I miss my daughter.

I have missed her for a long time now and I understand fully that the angry young woman right in front of me is not the daughter that I'm missing, and I understand that I may never have a relationship with this confused and angry young woman.

When Kaitlyn is under the influence or when her hormones are out of control, that other side of her comes out and she's pretty mean and vindictive.

I got a chance to see that this weekend -  first in a phone conversation and then secondly in my face-to-face visit with her.l  She was aggressive and angry.  Maybe I have no sympathy for her, or maybe I am tired.

I do not want to make decisions for her future based on my hurt feelings, but this is the side that I see of her the most often - the mean and ugly and hateful side.  The sweet side that I've seen a little bit up in the last couple of weeks, and I haven't seen that in a long time.

It brings into question whether her addiction started from her emotions and pain or whether the addiction is a result of her bipolar disorder.  The swinging personality often happens with no trigger.

It makes me think of my dad in the last year so his life; he had gone to a rehab after hip replacement surgery and was sober for the first time in years.  For the longest that I can ever remember my dad was always intoxicated, but he was, in his sober moments, so mean and vindictive and just horrible to people.

It is a very helpless feeling to be right here - first as a child wondering what I could do or what I can say to make it better for my dad  and now as a parent wondering what I can do what I can say to make it better for my daughter.

She wants her way; that's all that will satisfy her when she's in this mood - no arguing no disagreeing, no trying to reason - just tell her she's right. There is no moving forward;  she pushes a point that she knows is wrong just to incite the conflict.  She wants desperately to be right, even though she knows she can't win that specific point.  I have fallen prey to this trap many times in the past.  If I agree with her, she gets irritated because she feels I do not listen; if I disagree with her, then she gets to say no one understands her.

I need professional help to decipher what she's actually saying. I realize by inciting a conflict with me, she's hoping for connections. I feel she's just drowning inside and  trying to figure it out herself just like I'm trying to figure it out.

We are truly stuck.  Prayer and complete reliance on God's mercy keeps me going each day.  There is just no easy fix, and I'm dealing with a young woman who has legal authority to walk away from our relationship as I try to salvage bits and pieces.

Falling Apart, Finally

And just like that, a week and half of being fairly okay and trying to move to acceptance, and I almost fall apart.  Not understanding what triggered it and having a wave of emotions flood over me, all it took was an unexpected noise to send me into a panic.   It's completely horrifying.  The hardest part of this panic attack was knowing that this confused anxiety is Kaitlyn's daily reality.

Today marks the end of the seventh week that you've been gone, 49 days, almost 2 full months.  You missed Halloween nd my birthday.  Thanksgiving is now a week away, and I can't bear the thought of you not being here with your family who love you.

As much as I would love to make this all about me or about what you've done wrong, I also know that it takes a lot of pain and sadness to drive a person to extreme behavior.  I also know you are living  a private hell of your own that you did not create for you to be gone this long.

What I would say to you right now is thast everything will be alright, and I am not mad.  I love you and no matter what, I'm always on your side.  Even when I'm mad at you, I love you; just because I can't see you doesn't mean that I don't know, that I am not aware of you. I love and miss you very much.

You are wonderful, and you know deep inside how much you are loved.  Praying for you, hoping for you, these have kept me from completely falling apart.  No matter what I am feeling, I know that you are dealing with your own issues, ones that I cannot fix.

We all miss you.  Please come home soon.

Day 38...........Looking toward the Future

Day 38...............38 days that I just can't even begin to explain.  I cannot explain what the last 38 days have been for me, your mom.

I miss you so much and worry about you every minute of every day, not only when I'm awake but also when I'm sleeping.  I pray for you nonstop just as others are praying for you.

In all this time apart, I've been able to understand that it's more than just my feelings or the feelings of your sisters and grandparents.  The distance, the time away, has allowed me to deal with other emotions so that I can truly focus on your side of it. I get it.  For all of my fear, anxiety and confusion, you are feeling even worse than I am.

I hope at this point is that you will come home and deal with this appropriately that we can mend our bonds and put your future back in place.

I love you, Kaitlyn.

You Don't Know

Originally written January 21, 2013................I was reminded of this today by a very close friend.  Its humbling effect I cannot even begin to explain.

You don't know because you are not her mother.
I know it's hard to see beyond the shadows of right now,
but you don't know, because you are not her mother.

The choice to love her is mine, and even when it is hard
I love her so much because she needs me to.
The choice to love her came the moment I chose to have her.

You don't know because you are not her mother.

Even when she makes bad choices, 
I see the potential inside her.
Looking beyond the right now, I can forgive.

When I think of Kaitlyn, I think of how often she would draw these sad figures.    I would always tell her, "I love you."  I understood the irony of these lonely figures and possibly what Kaitlyn was trying to say as she drew them.  I saw this cute lil' poster in Whitney's closet, and at first glance, my heart literally stopped.  My pain has no definition.  Each long agonizing day turns into another, and my dreams are full of horrendous images.

So naive..............so completely naive.  I thought that by loving her more than anyone should ever love another, I could shield my children from the cruel pain in this world.  I want to reach backward in time and redo so much, especially with Kaitlyn.  I pray...........no beg.............God to deliver her to safety.

Prayers for You

Kaitlyn, I miss you very much. Charlie misses you, too. Come home. 

Day 30.. . . . I am beyond heartbroken

Prayers While Driving

I hope you were not out in all this bad weather the last two nights

I worry about you so much I miss you more than you could ever ever ever know

Whatever demon is haunting chasing devouring you inside please have the strength and the courage to fight it off

Your family loves you very much and we all miss and pray for a very quick and safe return

Kaitlyn you were more valuable then you can understand right now and my true hope for you is that you do not destroy too much of your future before you can realize that

Amber to Amber

Ok, as this ordeal of my daughter's disappearance heads into week 2, my mind refuses to quiet, and I find myself replaying so many things over and over until I am uncertain where the reality and confusion collide.  Seventeen years ago as I was in labor waiting for this precious girl to arrive, we still did not have a middle name picked out to go with Kaitlyn.  All over the news was the story of Amber Hagerman, the 9 year old Arlington, Texas girl who had been brutally snatched off her bike and murdered.  Out of tribute to Amber, Kaitlyn's middle name became Amber.  The reason behind the selection has been proudly told to Kaitlyn for many years.

So imagine the twisted irony when my own Amber has gone missing. The circumstances are different as are the ages.  My daughter chose to leave her home, chose to put herself into danger and to torment her family with prolonged and suffocating questions of "what if".  The irony taunts me.

I want my daughter to return home.  As each day passes to the next, I cannot help but worry that I may never see her again.  Even when others around me remind me that most teens return home, those words do so little to calm my fears.

Trying to move toward Acceptance

When Kaitlyn was younger, she had such a fierce determination.  I saw this in her face during the very first studio portrait made of her at only a few week old.  Sometimes now when I see that photo on my dining room wall, I must pause to ask myself what I did wrong.  Dwelling on this sense of guilt benefits no one, so instead I have been saying deep, heart felt prayers and trying to move toward acceptance instead.

When Kaitlyn was in the 7th grade, about 12 years old, she asked me this profound question regarding social relationships.  She told me a story about having a box of 96 crayons, the one with the sharpener on the back.  She asked why others would ask to use your big box of crayons when they had their own.  Explaining further that it took her a long time to get that bigger box, she just did not want to share with others, even if they could not afford the bigger box.  Of course I knew the deeper implications to her story, understood the question regarding human charity that Kaitlyn struggled with.  I remember staring at her so intently, mesmerized by the depth of her perceptions.

This is how my relationship with Kaitlyn has been her whole life.

When she was only 4 years old, she would focus on whatever game of make believe caught her fancy.  She would line up her dolls and stuffed animals along one wall of her room in some pattern and then leave them in that pattern until some new idea caught her attention.  Her make believe could last for days.  Neither of her sisters ever played on this level.

 

She has approached must of her life with this same intensity.  Look at her self portrait added to this post.  She would work on her lips for hours only to find some hidden flaw only she would see.  Even after it was complete, she would scoff at it, unsatisfied.  Me trying to define things for her has never been easy as she sought always to define them for herself.

As her mom, watching this dark, uncertain journey terrifies and saddens me.  I truly want so much more for her.  My own preservation must take priority as her missing status moves into the 4th week.  At this point, I have no idea what her future holds.

 

DABDA

 

The 5 stages of grief.

 

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

 

My 5 best friends of late, I am working desperately with my therapist to move toward acceptance so that I can be healthy and supportive for Kaitlyn when she finally stops raging at the world.  I am truly no stranger to grief; I've been here many times before.

 

Resources are valuable.  I've stated this repeatedly, because without accessing support services, a parent of a disturbed (missing, angry, defiant) child cannot cope effectively with the trauma or the consequences of the situation.  I have met several other parents of emotionally disturbed children recently.  Each story has some similarities but vast differences.  What I glean from our conversations is that survival is possible, even renewal of the parent / child relationship once the tide of destructiveness runs its course.

 

I miss my daughter.

 

I love her so deeply that I feel her pain and suffering all tied up with my own.

 

In desperation, I want to hold her, comfort her and protect her from herself.

 

 

Day 18............Possible Leads

Through this whole ordeal, I had a hunch that Kaitlyn was in the area, staying with friends.  Even when my mind would slowly drift to other possibilities, I could logically ponder facts and statistics to highlight the more possibly likelihood that she was with friends.  Everyone has said the same thing.

I realize that in some ways, imagining the worst made it easier to avoid  lots of underlying issues in my relationship with Kaitlyn or with the reality of mental illness and addiction.  Even as I type that last statement, I realize that many families whose children are missing, possibly from foul play, would give anything to have a mental illness or addiction problem to deal with instead.  These are very murky waters where we swim.

The stress of this all is rapidly catching up with me.  I spend many hours either with a severe headache, shoulder / back pain, sleeplessness or indigestion.  As I spent an hour of pure hell last night trying to quell acid reflux, tears finally fell.  Only a couple hours before, I had been out looking for Kaitlyn following some leads provided by a couple of her friends in our complex.  I now know where she has been all this time and that she has been hanging out at a different high school other than hers.

Stress..............even when we don't feel stressed, dealing with issues can effect many aspects of our day.  While some people get "jumpy" or "moody", others may internalize stress meaning that the jumpiness is hidden.  I cannot tell you how many people have told me in these last couple of weeks that I am handling this all well.  Smiling, I want to launch into the hidden physical effects, but I smile and say "thank you".  Whitney recently came home from school and shared with me a video she had seen about the positive benefits of stress.  As I watched it, I knew most of what the speaker posited, and for a few moments, I wondered if I was overreacting lately.  What Kelly McGonigal speaks about is not the prolonged, intense stress associated with a missing child, mental illness or addiction.  That Whitney thought about me when she watched it and wanted to share with mean meant so much to me.

Underlying issues............even if many tell me differently, I feel an enormous amount of guilt.

1.  Kaitlyn has been saying for a while that she does not like me and does not want to live with me.  Am I just too selfish to hear her?  Is there anything to her complaint?  I dreamed that Kaitlyn was found, and that all the people she's been hiding out with presented valid evidence that I was an unfit person.  I can't help but wonder.  The underlying issue encompasses many things..............teenage rebellion, co-dependency, denial, over-bearing parenting.

2. 18 days of no contact from someone you love is such an enormous issue.  Could Kaitlyn be that cruel?  She must understand somewhere deep inside what pain and suffering she is causing, not only to me, but to her sisters and grandparents.  Did I do such a horrible job raising her?  The underlying issue is an addiction and stress anxiety from her childhood abuse.  Our extended family dynamic has created such a stigma of shame.

3.  Bailing out of her life and abandoning her responsibilities really scares me.  The women in my maternal family line have a very long history of abandonment.  I want more for my daughters.  Part of my naive self believed that through love, support and education, this circle of abandonment could change.  In much the same way, I believed once that the circle of addiction, abuse, and incest could also be broken.  As all these elements culminate with Kaitlyn, I must face the fact that I was wrong.  That's hard for me.  I believed it, believed so much in the power of faith and prayer, also.  To face the fact that I was wrong jeopardizes much of what I believe in the world now. Underlying issues with this include my own childhood abuse, denial and trust issues.

A Place for Teens

Since placing a post on Kaitlyn's Facebook page, this blog has received about 25 views per day. I realized that those viewing this may be teens in similar situations, and so I decided to share some resourceful information just in case. What I would hope Kaitlyn knows is how to access resources even if she decides not to return home.

 In a perfect scenario, Kaitlyn would return to her home, the one she's known her whole life.  If for some reason she feels she cannot be here, I would want her to find a safe place.

Austin has a teen shelter.  There is no need to go without food, warmth or safety.  A call to 311 Austin can summon a police officer to escort a homeless teen to LifeWorks.

The weather here has turned cool and damp.  I just can't help but worry that Kaitlyn is outside in this weather, alone, scared and hungry.  Each time I see a young woman standing on a corner pan-handling, I slow down to make sure it is not my daughter.  So many teens are homeless, either by choice.

Some Teen Runaway Facts:

1. There are approximately 1.7 million homeless teens in the U.S.
2. 39 percent of the homeless population is young people under 18.
3. About 75 percent of homeless teens use drugs or alcohol as a means to self-medicate to deal with the traumatic experiences and abuse they face.
4. 5,000 young people die every year because of assault, illness, or suicide while on the street.
5. A U.S. Department of Health and Human Services study found that 46 percent of homeless youth left their home because of physical abuse. 17 percent left because of sexual abuse.
6. Approximately 40 percent of homeless teens identify as LGBT.
7. Over 50 percent of young people in shelters and on the streets report that their parents told them to leave or knew they were leaving and didn’t care.
8. The average age a teen becomes homeless is 14.7 years.
9. 1 in 7 young people between the ages of 10 and 18 will run away.
10. Teens age 12 to 17 are more likely to become homeless than adults.
11. HIV rates for homeless young people are 2 to 10 times higher than reported rates for other samples of adolescents in the U.S.

Reading the stats does not put my mind to rest.

No matter what started you on this path, take a step toward healing, toward self-sufficiency.  There are options.

Day 12 ~Truly Overcast and Rainy in Austin

At 4:30 this morning I woke up for some strange reason. The vacuum as running in the other room, this humming in the background. As I got up to check what was happening, I had a strange feeling of a precense in the room; and I thought of you, my daughter, my precious Kaitlyn. I miss you. I turned off the vacuum and tried to go back to bed, but all my thoughts kept going back to you. I wondered where you were praying that you were okay. I long for you desperately, longing only a mother would understand. It's been 12 days since you left, 12 days of no word, nothing, no confirmation of your safety; and I barely can function. I miss you so much and need you to know you are ok. I love you no matter what; I'll always love you. We all love you so much; there's not a moment of each day that my mind is not turned to you, soomething you said or had done, some cute expression or action, the way you are with Charlie. Watching Charlie miss you breaks my heart. Kaitlyn I just need you are ok. I want you to stop being so angry and come home. You are a bright spirit that has given me so much joy and happiness even in those arguing moments, in the the confusion and bad attitudes, watching you grow and see you become a young woman has been such a great pleasure. I know you love your family, and I know that you just on a journey right now that you just don't understand. I pray each day that God holds you and reassures you that you're not alone, that you are loved.

Day 8..........the Longest Day

As I sit here watching "Grey's Anatomy", my mind continually drifts to you, my precious daughter.  This has been our series, our connection for years.  Even when you matured and started listening to music other than the pop alternative heard on the show, you and I still had the characters to analyze, gossip about, to share.  The new season is only 3 episodes in, and you have been gone from our home for each of them.  In complete irony, I hope, you left our home on Thursday each time.

This time is different.  You took nothing with you.....not your phone charger, your makeup or your favorite Bob Marley t-shirt.  As each day merges into the next, my panic grows.  How did you finally get to a point where the few things you valued no longer mean anything to you, including your cat.  She misses you terribly and lurks around the house.  My heart breaks seeing her so lost, so alone.  All at one time I want to scream and plead for you to return while also screaming at you for being so insensitive.

But I also know that part of your need to run and hide is to avoid the enormous guilt you feel for causing so much pain in your family.  We forgive you, even before any situation occurs.  That's what love does.  Love transcends all hurt.

Plato's Closet and 96.7 KissFM have the High School Invasion competition, and as Whit and I talked about it and the possibility of Westwood winning again this year, my breath held when I knew Tegan and Sara were performing.  We used to jam out to Tegan and Sara.  It took so much energy not to cry.

Today, another email from the school about making a selection for the yearbook from your SR portraits sent me over the edge, so when the attendance office called, again, I broke down.

God, day 8 has been horrible.

Kaitlyn at 9 months

End of Week 1

Today concludes week 1 of my daughter's absence, and I cannot wrap my mind around the ordeal.  Numbed, confused, worried...............I am truly at a loss.

Luckily, my focus has improved, but only because I have began making strict lists to focus myself.  I am sleeping a little better, but not too much.  Whit is finally vocalizing her own emotions, her nightmares, and as she and I begin to accept the current reality, I wonder what might happen when Kaitlyn returns to the scene.  I know she will not be gone forever; at least, I hope not least.

Kaitlyn has always been so special..........so unique.  She has a strong intellect and perspective.  These have always been intriguing to me, so I guess she will always hold a very special place in my heart.  I guess that's without saying, considering she's my daughter.

I miss her so much.................not the person she has been in the last few months, but the broody and wonderful young woman she was a year ago before her self-destructive behaviors plunged us into this dark and unforgiving world.  I long for her.

Missing

In the event that a child runs away or in some other manner goes missing, it is very important to act quickly.  This whole process can be daunting.  Contact local law enforcement immediately.  Know the laws, because information provided to parents varies from agency to agency, and even from officer to officer.  The first time my daughter ran away, I had a pro-active detective who kept in contact with me and I felt actually helped.  Maybe he didn't, but as an anxious parent, feeling supported made a huge difference in my coping.

It is so important to know resources.  Missing children and runaways can also be reported to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children.  As a parent, having support is vital to surviving the unknown.  So often, we want to remain private, not to divulge too much information out of embarrassment  or fear of how others will react; however, having support contributes to positive coping.  I am finding it so difficult to focus, and knowing I have friends praying for me, ready and willing to listen has helped calm me.  Even if it is 2 a.m., the NCMEC has a 24 hour hotline.

More than anything, I just want to see my daughter's beautiful face.  I need to hear her voice, watch her smile.  The not knowing is devastating.  I wish I could say I never thought this would happen to my family, but as a child, I watched similar situations with my siblings, and as my ex-husband's paranoia heightened, he would often disappear for several days, sending me in complete panic juggling all the uncertains.  I just wanted so much more for my own children.  I know all parents want more.

Missing Flyer

Day 4, Round 3

Kate............there are more words to say than I can possibly express, too much emotion.  This whole situation, all the words I can't say, all the emotion I cannot control is so cliched it borders on insanity.  My worry over you and your future continues each day to push me closer and closer to complete delirium.  All at one time, I need to scream out in complete anger and rage but also to plead for your safe return.  Today I cannot quiet those voices that taunt me, reminding me I failed you.  Despite all the positive support from those around me, I just cannot stop feeling like I did not do enough.

I guess most parents / loved ones in similar situations have thought exactly the same things.  I know there are many at this very moment feeling the same sense of helplessness, desperation, despair and panic.  As I begin the process of packing your things, I realize that for a long time, you have not been present in our relationship.  You've said it, not hiding the fact; and in complete desperation, I have tried to hold onto what I thought we had.  So, I am letting you go.

I pray with every ounce of love I have for you that you will not completely self-destruct and that someday you will permit me in your life again.  I have never wanted your pain, inconvenience, unhappiness, and all the things I've attempted to instill in you have been for your overall health and happiness.

Promising Potential

The hardest part of letting go of a child is also letting go of the dreams.....you know, the ones we have for her when she's small.  As I glance at pictures of my beautiful daughter, I remember all the promise that existed at the time each of those little snippets in time embedded into that picture.  It's funny how looking through old photos does that.

 

Even under perfect circumstances meaning that my daughter had not diverted into a life of self-destruction, the little girl I see in these photos no longer exists.  Even if she had not had her innocense shattered by a cruel and selfish act of someone she loved and trusted, this little girl has grown into a young woman.  It's torture, really, to look at these old photos.

 

At a time when we should be planning her Senior year, ordering her beautiful Senior pictures, getting ready for new journies in new directions, instead, my days are filled with visits to therapists, probation officers, juvenile court, truancy officers and waiting helplessly by the phone for any news about her safety.  Oh my, it is so unfair I could scream.

 

Over the last couple of years, I have been diligently scanning old snapshots.  Then, I spend lots of time with labeling, sorting and cross-referencing into folders for each of my daughters.  My hope is to give each girl a digital collection of family photos and keepsakes.  When my heart aches, I barely can focus on my  normal daily tasks much less look through hundreds of photos of my precious daughter.  The sad reality is that for years, I could not look at my own childhood photos without weeping. 

 

Child sexual abuse is a sad and often ignored piece of my family dynamic, just like it is in many families.  We talk about diabetes or cancer, the cousin with MS, the alcohol abuse and the chain smoking, but never do we venture into the reality of incest and sexual abuse.  All the potential excuses run franctically in my mind:

it's generational

we just didn't talk about things like that

it's not as bad as you think it is

lots of families have this same issue

he can't help it

the alcohol made him do it

what could I do?

get over it.

 

 

 

 

But when it comes to my own daughter, none of these excuses are good enough.  She deserves more than an excuse.  She deserves action.  Yet, she fights me every step of the way.  There are days when I think she would be better off if I had just let it alone.

I've Been There

I seriously have been there..............am still there.  If you are reading this, then you love someone battling with addiction, with oppositional defiance, with PTSD, with drugs, with destructive behaviors.........the list goes on and on.  As an educator, advocate, survivor, mother - I have fervently and with great enthusiasm sought help to somehow save my daughter.  Those around me can say she's 17, she's an adult, she's making a choice.........they can say that, but those words do not soothe a battered and shattering heart.  Those words do not comfort the desperation in not knowing where my daughter is.  Those words do not dry my tears, hold my hand, or give me focus enough to remember to pay my rent before it's late.

No.........those words do little to actually help me.  Even though the words are true, logical, a mother's love is emotional, hormonal, primal.  Fighting within myself between logic and emotion, I barely can move.  So when I say I've been there...........I am there, believe me, I am.

Being a woman of action.............I began researching.  I am still researching.  I must do something.  Last night as I couldn't sleep, I finally created a www.pinterest.com board.

I have so much more I need to say, to post, to question.

But for today, just today...........I must put one foot in front of the other.  Step 1.............just say "Jesus".
Put faith in Jesus; go out on faith and let go.  Say, "Jesus".

Take a few moments to listen to 7eventh Time Down.  Listen............and let this first step be just about asking Jesus to walk with you.